How Do You Get a Philosopher Off Your Porch?: A Riddle

      I think one of the challenges all of us humans deal with is the challenge of listening to other people. Some people--teachers, counselors, pastors--gurus of one kind or another--are very convincing and charismatic. I would, at times, like to think there is someone in the world who has all the answers; the right answers for me.

      For me, I find that having wise counselors in my life is essential. I mean the kind of people who tell me the truth. Example: "You look as if you have gained weight. Are you overeating lately?" or "Have another child at fifty-two? Are you insane!!" Some of the people I consult to find answers are: my sister; my sons (depending on the situation); a couple of my dear friends; my therapist (and every therapist should have a therapist!); and my dreams (because they can be looked at as wake-up calls from the unconscious mind).

      Ultimately, as I tell people who seek my help as a therapist, you are the one who will experience the ramifications of your decisions. Thus, you will want to be sure to listen to your own "Inner Knowing." This kind of knowing is different than our "shoulds" or our rash impulses (addictions?). What I'm referring to is more like your instinct.

      Okay, I promised you a riddle and here it is:

     "How do you get a philosopher off your porch?"....(Wait for it.)
     "Pay for the pizza."

     No offense to worthy pizza-deliverers everywhere. But few of us, as children, or high school graduates said to ourselves: "I believe my calling in life is to deliver pizzas for Domino's." The philosopher riddle is another way of saying: "How's that working for him/her?" or "If he/she's so smart, how come he/she's not rich?"

    If someone isn't living an authentic, and relatively happy life--perhaps he/she isn't someone we want to consult about our lives. Actually, no one else should have total power over us. Advise? Yes. But, make our decisions for us? No. A wise man once told me that Buddha and Gandhi (though certainly I quote both frequently) were both "bad dads." They are reported to have abandoned their families to follow their respective callings. And, though their callings were important, in the area of parenthood, we might not want to quote either. Hey, who's perfect? Although, I sometimes wonder about how their children fared.

    In the end, like it or not, we are the ones who have to bear responsibility for our own decisions and our own mistakes--and we all make them. So, my rule of thumb is this: I consult my wise advisors. It's a kind of brainstorming technique I use to find my own answers. Other people's ideas (people I respect) ultimately stimulate my own creative problem-solving process. The end result is that I think about the situation in several different ways. Then, I make the best decision I can.

I find when I listen to my own "Inner-Knowing," I tend to come up with the best answer/s for me. (And waiting 24-72 hours, if possible, isn't a bad idea, either!) Ultimately, if I make a decision and my solution doesn't work, I really can't blame anyone else. After all, I was the one who chose to do it this way or that. However, if I don't make any decision at all: I let things be decided by default--or I let someone else make a decision for me--That is a decision, too. "When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice; to not choose." Jarod Kintz

    I know in some relationships, an ex-partner will consider him/herself a victim: "I am devastated--he/she left me." I am always curious about possible passive decision-making on the part of the ex. Was he/she present in the partnership? Was there, perhaps, a non-verbal message from the "identified victim" that might have--even without consciously realizing it--said: "This is not working for me." Certainly, this is not always the case, but it is worth considering.

   I think, most often, the hard part is that the person who may have unconsciously made his/her own passive-decision has little insight about his/her part in the outcome. Sadly, that person may continue to speak "victim" in other choices in his/her life---resulting in a pattern of repeating situations --from relationships to people we attract into our lives (or push out of our lives) to the work we find ourselves doing. See Bill Murray in the film "Groundhog Day" for a better idea of what I'm talking about here--living the life of an automaton--in which we play the crucial part, but we are entirely unaware of this--and we fail to own our own power. We aren't making the decisions in a conscious way.

    I know this sounds like a plug for my profession; but, therein lies the value of therapy. (Sorry, guys, but particularly hypnotherapy). Looking at the "Victim Trance," as Wellness' Diane Zimberoff has written about, and waking-up from it's seductive power may be the single most important realization in one's life.

The Saying that Says it All: "Life is....

      ...what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon, from "Beautiful Boy.")

     At times, I find I get nostalgic for another time in my life. It could be a time when my kids were small or a time when I was in college; when this or that was happening in my life. I am thinking of inventing a computer chip that could be attached to my wrist. Actually, a rubber band on my wrist that I could snap whenever I needed "snapping out of it" would do. In these fits of nostalgia, if I am realistic about them, I am selectively editing out certain segments of the times of my life that I'm currently missing. I'm just remembering the time in my life that allows me to think that another time of my life was better than the time I am in at that moment. Perhaps I am being too unclear, here--let me explain.

