My Dating "Inner Knowing" Makes an Appearance (And Not a Cameo!)

Earlier this week, I found myself on another in a series of coffee-dates, attempting to make new friends--even, perhaps, find a special person to connect to. This fellow and I had corresponded on my favorite dating site for folks in my age-range: don'tbedesperate.com.

He was a fascinating man; there was a draw to him that is difficult to explain. You just know it when you feel it. But, as we talked on, I had "an ah-hah moment." I felt, a strong feeling, deep within myself, that this man was simply not available. I felt a sense that either he could not connect to another in an intimate relationship or he was still unfinished about a relationship that he thought was over. Another thing, I found interesting: I had the feeling he and I were talking in some strange kind of code. I've never had this sense before with anyone, so I found it pretty odd. And it wasn't only that he was speaking in this code; I was speaking it too.

So, then, instead of doing what I most often do--which is to dismiss my "inner knowing" and just forge ahead, telling myself that "once we really get to know one another--this will all change"--I stopped. I breathed. I listened. And, instead of brushing off the quiet, calm sense I had about this, the sense I felt deep within; I told him what I was thinking. He listened, but didn't really listen. Instead, he asked if we could continue the afternoon, by taking a walk; then, perhaps going dancing. I told him: "I am looking for a person who is available for a relationship, though even if you were available, I can't know that this person is you....But, I'm getting a strong feeling you're really not available."

He then assured me that he was. And instead of believing his words, above my intuition (which is something I most often did as a younger woman), I stayed with my intuition. I had seen a subtle look come across his face, when talking about someone he had recently dated. We talked about our childhoods and his was one with unavailable parents. I told him about mine too--and about my father who was always working, but when he was there was charming and loving.

I said: I am looking for a friend, and possibly a partner. And I told him that I had an experience about a year or more ago, with a man who I saw for a couple of months--He told me he was "addicted to romance"; but he said he thought he had that beat now. I should have taken his words for the warning they were, and ended things; but I didn't. Ultimately, this man was not available. He had actually warned me he wasn't. But, I thought: "Oh, I can fix that! He just hasn't really met the right woman yet!" (Of course, I was thinking that I was the right woman.)

In a short while my coffee-date said: "I have been a player." And I knew that his playing was not a temporary condition, like a cold. It was who he was. I couldn't do much about that. My job was not to fix him, but rather to look at myself: What in me has been attracted to such a person? More than once? Why have I silenced my own "inner voice" in the past, to do the dance that always disappoints?

It's nice to know though, that after something difficult happens--a pain, a disappointment--that I really can do things differently. It is the surprise gift inside every painful lesson, I think---That within every painful moment is a lesson to help us grow. Will it help me find the right mate? Beats me! But, even if it doesn't find me a mate, this gift inside the pain comes with an undeniable joy--the feeling that my pain is not meaningless. It has a purpose. On my coffee-date with this unavailable man, I made a choice: to go with my "inner knowing," above this man's assurances that he was cured--(or that I was cured!) I wasn't putting a man's assurances above my own "inner knowing." And, goshdarnit, I really like myself this way!

The Best: Always Yet to Come!

This summer, I took a vacation to Normandy for three weeks. I have set myself on a mission: To take the longest vacation I have ever taken (three weeks); To get better at speaking French; and to do some writing while I am in France. 

I have other goals as well. I want to enjoy the moment and all of my surroundings here. I want to spend some quality time with my son and his fiance who live here. And I want to see how I do in a different culture--one without the comforts I have grown used to.

Before I left, I got this card from my friend that said: "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin.

It's terrifying to try new things, isn't it? Things we aren't sure we'll be good at? Things that test us in new ways. Things whose outcome we don't know. But the truth is, we don't know anything. We only think we do. 

Don't you find that sometimes in the middle of your life, where you feel as if you could predict exactly how that day and that week and the next will go, something unexpected or shocking happens--it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It might be that you are going through your day-to-day life and suddenly you decide to quit your job or decide you absolutely must go somewhere you don't ordinarily go---and because of this seemingly sudden decision, you meet someone who is now your best friend or partner or someone who gives you just the tip you need to take the next step in your life.

You take a class, hoping to learn something that will advance you in your career. Instead you meet your 

best friend there. You stop for a bagel--and you don't even know why--and you meet someone who will become a part of your life, even change your destiny, altogether.

