Surviving the If-Onlys

I sometimes have a story I tell myself that goes like this: "I would be happy, if only..." This is an old story for me. You may have, at times, told yourself this story too. It deals with seeing one aspect of somebody else's life---and then thinking that if I had that aspect of their life, myself, I would be happy.

What I forget, when I am telling myself this story and believing it, is that along with that aspect of somebody else's life, come all the other aspects of their life. Their challenges. Their relationships. The whole shebang!

When I was an adolescent, I thought to myself: "If only I had her figure and her great smile and her cheekbones, I'd be perfect!" What I did not look at when I was if-only-ing, is that along with her figure, her smile, and her cheekbones, come all the other aspects of her life: her family (I like my own family); her talents (I'll keep my own, thank you); and her troubles (and who wants anybody else's troubles?)

In Buddhism, I believe they call this human quality, grasping; where we long for what we do not have. The corollary to it is that we have aversion, or we reject, anything we do have--but don't want-- in our own lives. Like, "If only I had more money" or "If only my mate was more loving" or "If only my kids would be different." The thing is, if we had so-and-so's money or mate or kids, we'd have to have the other aspects of her life that we might not want; maybe her dependency issues, her health, or her kids.

In life, it generally follows that the good comes with the bad. If you marry the football hero or the movie star that you so longed for as a young person, you will also get all the other aspects of his character: his ability to be a good father, a good husband, a co-provider. (To de-feminize this example, use the hotgirl-on-campus, instead of the football hero...See what I mean?)

Here is the circular nature of the if only's. A common if-only is: "If only I had a relationship, I would be happy." Then, you find a relationship; and it's: "If only I could change this relationship, I would be happy";  or, "If only I had a different relationship, I would be happy." Then, it's "If only I were out of this relationship or on-my-own, I would be happy." And when we are on-our-own, it's often, again, "If only I were in a relationship."

It seems that happiness never happens where we live in this paradigm; it alway lies out there somewhere. But, once we get to that somewhere, we find that this isn't the answer either. Or, not for long. Or, it comes with a whole slew of other if onlys. Thus, happiness always eludes us. It's never, "in the now, " as Ekhardt Tolle has written in his wonderful book, A New Earth: Finding Your Life's Purpose.

Is happiness a thing we can win? A thing that is out-there? Or is it a quality of mystery and wonder that lies in our own Inner Knowing? I've noticed that when I am in "A Blue Period," sometimes I find I can  shift what seems to be a dark cloud over my psyche, if I simply think a different thought or take a break from the negative voices in my head, by talking to a positive friend or by reading a book about "The Law of Attraction" or by just watching a DVD I like.

I have a friend who has contracted a painful disorder that may even shorten her life. But, she says that, unexpectedly, she finds herself happier than she has ever been in her life. The radio show host and columnist, quadriplegic psychologist Dr. Dan Gottlieb says that after his accident, he found more purpose in his life than ever before. He reports that he became happier than he had ever been in his life, despite--and, possibly because of--his disability.

It's like that quote by Canadian Buddhist songwriter/poet, Leonard Cohen: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I like that. If I can remember it when I am in my if-onlys, I
would be very pleased...But, I suppose that is an if only, too? Drat! Maybe, then,  you will remind me that I actually wrote this blog.