In between husbands or boyfriends, I used to find myself feeling pretty "blue" on the way home from work especially on a Friday night. Where many people look forward to the weekend as heralding the beginning of time-off from work and time to do the things they love, I used to dread weekends, especially weekends where my friends were all busy and I hadn't found you (blog-readers), yet. But I found a wonderful way to get out of my head and into somebody else's life: films. What I do is take out one of my favorite films (Either from an on-line service or the video store or my own personal collection).The one thing every one of these films has in-common is that each is what I call a Strong-Woman-Film. Each has a main character who is a courageous women, whether by choice or by chance.
Some of my favorite films are not on the best-seller list. Although, some are. Or were. When I was going through my divorce, I would get out the ironing board, the iron and whatever clothes needed ironing (usually most of my clothes)--and pop in my pick of the day. And that day was usually Friday.
What is it about coming home from work Friday night and knowing that your honey is not going to meet you at the door? I find, even if I have weekend plans, and I almost always do, these days; just knowing that I will not have that sometimes overrated, often longed for, honey waiting home for me or coming home to me can be somewhat upsetting.
In the past, I comforted myself with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but later decided that I didn't want to become a chubby and a lonely woman. That could only make me feel worse!
So, I stock up on films, ones that show strong women living brave lives. Some of my favorites are (and be
prepared for many chick-flicks, here): "The African Queen" with Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart;
"The Goodbye Girl," with Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfus; "Out of Africa," with Meryl Streep and Robert Redford; "Married to the Mob," with Michelle Pfeiffer and Alec Baldwin; "It's Complicated," with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin; "Unconditional Love," with Kathy Bates, Rupert Everett and Dan Aykroyd; "The Painted Veil," with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton; "Something's Gotta Give," with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson; "All About My Mother," with Cecilia Roth and Penelope Cruz; "Straight Talk," with Dolly Parton and James Woods; "Heartburn," with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson; and Jane Fonda and Robert DiNiro in "Stanley and Iris."
Of course, there are many, many more, but I haven't memory enough or space enough to list them all. Right now, I'll be taking a hot bath and then curling up with Allie McBeal. I love her independent spirit!And the series was made in the 90s, I think--maybe before. That's right, it's Friday night! Hey, it's better than being with someone you wish you weren't with, right?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Alcoholism: It's a Disease, Not a Moral Failing
In my day job, I am a social worker and an alcohol and drug counselor. What astounds me about living in this day and age is that some folks still see alcoholism and drug addiction as a moral failing. Even some doctors are judgmental, treating the afflicted-person in ways they would never treat someone with cancer, kidney-failure, or heart disease.
It's a disease of the brain. Here are some reasons that we know it is a disease: 1. It is chronic, progressive, and deadly. 2. We have SPEC-scans that prove that the brains of the afflicted are damaged. 3. Tolerance (or needing more and more to get the same effect) for the person who is dealing with this disease shows that something has changed in the brain. 4. Withdrawal, or taking a drug or alcohol addicted person off the drugs or alcohol, will create strong physical symptoms such as the tremors (shaking) often seen in the alcoholic or the symptoms of the opioid-addicted person: vomiting, shaking, diarrhea, insomnia. If drug addiction/alcoholism was not a disease, would we be seeing these unpleasant, sometimes dangerous physical symptoms, once people stopped using?
Actually, even a study of identical twins, sons of an alcoholic father, separated at birth, found that both boys, one raised in an alcoholic home and one raised in a non-alcoholic home became addicted to alcohol. Studies have shown that the children of substance-abusers had a strong tendency, once introduced to the drug-of-choice, to become addicted. Theory has it that this disease is partly genetic; one may have inherited tendencies.
Perhaps, some folks don't know that setting limits is not the same as shaming people for what they have been unfortunate enough to have. Imagine stopping someone who is physically-challenged, saying, "You slacker! Get up and walk!" Being wheelchair-bound is not a person's fault, but some people take the challenge it presents and do something with it. Some people might stand on the street corner asking for handouts, while one friend of mine got her Master's Degree in social work and is attempting to help others.