I believe that like the Marsha Linehan "Behavior Chain Analysis," tool of her Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Often known as DBT), one seemingly unrelated thing may oddly lead to something important that happens to us down the road. 

An example of this, for me, was that because I was a stay-at-home mom for a bit, I was reading a lot of Isaac Bashevis Singer, the Nobel Laureate for Literature in that year. On an impulse, I took out my little Sears Manual typewriter and typed him a letter. On another impulse, I scribbled my phone number at the end. At the time, I lived in the suburbs of New York. But, I didn't know where to send my letter, so I sent it to his publisher.

And because I was filled with creative ennui and doing a lot of reading when my children were small, I wrote the letter. And because I wrote the letter, Mr. Singer called me and invited me over. And because I went to meet him, I was invited to a Chanukah party at his home. And because I went to the party and wrote down some notes about what had happened there, I wrote about my meeting, seven years after it had happened. And because I sent it to The New York Times' "Speaking Personally" Section, it got published there. And because it got published in the New York Times, I thought of myself, more officially, as a writer. 

So you see what I mean? It's the Butterfly Effect or The Chaos Theory, that one tiny shift in the world, causes something else to shift ever so slightly, so that over time, big changes can happen. 

That's why we have to stretch and grow and try new things, even if we don't (and we never really do) know the outcome. And we certainly can't know the ramifications of some small thing we do over time.

But, there is a kind of domino effect. We topple over one domino--and the whole domino world reconfigures. 

I have to keep telling myself: It doesn't matter how old I am or what has happened before. I am--we all are recreating ourselves every moment throughout our lives, a teeny-tiny bit at a time. So, that is why we must, we absolutely must, follow our instincts and try something new. It's especially important to us Sixties kids. We need to keep the aliveness in our lives. And nobody else can do it for us!

I'll Have Some Cheese With my Whine!

I'm almost too embarrassed to tell you this! I had met somebody on-line and we were talking--well  texting and e-mailing and even talking on the phone pretty often. Now, you need to know this, if you somehow thought otherwise: being a psychotherapist in no way makes me immune from the same sorts of problems my clients deal with. As we therapists say: "A fish doesn't know that it's wet."

I have told other people (and need other people to tell me, at times) that, often our best quality is also our worst quality, as well. My imagination is essential to me in so many ways. It helps me to find out how to help people, which is my profession. It gives me things to write about for this blog and for the essays of mine that occasionally get aired on the radio. And, it's so much a part of my very personality....And, yet, it gets me in trouble, as it did with this total stranger who might very well be a unibomber or a sexual predator. Let me explain.

Sight unseen, this rather attractive (I had only seen the photo he posted on his profile--and his profile made him sound so adorable) man, told me that he would be in Milwaukee in a few weeks for a family wedding and would I like to be his date. I answered back that this was an interesting proposition, but hadn't we best meet one another first. He agreed, but since he was in another state; he probably would not be here for the wedding for several weeks.

We exchanged e-mail addresses and telephone numbers and started to have a virtual relationship, that is, talk to one another by one or another of these methods of comnunication quite often. It almost seemed as if we had a running conversation going throughout the day. He'd text, then call. I'd e-mail him back, then we'd text one another photos of what we were doing that day. It almost felt as if I had a h**band! I mean, I would tell him what I was doing throughout the day & he would tell me. It reminded me of what I really liked about having a h**band.

Then, it got a tad flirty, almost intimate. At times, he felt to me like he "went over the top." I pulled back, but then he'd write or call and say something sweet and charming. And there I was again, making up the "us" story....We can live here part of the year and there part of the year...and He's a writer, I'm a writer: We'll write together...and we both liked to travel: He has relatives in Paris, I have relatives in Normandy...We can spend time in both places visiting our families and traveling in Europe.


So, there I was, concocting a story about a person I didn't even know I liked. A person who I might meet and have no chemistry with in any way! But, on-line, on-the-phone, by text it was fun to dream. And so I did. For a week---maybe it was two, this went on. At one point, he invited me to fly out to meet him halfway. And, though I knew how crazy this would be, I was actually tempted to do it.

And then, just as he had appeared on the don'tbedesperate.com dating site, the one where a lot of really nice guys appear; he totally disappeared. He didn't write; he didn't call. I texted him and got the he's- really-not-that-into-you response: "I've just been busy."

