Loneliness: The Optical Delusion of Separateness

Magnetic Side of My Refrigerator

                                             

Family Memorabilia Around An Antique Chinese Checkers Board

After several days of blue-ishness, I woke up, expecting more of the same. And, as I do every morning, I first check my iPhone. I had two important, but seemingly disconnected, ideas that I was drawn to on my e-mail. One was "The optical delusion of separateness" (Einstein said this)--and the other was "On their deathbeds people wished that they had 'been more loving,' rather than 'been more loved.'" (This came from a workshop being offered on retraining the brain to be more loving.)

    My noticing these ideas was what Arnold Mindell, author and psychoanalyst, might call "Flirts."

    "Flirts" are the ideas, things, and people that catch our attention. Almost like dreams, "flirts" can give us symbolic messages from--I don't know--The Subconscious? Spirit-guides? Alternate Realities? Perhaps our Inner-Knowing? If we allow them in, they can be life-changing. In my case they were mood-altering.

    So, I traced back my blue-ishness to a thought: "I am lonely"--So, next,  I asked the Byron Katie question: "Is that true? Is that really true?" And I had my addendum to the Byron Katie question: "Does that always feel true?"

    And then, I remembered that just last night my sister texted me many times with inspirational ideas and an invitation to join her. Next, I received belated birthday earrings as a gift from my Arizona friend Ruth. And, although she had bronchitis and could barely speak at all, my New Jersey friend Lee attempted to talk on the telephone.

   Blessings continued to arrive: my dear cousins had chosen my home--which really meant a lot to me--to host a shiva for their mother. My friends, Marina and Misha, who feel like family, wanted me to live nearby and found me an apartment in their building. My almost-new-friend Paul---brought dinner over and came to hang out.

   And, almost best of all, I went to Roanoke to visit my younger son Dan and his puppies, which gave me great pleasure because we were able to spend the Passover holiday together and attend a Seder.

   And speaking of the warmth of family, Dan and I Skyped with my older son Josh and his wife Flore. This summer, I'll be going to France, where they live, to meet my first grandchild, expected to arrive in July.

    As I corrected my faulty thinking, I became flooded with the other ways my life is rich: I am making progress in learning French, my sister dropped me off--and Marlene, the world's sweetest French teacher, picked me up at the airport last week. And this week, I see my editor/computer-teacher/author-friend, Elaine, who always inspires me. Then, I had this epiphany: There have been times when I have been happy on-my-own and other times when I've been unhappy as one half of a couple or, even, being right in the center of my family or friends.

     What is this mood-state I wonder? Is it a sensitive nervous system--somewhat like a painful back or the bleeding ulcers or migraine headaches that some people suffer when anxious or stressed? Faulty thinking? Brain chemistry? Food choices? A Spiritual Misunderstanding? Maybe it's a combination of all of these and more. All I know, is that I got up today, found these important messages ("Flirts"), had an epiphany, and felt inspired to write about them here. And that the epiphany and all that inspired it, lifted me right out of my dark mood-state.

    The Optical Delusion of Separateness. Yes, when I can see my way out of it, separateness does feel like a delusion. Most of the time I am aware that there are people who I care about and who care about me; that my life is filled with interesting experiences and people I enjoy being around. As a therapist, I do work that is very rewarding to me and connecting for me. This does not make me immune to depression, sadness, grief, anger, guilt, shame or any of the other more difficult feelings one has in being human. And why should I have to pretend to be immune. I think that kind of pretending, especially from therapists, tends to make people who are in touch with their blue-ishness feel worse.

    Now, if only I can remember these concepts--the delusion of separateness and being more loving, rather than more loved....really feel it--while stuck in the delusion of separateness. I may have to re-read this blog and remember that I wrote it. Huh!

(Photo-credit: My i-phone--Who would've thunk a pocket gizmo could be so connecting & important in so many ways?)