Now, wait a minute! I'm not saying that people should not be responsible for themselves. I'm saying that "It's not the fault of an alcoholic or substance abusing person (and there are a lot of behavior-addictions too--like compulsive gambling, eating, sex-addiction, on line pornography, debting) that they have this disease; but (and here's the part that the alcoholic/addicted person has to do the work on) what is that person choosing do do about it?"
And, these days, there are groups and doctors and craving-medications and therapy that help the afflicted.
But, like the old saying, "You can bring a horse to water; but you can't make him drink."; the best the rest of us, if we are people who care about the addicted, can do---is to set limits with concern and stick to them: the husband or wife who says: "I'm not going to stay with you to watch you killing yourself" and then sticks to it; the employer who says, "Unless you get treatment and stay in remission with your alcohol/drug addiction, I'm going to need to let you go."
And, don't even get me started about 12-step meetings! What a group of good potential supports, a real "functional family," can be had, along with a drug/alcohol-free social life---for free, just by going to meetings. And the spiritual side of AA/NA/OA is profound and life-altering (not religious, but believing that alcohol/drugs are not your God, and you are not your God either....One can be an agnostic and being able to have what has been called, "Radical Acceptance," is a true life-gift, alcoholic, substance-abuser or not!)
Some of the dearest hearts I've met go to 12-step meetings to maintain their abstinence (being free of the chemical) and grow into sobriety (a way of thinking that helps maintain functional thinking and improves the quality of one's life, generally achieved by the taking of the 12-steps and a healthy amount of therapy.)
So, sorry for the lecture, but it seems so ridiculous to me that in this day and with all the information we have about addiction--that more people would "get" that this is a disease. Of course it makes us angry! Of course it frustrates us because, like the addicted person, we cannot control someone's behaviors--even if we love that person with all of our hearts--We can only control our own. It's a disease that may, at first need the limit-setting of significant people (the husband/wife, the "boss"). I'm not talking about enabling the person by ignoring their behaviors--but rather by being a loving friend, parent, child, employer in saying to the addicted person in our lives: "You go take care of yourself or I need to stop/limit my contact with you...I cannot stand by and watch you kill yourself!"
And those of us who work with the addicted and their families feel this way: "Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself." Addiction is a strong foe, but many, many people have put their disease in remission and lived to help others. Now, that's what I'm talking about! Any questions?
It's a disease of the brain. Here are some reasons that we know it is a disease: 1. It is chronic, progressive, and deadly. 2. We have SPEC-scans that prove that the brains of the afflicted are damaged. 3. Tolerance (or needing more and more to get the same effect) for the person who is dealing with this disease shows that something has changed in the brain. 4. Withdrawal, or taking a drug or alcohol addicted person off the drugs or alcohol, will create strong physical symptoms such as the tremors (shaking) often seen in the alcoholic or the symptoms of the opioid-addicted person: vomiting, shaking, diarrhea, insomnia. If drug addiction/alcoholism was not a disease, would we be seeing these unpleasant, sometimes dangerous physical symptoms, once people stopped using?
Actually, even a study of identical twins, sons of an alcoholic father, separated at birth, found that both boys, one raised in an alcoholic home and one raised in a non-alcoholic home became addicted to alcohol. Studies have shown that the children of substance-abusers had a strong tendency, once introduced to the drug-of-choice, to become addicted. Theory has it that this disease is partly genetic; one may have inherited tendencies.
Perhaps, some folks don't know that setting limits is not the same as shaming people for what they have been unfortunate enough to have. Imagine stopping someone who is physically-challenged, saying, "You slacker! Get up and walk!" Being wheelchair-bound is not a person's fault, but some people take the challenge it presents and do something with it. Some people might stand on the street corner asking for handouts, while one friend of mine got her Master's Degree in social work and is attempting to help others.