Now, I have a friend who has lost the love of her life to cancer; a friend whose husband is so depressed he's been living in their bedroom. I have another friend who's fiance has been on a fishing trip and has "gone missing"! So, I really have got some nerve whining about this guy who is not even a real person. He could be married. He could be afflicted with a terrible drug problem. He could be a group of precocious teen boys who made up an identity. Yet, as if he were real; as if he were a h**band, my husband.....it feels as if a real person came into my life and he's left me. I know, I have nothing to feel whiny about....but, I feel whiny. So, hey, please pass the cheese. I do so like cheese with my whine.

Attention Deficit, Could it be The Out-of-the-Box-Creative-Thinker's Gift?

I have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. What this means is that I have difficulty in concentrating on things I am not interested in. Sometimes this makes me wonder---Do I really have a deficit because I'm not good at organizing paperwork or returning to tasks that are intellectually unstimulating for me? Or is it just that I am somehow in a space where the organizer has more value than the creative-person, unless that creative person is a Spielberg or an Einstein or a J.K. Rowlings.

I go back and forth on this. I have a feeling that none of these original thinkers do or did their own taxes, organized their filing cabinets or kept up with their bills all-by-themselves. I think they hired people who were good at those tasks to do them. Even people who are good with math or law or science can be creative-thinkers (possibly diagnosed with A.D.D.). But, they are good in a way that interests them. Not necessarily the research--but more the original concepts.

Dr Iain McGilchrist has a little animated feature on u-tube called "The Divided Brain." In it he looks at how the different parts of the brain communicate--and how rational thinking (which is basically being good at whatever already exists) gets more appreciation than the creative thinking (which is inventing new and better things that the creative brain brings into existence).

Well, of course we have to pay our taxes and our bills and put our clothes away and locate our phone numbers. But, instead of understanding that different people have a different skill-set, generally, in the world I inhabit, anyway; we believe that rational-thinkers have cornered the market on what-is-needed--and creative-thinkers are dreamers-who-don't-really-accomplish much.

I think of a story I heard about an alien that came to a planet where all its inhabitants had four-fingers.
The alien had five fingers and, so, was a freak of nature---well, on this planet. So the planets' inhabitants thought about how to remedy the problem. And what they came up with was to remove one of his fingers---so he could be just like them! Instead of looking at the possible advantages of having a hand that could pick up more, these rational thinkers found a way to have their hands be the only kind of hands there were.

I wonder about the value of creative-thinkers in a rational-thinkers world. Perhaps we should all be
considering the value of individual differences; understanding that creative-thinkers are necessary to invent and inspire and make new things happen. Rational-thinkers are important too; to see that the inventions and inspirations and new things that creative-thinkers create, continue to function efficiently and to keep replicating the inventions and teaching the concepts to others, so that the rest of us can pay our taxes and our bills, keep our filing cabinets organized and get the services that would not be there in the first place without the creative-thinkers.

I know my Attention Deficit seems like a deficit when I am trying to do a task like deal with insurance companies to see that they do what I am paying for them to do--or straighten out a banking or a billing error. But this kind of thinking sure comes in handy when I am feeling inspired in a therapy session to see what is blocking my client from achieving his goals or when I am writing to you in this blog or when I am combining a lot of what I know from all the places my mind is attracted to to come up with an-alternative-to-what-is.

Surviving the If-Onlys

I sometimes have a story I tell myself that goes like this: "I would be happy, if only..." This is an old story for me. You may have, at times, told yourself this story too. It deals with seeing one aspect of somebody else's life---and then thinking that if I had that aspect of their life, myself, I would be happy.

What I forget, when I am telling myself this story and believing it, is that along with that aspect of somebody else's life, come all the other aspects of their life. Their challenges. Their relationships. The whole shebang!

When I was an adolescent, I thought to myself: "If only I had her figure and her great smile and her cheekbones, I'd be perfect!" What I did not look at when I was if-only-ing, is that along with her figure, her smile, and her cheekbones, come all the other aspects of her life: her family (I like my own family); her talents (I'll keep my own, thank you); and her troubles (and who wants anybody else's troubles?)

In Buddhism, I believe they call this human quality, grasping; where we long for what we do not have. The corollary to it is that we have aversion, or we reject, anything we do have--but don't want-- in our own lives. Like, "If only I had more money" or "If only my mate was more loving" or "If only my kids would be different." The thing is, if we had so-and-so's money or mate or kids, we'd have to have the other aspects of her life that we might not want; maybe her dependency issues, her health, or her kids.