     What I mean is this. In fact. I didn't love every moment of the times I embellish in my mind. Example: I loved parts of the time when my kids were small. Why? Because they were cute and cuddly and lived in the room next to mine. What I am forgetting is that there was a lot  I didn't love about that time. Maybe it was that they had ear infections a lot and we were holed up in our rather isolated house in the 'burbs or I worried about their progress in school and I was living in the country-like suburbs without much of a support system nearby....Or forgetting that, in these same years, from about twenty-four to about forty-something I was still (as we used to hear a lot in those days): "trying to find myself." (As in: "What will I be when ((and if)) I grow up?")

     It's pretty much the same with college. Yes, it was a time when I could wear a two-piece bathing suit and a time when I had a lot of friends and family living nearby. But, it was also a time when I thought every decision I made (or was made for me) was the-end-of-the-world: from "What should I major in, in college?" to "Is this guy I'm dating going to be the father of my children?"; From "Should I stay in the Midwest or move to New York?" (I'm from the Midwest) to "Should I continue my education?"

    I forget about how I worried about boyfriends, whether I had one or not. If I had a boyfriend, I would worry: "Does he care for me enough?" or "Do I care for him enough?" or "How will I break up with him?" or "He's breaking up with me!" If I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd worry: "Maybe I will never have a boyfriend" or "Maybe everyone good is already taken."

    Frequently, when I was in school, I'd worry about school-work: "I don't think I can finish this paper--and I'm going to fail the class if I don't!" Or: "I'm not understanding this statistics class; how will I ever get through it?" Sometimes, I'd be studying way into the night in an effort to do well on a test or complete a paper. Following this kind of "cramming" I'd end up being too tired in the morning to concentrate well on the test or I might oversleep and miss the class altogether--thus, I wouldn't turn in my paper at all, even though I had finished it.

    I think of another quote, which is the result of the kind of thinking that we humans do--always concerning ourselves with the past or the future--and never really being present for our life as it is happening. Colette, the Turn-of-the-Century French novelist, is reported to have said, on her deathbed: "What a wonderful life I've had. I only wish I'd realized it sooner."

    Computer chip? Rubber band? How does one continue to remain present for the only thing there really is (outside of our imaginations, however we are editing at the moment): As Ekhart Tolle has reminded us in his writings: all we really ever have, is The Now. Whether it's a difficult time or a terrific one (and usually there are components of both in every time)....Do we want to miss it, while obsessing over the past or the future?

   Next (and my final post in this, my life-lessons series): a riddle.

Joke Number Four: Keep Your F***ing Jack!

     Here's the joke:

     This guy Jim's car had a flat about a mile from his home. He looked in his trunk and saw that he didn't have a jack. But, he remembered that his next-door neighbor, Joe, was a car-mechanic and he would certainly own a jack: "I'll borrow his jack," Jim thought.

     So, Jim left his car on the side of the road and started walking toward his neighbor's house. As he was walking, he said to himself: "If anybody has a jack, Joe does." 

    And, as he continued to walk, he began to think, "Hmm, Joe borrowed my lawn mower at the end of the summer--and I don't think he ever returned it." And walking on: "I'm almost positive it was Joe's dog who messed up my flower bed that time!"....And "That Joe never returned my lawn mower, I mean, that's pretty rude!"....Before long, Jim was mumbling under his breath as he walked toward's Joe's house. Finally he got to the door, rang the bell. In a moment Joe answered the door, with a big friendly smile. 

   Jim looked him in the eye and yelled: "And you can just keep your f***ing jack!"

   Well, of course, don't most of us do this, at times? We tell ourselves a story or interpret something that we experience without considering that there may be another explanation or way to look at it. One example, for me, is the time a friend of mine seemed to see me; and, then, she walked right past me in our local  coffeeshop. I began to think: "Have I offended her in some way?" "Is she not talking to me for some reason?" 

   A day or so later, I saw her at the local post office. So,  I stopped her and said, "You know, I saw you  at Starbucks a day or two go and you didn't even say hello." She explained, "I think I may have had my headset on and I was listening to a song I wanted to remember the words to. I'm sure I didn't see you or I would've said hello. Are you busy now? Let's grab a bite and have a chat."

   I realize that, at times I can--and maybe you can, too-- be like the guy who went to borrow the jack. At times, I can tell myself a story, not so much based on what is happening at the moment, but on fears or insecurities I may have from the past. Before long, I may believe my own story so much, it seems as if there could be no other explanation for what it was I was telling myself. 

   The reason I mention this is that I think a lot of people may unwittingly use their energy in this way: telling themselves a story that isn't even true, as Jim in my jack-joke did and as I did with my friend at Starbucks. To learn this and not repeat the mistake, it is important to see our own tendency to assume (I think Oscar Wilde said it, "When you ass-u-me, you make an ass out of u and me.")For myself, I would rather avoid getting upset for no good reason. It's a bad, even if only occasional, habit, that interferes with my enjoyment of life. Now, I find if I can widen the lens of my memory and see that I have almost always been incorrect, when I've done this negative self-story-telling. And, well, it's pretty humbling (and, maybe, just a tad embarrassing, too?) to realize that not everything is about us! 