Now, wait a minute! I'm not saying that people should not be responsible for themselves. I'm saying that "It's not the fault of an alcoholic or substance abusing person (and there are a lot of behavior-addictions too--like compulsive gambling, eating, sex-addiction, on line pornography, debting) that they have this disease; but (and here's the part that the alcoholic/addicted person has to do the work on) what is that person choosing do do about it?"
And, these days, there are groups and doctors and craving-medications and therapy that help the afflicted.
But, like the old saying, "You can bring a horse to water; but you can't make him drink."; the best the rest of us, if we are people who care about the addicted, can do---is to set limits with concern and stick to them: the husband or wife who says: "I'm not going to stay with you to watch you killing yourself" and then sticks to it; the employer who says, "Unless you get treatment and stay in remission with your alcohol/drug addiction, I'm going to need to let you go."
And, don't even get me started about 12-step meetings! What a group of good potential supports, a real "functional family," can be had, along with a drug/alcohol-free social life---for free, just by going to meetings. And the spiritual side of AA/NA/OA is profound and life-altering (not religious, but believing that alcohol/drugs are not your God, and you are not your God either....One can be an agnostic and being able to have what has been called, "Radical Acceptance," is a true life-gift, alcoholic, substance-abuser or not!)
Some of the dearest hearts I've met go to 12-step meetings to maintain their abstinence (being free of the chemical) and grow into sobriety (a way of thinking that helps maintain functional thinking and improves the quality of one's life, generally achieved by the taking of the 12-steps and a healthy amount of therapy.)
So, sorry for the lecture, but it seems so ridiculous to me that in this day and with all the information we have about addiction--that more people would "get" that this is a disease. Of course it makes us angry! Of course it frustrates us because, like the addicted person, we cannot control someone's behaviors--even if we love that person with all of our hearts--We can only control our own. It's a disease that may, at first need the limit-setting of significant people (the husband/wife, the "boss"). I'm not talking about enabling the person by ignoring their behaviors--but rather by being a loving friend, parent, child, employer in saying to the addicted person in our lives: "You go take care of yourself or I need to stop/limit my contact with you...I cannot stand by and watch you kill yourself!"
And those of us who work with the addicted and their families feel this way: "Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself." Addiction is a strong foe, but many, many people have put their disease in remission and lived to help others. Now, that's what I'm talking about! Any questions?
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Game Ain't Over Till It's Over
I think it was Yogi Berra who said, "The game ain't over till it's over." For me, these are defining words that I want to share with all of you. As young as my early-thirties, I began worrying about aging. Would I age like this Aunt or like this friend's mother? I happened across a book written by a beautiful "older" (Well, she was older, at 55, than I was, at 32!) gray-haired model, Kaylin Pickford. Kaylin had written a book, called "Always A Woman," and in it she put her musings and beautiful photographs of her dancing and traveling and reading and enjoying life.
I found her book so inspiring that whenever a woman-friend was having a birthday, I bought her a copy of Kaylin's book as a gift. The comments I got back were in the nature of: "Oh, sure, it's easy to be 'older' if you're thin and rich and beautiful!" So, I set out to collect a book of interviews with women who were not the typical model types.
I needed to know myself that I need not fear growing older; that I would have some years of joyous living to look forward to. I saw that, in our culture, being a woman "of age" was going to be a challenging proposition. I needed some role models so that I didn't have to believe that I would become less desirable, less interesting, less to-be-listened-to as I got older. I mean, I wanted to grow older and not just wither away.
I had occasion to interview Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Gray Panthers, when she was 70-something.
I still have the pictures. She was nobody's "little old lady"; she was a force to be reckoned with. I met an 80 year old actress in New York who had started her career, taking classes in her 60s; got some parts in her 70s; and made some films in her 80s. I interviewed women who were going back to school; women who were finding new love in their lives; women who had survived widowhood and breast cancer and were, despite thinking that their lives were over, were now flourishing.