In life, it generally follows that the good comes with the bad. If you marry the football hero or the movie star that you so longed for as a young person, you will also get all the other aspects of his character: his ability to be a good father, a good husband, a co-provider. (To de-feminize this example, use the hotgirl-on-campus, instead of the football hero...See what I mean?)

Here is the circular nature of the if only's. A common if-only is: "If only I had a relationship, I would be happy." Then, you find a relationship; and it's: "If only I could change this relationship, I would be happy";  or, "If only I had a different relationship, I would be happy." Then, it's "If only I were out of this relationship or on-my-own, I would be happy." And when we are on-our-own, it's often, again, "If only I were in a relationship."

It seems that happiness never happens where we live in this paradigm; it alway lies out there somewhere. But, once we get to that somewhere, we find that this isn't the answer either. Or, not for long. Or, it comes with a whole slew of other if onlys. Thus, happiness always eludes us. It's never, "in the now, " as Ekhardt Tolle has written in his wonderful book, A New Earth: Finding Your Life's Purpose.

Is happiness a thing we can win? A thing that is out-there? Or is it a quality of mystery and wonder that lies in our own Inner Knowing? I've noticed that when I am in "A Blue Period," sometimes I find I can  shift what seems to be a dark cloud over my psyche, if I simply think a different thought or take a break from the negative voices in my head, by talking to a positive friend or by reading a book about "The Law of Attraction" or by just watching a DVD I like.

I have a friend who has contracted a painful disorder that may even shorten her life. But, she says that, unexpectedly, she finds herself happier than she has ever been in her life. The radio show host and columnist, quadriplegic psychologist Dr. Dan Gottlieb says that after his accident, he found more purpose in his life than ever before. He reports that he became happier than he had ever been in his life, despite--and, possibly because of--his disability.

It's like that quote by Canadian Buddhist songwriter/poet, Leonard Cohen: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I like that. If I can remember it when I am in my if-onlys, I
would be very pleased...But, I suppose that is an if only, too? Drat! Maybe, then,  you will remind me that I actually wrote this blog.

Friday Night at the Movies: Good Therapy for Tough Times

In between husbands or boyfriends, I used to find myself feeling pretty "blue" on the way home from work especially on a Friday night. Where many people look forward to the weekend as heralding the beginning of time-off from work and time to do the things they love, I used to dread weekends, especially weekends where my friends were all busy and I hadn't found you (blog-readers), yet. But I found a wonderful way to get out of my head and into somebody else's life: films. What I do is take out one of my favorite films (Either from an on-line service or the video store or my own personal collection).The one thing every one of these films has in-common is that each is what I call a Strong-Woman-Film. Each has a main character who is a courageous women, whether by choice or by chance.

Some of my favorite films are not on the best-seller list. Although, some are. Or were. When I was going through my divorce, I would get out the ironing board, the iron and whatever clothes needed ironing (usually most of my clothes)--and pop in my pick of the day. And that day was usually Friday.

What is it about coming home from work Friday night and knowing that your honey is not going to meet you at the door? I find, even if I have weekend plans, and I almost always do, these days; just knowing that I will not have that sometimes overrated, often longed for, honey waiting home for me or coming home to me can be somewhat upsetting.

In the past, I comforted myself with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but later decided that I didn't want to become a chubby and a lonely woman. That could only make me feel worse!

So, I stock up on films, ones that show strong women living brave lives. Some of my favorites are (and be
prepared for many chick-flicks, here): "The African Queen" with Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart;
"The Goodbye Girl," with Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfus; "Out of Africa," with Meryl Streep and Robert Redford; "Married to the Mob," with Michelle Pfeiffer and Alec Baldwin; "It's Complicated," with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin; "Unconditional Love," with Kathy Bates, Rupert Everett and Dan Aykroyd; "The Painted Veil," with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton; "Something's Gotta Give," with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson; "All About My Mother," with Cecilia Roth and Penelope Cruz; "Straight Talk," with Dolly Parton and James Woods; "Heartburn," with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson; and Jane Fonda and Robert DiNiro in "Stanley and Iris."