    

Joke Three: Two Ties for Christmas.

     Since its holiday time, many of us struggle with challenging families. Here's a story that, perhaps, rings true for many of us with one family member or another.

Joke Three: Two Ties for Christmas

    A mother gave her son two ties for Christmas. He opened his gift on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Morning he came downstairs to breakfast proudly wearing one of the ties.

   "Whatsamatter,"
    his mother admonished him, "You didn't like the other tie?"

   I know. Aren't these the most confounding people? The ones where if you do it this way, it's wrong. And if you do it that way, it's also wrong. That's because it isn't really about the way we did this or that. It's about them. Some people are just plain unhappy and they project that unhappiness on those around them, instead of looking at themselves.

   But, as J.P. Morgan once said, "A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a very good reason and the real reason." It's difficult to look within, but that's almost always where the dissatisfaction lies--with life, other people and one's life situation in general. The curmugeony (is that a word?) nature of impossible-to-please people comes not from this or that on the outside. As the Great Bard (Shakespeare) has said: "The fault....lies not within our stars...but within our selves."

   Trying to please people never really works as a life strategy. We have to ask ourselves, "If I have to please my friends (read: family, partner) to have them accept me,  how different is that from buying their affection?" Actually, when we let go of people-pleasing and are authentic with others; (i.e. when we please ourselves) we tend to win others' respect. And, then, we know that the friendships that remain don't come with a cover-charge.

   Next time: Joke Four: "Keep Your F***ing Jack!" (Uh-oh, I may have ruined the punchline!)

Hard-Discovered Tools for Flipping A Mood-State

     I notice that on occasion I will get into a mood which feels paralyzing. Once I'm in it, I can't tell when it began and I seem to feel helpless to snap out of it.

     As I ask the people I know about their own struggles with Negative Thinking, I find I am not alone. For me, a situation and a thought may start it. And, most often, I find I go to that place when I am, as 12-step programs call it, in the H.A.L.T. state---You know, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

     So, what I've been trying to do to ward off that state is to have a Mood First Aid Kit--I like to call it "A Hope Chest"--in my car, for times I feel the prodromal syndrome that precedes going into a negative mood-state."

     Often, I can snap out of it when I connect with my larger life; the things that are in my life, but I am not connecting with them at the moment. In other words, if I'm feeling lonely or feeling down. (And, yes, therapists sometimes feel just the way their clients do!) I need to do some CPR on my mood before it's blueness runs into the next day or into the weekend.

     Instead of allowing myself to be trapped by my mood, I can reach for something that will soothe me--something without harmful side effects. Peering inside my "Hope Chest," I will find some of the reminders I need to snap out of it: a gratitude list; a positive book or favorite album or dvd that spins my mood; an affirmation or poem; pictures of my sons and my niece and nephew, my sister, my friends; pictures of items in my home or office that inspire me; sayings that I like; a list of accomplishments (We all have little accomplishments!)

     And then there's another way I turn a bum-mood around....Am I feeling lonely? Well, if I were more social, could I do my practice (which is my work)? If I were a social butterfly, would I have time to be creative--to be having this conversation with you? If I were more social, could I expose myself to things that have been tremendously enriching: hypnotherapy, learning french, travel.

     Also, you don't have to be a boy-scout to know that being prepared can be crucial. So in my mood-surfing kit, I would have: some music I love; something healthy to eat; something healthy to drink; and, possibly, some phone numbers to call for support.

      Recently, I was approaching my birthday with a feeling of dread. Was I appreciating being alive and healthy and having a wonderful profession that I love even 21 years since I went back to school for it? Not really.  I was thinking: "Do I really have the energy to drive to my sister's house? I'm feeling a little tired." The birthday plan I had was to drive to my sister's in a suburb of Chicago. We had planned to have dinner and go to a movie. Then on Sunday, I had planned to go to a spiritual center with some friends, followed by brunch and browsing in the Andersonville area of the city.

     I had a terrific weekend, actually--So, looking back, I consider that the time I spent feeling that dread-feeling a colossal waste of time!

     On my birthday, after I stretched my comfort zone (read: forced myself) to drive to my sister's, I found the following: 1. The weather was excellent 2. Dinner and the movie that we saw was great fun (It was in French) and 3. Chicago's Bodhi Center was inspiring, along with the joy of brunch and browsing with people I like.

