I find I meet a lot of men on dating websites. Some of them have become good friends or dance or film-buddies. But, one thing I notice in some of the men I have met is that there are men out there who are so into their victim-selves--(And I'm sure there are women too; but I haven't met any women-partner people--not that there's anything wrong with that!--because I am looking for a man-partner). I believe, in a victim-trance, as I think of this kind of Charlie-Brown thinking (Remember the song? One of the lyrics is, "Why is everybody always picking on me?")--In this mind-set it would be difficult for anyone to attract much that's more positive. Or at least that has been what I've noticed.
Recently I met a man on don'tbedesperate.com, my preferred match-site for dating. This man and I then e-mailed for a time. Next, we spoke to on the telephone. However, in talking with him for a relatively short time, he began to sound terribly victimized by his life. Since I have had my own challenges with victim-mentality from time to time, that's an energy that I find it particularly difficult to be around.
He told me he had health problems (as many of us do by the time we get to sixtyish, but we can let them define us or not) and relational problems (We can see ourselves as "cursed" or "unlucky" or we may take a look at how play a part in repeatedly attracting what we don't want into our lives). Now, I don't mean to judge this man---because I know it is painful to be in this negative mind-state. I have been there myself. I can, at times, get into what I consider to be a negative trance for whatever reason. And if I spoke to someone I didn't know very well around that time, I might sound very pessimistic; maybe even sound just the way he did. After all, who's happy all the time?
Anyway, being a therapist doesn't give me any right to "be helpful" to somebody who is is not asking for help or not at all aware of how he might help himself--or that he could benefit from getting someone objective to help him see that. So, I listened to his: "I'm glad my daughter is a gerontologist. That way, she can care for me in my old age." Or, his: "I am a recovering alcoholic, but I haven't been to an AA meeting in years." Or, even, "My wife had an affair and left me."(Too much information and--not to "blame the victim," but too little concern shown about any part he could possibly have played in his wife's detachment); or, "I have diabetes and I had a stroke last year" (Without any acknowledgement that he could have died, but was minimally handicapped by this event).
Do I want to meet this person, just hearing how much he is caught in his own negative energy? Would you? All of these things may be true in his life, but focusing on them is a way to, as Gandhi said: "Be the thing you want to see in the world." We want to attract someone healthy and giving and positive and loving to come into our lives. But, then, are we healthy and giving and positive and loving ourselves? What happened to "When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come"? Are we ready, ourselves, to meet a partner or a teacher? (And all partners are teachers, even if they teach us painful lessons.)
The thing is, it's not the stroke or the unfaithful wife or the recovering alcoholic stuff that would keep me far far away from such a person. It's the living in victim-mentality and having no understanding that one is not so much a victim of fate as a victim of our own perceptions; our own stuckness in our lives. The paradox is that I have seen people with life's most difficult challenges create a more positive energy for themselves; one more likely to attract a like-minded partner; a healthy community; and, even, improved health and a sense of well-being into our lives.
When I get into the "Poor mes," as I think of them, here are a few of the things I do I that help me: If I can, I connect with people who remind me that I am more than the "me" of that negative moment. I go to meetings (OA is my 12-step program & I am always reminded there of how much our negative messages keep us paralyzed!). I meditate. I read or listen to a book on tape or see a film that puts me in touch with people who are role-models of courage--the Dan Gottleib story (quadripalegic psychologist and columnist and radio talk-show host); or read my cousin Judy's blog. (She is struggling with oral cancer, but a brave survivor.)
Dr. Marsha Linehan, who, throughout her childhood, suffered from serious mental illness; vowed to help others if she could experience the miracle of getting well. She then developed her DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) treatment model that helps millions. She might advise us to : "Live a life worth living."
It's not my favorite part of myself, The Victim Trap (as Diane Zimberoff, Director of The Wellness Institute, has called it in her book of the same name). Still, if I can see the energy I am attaching myself to; then, I can do the things that help me de-tach from it.
Not to be an un-nice person; but, one of those things I do to keep myself in a more positive mind-state is "stick with the winners" (the people who are in more positive energy, no matter what the cards life has dealt them) and stay away from people who are stuck in a place who's energy pulls me into a more negative place; a place I don't want to be. If I can recognize it, in others and in myself, I can make better choices. As Shakespeare said in his play, Julius Caesar: "The fault....is not within our stars, but in ourselves."