Of course, there are many, many more, but I haven't memory enough or space enough to list them all. Right now, I'll be taking a hot bath and then curling up with Allie McBeal. I love her independent spirit!And the series was made in the 90s, I think--maybe before. That's right, it's Friday night! Hey, it's better than being with someone you wish you weren't with, right?

Alcoholism: It's a Disease, Not a Moral Failing

In my day job, I am a social worker and an alcohol and drug counselor. What astounds me about living in this day and age is that some folks still see alcoholism and drug addiction as a moral failing. Even some doctors are judgmental, treating the afflicted-person in ways they would never treat someone with cancer, kidney-failure, or heart disease.

It's a disease of the brain. Here are some reasons that we know it is a disease: 1. It is chronic, progressive, and deadly. 2. We have SPEC-scans that prove that the brains of the afflicted are damaged. 3. Tolerance (or needing more and more to get the same effect) for the person who is dealing with this disease shows that something has changed in the brain. 4. Withdrawal, or taking a drug or alcohol addicted person off the drugs or alcohol, will create strong physical symptoms such as the tremors  (shaking) often seen in the alcoholic or the symptoms of the opioid-addicted person: vomiting, shaking, diarrhea, insomnia. If drug addiction/alcoholism was not a disease, would we be seeing these unpleasant, sometimes dangerous physical symptoms, once people stopped using?

Actually, even a study of identical twins, sons of an alcoholic father, separated at birth, found that both boys, one raised in an alcoholic home and one raised in a non-alcoholic home became addicted to alcohol. Studies have shown that the children of substance-abusers had a strong tendency, once introduced to the drug-of-choice, to become addicted. Theory has it that this disease is partly genetic; one may have inherited tendencies.

Perhaps, some folks don't know that setting limits is not the same as shaming people for what they have been unfortunate enough to have. Imagine stopping someone who is physically-challenged, saying, "You slacker! Get up and walk!" Being wheelchair-bound is not a person's fault, but some people take the challenge it presents and do something with it.  Some people might stand on the street corner asking for handouts, while one friend of mine got her Master's Degree in social work and is attempting to help others.

Now, wait a minute! I'm not saying that people should not be responsible for themselves. I'm saying that "It's not the fault of an alcoholic or substance abusing person (and there are a lot of behavior-addictions  too--like compulsive gambling, eating, sex-addiction, on line pornography, debting) that they have this disease; but (and here's the part that the alcoholic/addicted person has to do the work on) what is that person choosing do do about it?"

And, these days, there are groups and doctors and craving-medications and therapy that help the afflicted.
But, like the old saying, "You can bring a horse to water; but you can't make him drink."; the best the rest of us, if we are people who care about the addicted, can do---is to set limits with concern and stick to them: the husband or wife who says: "I'm not going to stay with you to watch you killing yourself" and then sticks to it; the employer who says, "Unless you get treatment and stay in remission with your alcohol/drug addiction, I'm going to need to let you go."

And, don't even get me started about 12-step meetings! What a group of good potential supports, a real "functional family," can be had, along with a drug/alcohol-free social life---for free, just by going to meetings. And the spiritual side of AA/NA/OA is profound and life-altering (not religious, but believing that alcohol/drugs are not your God, and you are not your God either....One can be an agnostic and being able to have what has been called, "Radical Acceptance," is a true life-gift, alcoholic, substance-abuser or not!)

Some of the dearest hearts I've met go to 12-step meetings to maintain their abstinence (being free of the chemical) and grow into sobriety (a way of thinking that helps maintain functional thinking and improves the quality of one's life, generally achieved by the taking of the 12-steps and a healthy amount of therapy.)

So, sorry for the lecture, but it seems so ridiculous to me that in this day and with all the information we have about addiction--that more people would "get" that this is a disease. Of course it makes us angry! Of course it frustrates us because, like the addicted person, we cannot control someone's behaviors--even if we love that person with all of our hearts--We can only control our own. It's a disease that may, at first need the limit-setting of significant people (the husband/wife, the "boss"). I'm not talking about enabling the person by ignoring their behaviors--but rather by being a loving friend, parent, child, employer in saying to the addicted person in our lives: "You go take care of yourself or I need to stop/limit my contact with you...I cannot stand by and watch you kill yourself!"

And those of us who work with the addicted and their families feel this way: "Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself." Addiction is a strong foe, but many, many people have put their disease in remission and lived to help others. Now, that's what I'm talking about! Any questions?