     And, when I returned home, over twenty-five friends and relatives from all over the country contacted me. When I look at how I approached the weekend (with dread of disappointment and a fear of loneliness)--the outcome was actually the polar opposite. As one friend of mine said: "You were like the man who is dying of thirst, surrounded by a thousand lakes." Ever since my birthday, I've been trying to boil down what it was that started the positive spin, so that I can spin it again.

And I think the key was nudging myself out of my comfort zone. I think if I hadn't forced myself to just get in the car and drive and fought "I-don't-feel-like-its" (Note: this must be said with a whine.) I would have had the dread-day I was self-predicting. Now, I'm intrigued by how people, myself included, can moodspin. All in all, it is not doing what I feel like doing or am habituated to, which allows others in,  pulls me out of my darker places, and ultimately has a domino effect on every aspect of my life.

Joke Two: The Kreplach Story

     First, for those who don't know what kreplach are, let me explain. Kreplach are little meatpies, similar to Chinese wontons, that, like matzoballs, often appear in chicken soup, when it's made by a Jewish mother.

     Joke Two:  "The Kreplach Story"

     There was a little boy who was terrified of kreplach and his mother made them every Friday night.
Every time he saw them he would scream: "Ahhhhh, kreplach!!!!" and run out of the room.

     His mother thought about how she could help him overcome his irrational fear of the harmless little meat pies. So, she brought him into the kitchen one Friday afternoon and she took out her baking ingredients. Together she and little Sammy put the flour and egg and oil and water together and rolled it into a ball.

     His mother said, pointing to the dough-ball: "Sammy, are you afraid of this?" Sammy replied, "No."

     Then mother and Sammy together took a big rolling pin and rolled out the dough. "Sammy," said his mother, "are you afraid of this?" Sammy replied calmly, "No."

     She then enlisted Sammy to help her cut the dough and place a tablespoon of meat on top. As they pinched each individual pie shut, mother said: "So, Sammy? Are you afraid of this?" Sammy said confidently, "No."

     Then, together, they dropped the pies in a big pot of boiling water and put on the cover.
Twenty minutes later, mother called Sammy back into the room, opened the cover....and brought a chair for Sammy to stand on, showing him the results of their labors.

    "Ahhh, kreplach!!!" the boy screamed, running out of the room.

    How many times do we find ourselves in a life pattern and say, "But I thought this guy/gal was different!" or "I thought this job/friend/place to live would be different!" What may very well have needed to be different was us. Unless we can do the work of seeing our part in our lives, our choices, our mistakes, we are like small children, blaming everybody else for whatever mess we find ourselves in. The growth is in seeing our part, then acting on that awareness. Once we become cognizant of what we do, to sow the seeds we sow, we have a choice. We can't control other people. But, we can use our mistakes to make healthier choices for ourselves. The one thing that's always the same in a pattern we begin to recognize in our lives is not so much the pattern (there may be different patterns with familiar themes), but us. And, by the way, I don't mean to say it's always us. Sometimes we do need to find a new job, a different place to live, another boy/girlfriend!

Next Joke (for the Holidays): Two Ties For Christmas.

Four Jokes, A Riddle, and A Saying: Metaphors for Living

There are ways I notice I can make myself miserable. Other people make themselves miserable in these ways, too. I find the best way to explain how I do this is with four jokes, a riddle and a saying.

Joke One:

A grandmother takes her little grandson to the beach. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, as they stand in the shallow water and throw the beach ball back and forth. The little boy is giggling and running and having so much fun. And then, all of a sudden, the sky grows dark, there's a thunderclap, and a wave comes and sweeps the boy away. The grandmother is beside herself! She raises her hands to the sky and says: "He was only two years old!" "Why did you have to do that!" "My daughter-in-law is going to kill me!" She's carrying on like this for quite a while. And then there is a thunderclap and a big wave comes and deposits the boy at her feet, not a hair on his head harmed. Whereupon she raises her hands to the sky and says: "He had a hat!"

Yup. I can get a miracle and still be dissatisfied! I'm worried about something that has not happened. My son hasn't called in a couple of weeks. I hope he's okay. But, what if he isn't.....I didn't finish that thing from work, and, even though I have an extension, I am certain I will be shamed for being so slow to finish....And then my son calls. He's fine; just busy. My work gets done; and no shaming. And so it goes. Next thing you know I'm worrying about a health issue or a relational issue. Even when the situation I was so focused on resolves itself, there is always another situation to focus on. What is that? Neurotic behavior I'm sure, but also, it's not seeing the miracles all around and looking for the hat, so to speak. And more: it's not seeing the history of my worrying and it's outcomes...And just continuing to complain. I hate to admit it, but maybe there ought to be a 12-step program for negative thinkers. Although I work on my own negative thinking patterns, sometimes the support of others puts things in perspective. And the spiritual connection, whatever a person's connection is, allows us to be grateful for the miracles that we receive.

Next time: Joke Two.