I even interviewed Olympia Dukakis, who won the Academy-Award for Best Supporting Actress in the film, "Moonstruck." She was smart and quite the well-read feminist. (She gave me a reading list!) Actually, she was doing a film in Montreal and I interviewed her at brunch in her hotel. She had just finished her daily yoga routine and in person was a rather glamorous willowy blonde, not-at-all the boxy gray-headed lady (not that there's anything wrong with that) that she looks to be in films.
I guess I secretly felt that growing older would mean being less empowered; less interesting; less attractive.
Actually, I have found that it's just the opposite. I don't feel disempowered, uninteresting, unattractive--at all. And I've come to care less that others might see me in that way. I mean, I hate when somebody says, "at your age"--as much as a Jew might hate the stereotype of being cheap or a Polish person might hate the stereotype of being dumb. (And, by the way, I am both Jewish and Polish-American and am neither cheap or dumb!) What, exactly, does that mean: "at your age"?
For myself, in my sixties, I've moved across the country; traveled to several foreign countries; learned a bit of French; started a psychotherapy practice; am doing my internship in Hypnotherapy; made some wonderful friends; had some interesting relationships; my sons are launched and independent, living lives of their own; I've become a "Frequent Contributor" on Milwaukee Public Radio's Lake Effects Program, where I write and tape my pieces for airing on the radio---and I get to talk to you on this blog. Who says life is over for women "of a certain age"? For me, much of the time (and--hey, I have my days, just like anybody else), it feels (Okay, I said I wasn't always feeling on-top-of-the-world, didn't I?)--well, some days, anyway-- like it's just beginning.
I found her book so inspiring that whenever a woman-friend was having a birthday, I bought her a copy of Kaylin's book as a gift. The comments I got back were in the nature of: "Oh, sure, it's easy to be 'older' if you're thin and rich and beautiful!" So, I set out to collect a book of interviews with women who were not the typical model types.
I needed to know myself that I need not fear growing older; that I would have some years of joyous living to look forward to. I saw that, in our culture, being a woman "of age" was going to be a challenging proposition. I needed some role models so that I didn't have to believe that I would become less desirable, less interesting, less to-be-listened-to as I got older. I mean, I wanted to grow older and not just wither away.
I had occasion to interview Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Gray Panthers, when she was 70-something.
I still have the pictures. She was nobody's "little old lady"; she was a force to be reckoned with. I met an 80 year old actress in New York who had started her career, taking classes in her 60s; got some parts in her 70s; and made some films in her 80s. I interviewed women who were going back to school; women who were finding new love in their lives; women who had survived widowhood and breast cancer and were, despite thinking that their lives were over, were now flourishing.
I even interviewed Olympia Dukakis, who won the Academy-Award for Best Supporting Actress in the film, "Moonstruck." She was smart and quite the well-read feminist. (She gave me a reading list!) Actually, she was doing a film in Montreal and I interviewed her at brunch in her hotel. She had just finished her daily yoga routine and in person was a rather glamorous willowy blonde, not-at-all the boxy gray-headed lady (not that there's anything wrong with that) that she looks to be in films.
I guess I secretly felt that growing older would mean being less empowered; less interesting; less attractive.
Actually, I have found that it's just the opposite. I don't feel disempowered, uninteresting, unattractive--at all. And I've come to care less that others might see me in that way. I mean, I hate when somebody says, "at your age"--as much as a Jew might hate the stereotype of being cheap or a Polish person might hate the stereotype of being dumb. (And, by the way, I am both Jewish and Polish-American and am neither cheap or dumb!) What, exactly, does that mean: "at your age"?
For myself, in my sixties, I've moved across the country; traveled to several foreign countries; learned a bit of French; started a psychotherapy practice; am doing my internship in Hypnotherapy; made some wonderful friends; had some interesting relationships; my sons are launched and independent, living lives of their own; I've become a "Frequent Contributor" on Milwaukee Public Radio's Lake Effects Program, where I write and tape my pieces for airing on the radio---and I get to talk to you on this blog. Who says life is over for women "of a certain age"? For me, much of the time (and--hey, I have my days, just like anybody else), it feels (Okay, I said I wasn't always feeling on-top-of-the-world, didn't I?)--well, some days, anyway-- like it's just beginning.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Whenever You Feel Afraid...
Like most things in life, the immediate gratification or most immediately satisfying way of dealing with my fears is to avoid whatever I am afraid of. I find that the problem with this way of dealing with fear is that the more I avoid something I am afraid of, the more my fear grows. And it not only grows in terms of the specific thing I was afraid of, it grows in terms of becoming more fearful about different things. It may start with driving in the snow, but it may grow to not driving when it's gray outside, for fear of snow.
Now, I am not saying that some things are not to be feared. Surely, parachute-jumping in one's sixties can cause a host of problems and going into a known-to-be dangerous neighborhood after midnight may be just plain asking-for-trouble. But, there are some common fears that some people rationalize with "I'm just a homebody" or "I can't drive on the highway, because it's just too crowded" or "I don't fly because it's such a drag."
These kind of leaving-home, trying something new and exciting experiences are necessary so as not to limit our lives. I know, I told you about flying to France; but what you may not know is that years ago I had a flying phobia so bad that if I even saw a plane in the sky, it would occur to me that someday I'd have to take one and I'd be paralyzed with fear for at least the rest of the day!
The way I got over that fear was this. I flew and I flew and I flew again, until I forgot that I was afraid to fly. I came to just look forward to getting to where I was going and then I also looked forward to coming back home to my work and my friends and my routine again. And the thing that made me do this thing that I was afraid of was this thought: Will I be happier stuck in one place or visiting different places; having different experiences? Clearly the answer was the second choice.
Once, I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail with some friends. Little did I know that hiking can bring you to some pretty steep places. One thing I don't like is steep places. When I got to a place that was high-up and pretty steep, I said: "I can't do this. I have to go back." But my friends said: "If you go back, you could get lost & it could really be dangerous, whereas if you climb with us--and we'll help you up--you have a far greater chance of having a good time and being safe. I took the second alternative, because knowing my sense of direction, I surely would have gotten lost in the woods and been waiting till well after dark for someone to find me--if they ever did.
When I did a radio show in New York, I was scared to death! "Oh no, this is the Bigtime; I'm not half good enough," I thought. What I found is that I did just fine. In fact my fear served to keep me focused and excited about doing the show. Not only was it on the air in New York City; it was "live"!
As I think about it, most of the things I was most afraid of turned out to be the most gratifying things I've done in my life: getting married, having children, even getting divorced (I mean, who isn't afraid to get divorced--but if a marriage isn't working, isn't that the better choice?), traveling, moving to a new place, learning something I didn't think I could possibly be good at (Like French!), meeting new people, dating again after so many years of being married. These examples can be fraught with anticipatory anxiety--yet, fear, once conquered, can bring the most growth-producing, most natural rush of pride and spur us on to take even more risks.
Try something new; something you have to push yourself a little to do; see if it doesn't feel wonderful to have accomplished this new thing, to get out of your comfort zone---especially now, at this
point in life. Perhaps our lives need to get larger and larger, now, rather than smaller and smaller as we get to be women or men "of a certain age."
Sunday, January 22, 2012
It's So Nice To Have A Man Around the House
The neatest thing about my son, Dan, is that he's a guy. And like a lot of guys (and quite a few women too, but my sons are guys) he knows a lot about a lot of things. And he particularly knows a lot about the things I have a great deal of trouble with: fixing stuff, computers, cars. I went for a short visit to see him this weekend and love him as I do & enjoy seeing him as I do, my ticket to fly to Roanoke more than paid for itself!
You see, this little symbol kept lighting up on my dashboard. To me, it looked like an old-fashioned gas lamp.And, not knowing what it meant, I thought it meant a light was out in my car. But, