How Do You Get a Philosopher Off Your Porch?: A Riddle

      I think one of the challenges all of us humans deal with is the challenge of listening to other people. Some people--teachers, counselors, pastors--gurus of one kind or another--are very convincing and charismatic. I would, at times, like to think there is someone in the world who has all the answers; the right answers for me.

      For me, I find that having wise counselors in my life is essential. I mean the kind of people who tell me the truth. Example: "You look as if you have gained weight. Are you overeating lately?" or "Have another child at fifty-two? Are you insane!!" Some of the people I consult to find answers are: my sister; my sons (depending on the situation); a couple of my dear friends; my therapist (and every therapist should have a therapist!); and my dreams (because they can be looked at as wake-up calls from the unconscious mind).

      Ultimately, as I tell people who seek my help as a therapist, you are the one who will experience the ramifications of your decisions. Thus, you will want to be sure to listen to your own "Inner Knowing." This kind of knowing is different than our "shoulds" or our rash impulses (addictions?). What I'm referring to is more like your instinct.

      Okay, I promised you a riddle and here it is:

     "How do you get a philosopher off your porch?"....(Wait for it.)
     "Pay for the pizza."

     No offense to worthy pizza-deliverers everywhere. But few of us, as children, or high school graduates said to ourselves: "I believe my calling in life is to deliver pizzas for Domino's." The philosopher riddle is another way of saying: "How's that working for him/her?" or "If he/she's so smart, how come he/she's not rich?"

    If someone isn't living an authentic, and relatively happy life--perhaps he/she isn't someone we want to consult about our lives. Actually, no one else should have total power over us. Advise? Yes. But, make our decisions for us? No. A wise man once told me that Buddha and Gandhi (though certainly I quote both frequently) were both "bad dads." They are reported to have abandoned their families to follow their respective callings. And, though their callings were important, in the area of parenthood, we might not want to quote either. Hey, who's perfect? Although, I sometimes wonder about how their children fared.

    In the end, like it or not, we are the ones who have to bear responsibility for our own decisions and our own mistakes--and we all make them. So, my rule of thumb is this: I consult my wise advisors. It's a kind of brainstorming technique I use to find my own answers. Other people's ideas (people I respect) ultimately stimulate my own creative problem-solving process. The end result is that I think about the situation in several different ways. Then, I make the best decision I can.

I find when I listen to my own "Inner-Knowing," I tend to come up with the best answer/s for me. (And waiting 24-72 hours, if possible, isn't a bad idea, either!) Ultimately, if I make a decision and my solution doesn't work, I really can't blame anyone else. After all, I was the one who chose to do it this way or that. However, if I don't make any decision at all: I let things be decided by default--or I let someone else make a decision for me--That is a decision, too. "When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice; to not choose." Jarod Kintz

    I know in some relationships, an ex-partner will consider him/herself a victim: "I am devastated--he/she left me." I am always curious about possible passive decision-making on the part of the ex. Was he/she present in the partnership? Was there, perhaps, a non-verbal message from the "identified victim" that might have--even without consciously realizing it--said: "This is not working for me." Certainly, this is not always the case, but it is worth considering.

   I think, most often, the hard part is that the person who may have unconsciously made his/her own passive-decision has little insight about his/her part in the outcome. Sadly, that person may continue to speak "victim" in other choices in his/her life---resulting in a pattern of repeating situations --from relationships to people we attract into our lives (or push out of our lives) to the work we find ourselves doing. See Bill Murray in the film "Groundhog Day" for a better idea of what I'm talking about here--living the life of an automaton--in which we play the crucial part, but we are entirely unaware of this--and we fail to own our own power. We aren't making the decisions in a conscious way.

    I know this sounds like a plug for my profession; but, therein lies the value of therapy. (Sorry, guys, but particularly hypnotherapy). Looking at the "Victim Trance," as Wellness' Diane Zimberoff has written about, and waking-up from it's seductive power may be the single most important realization in one's life.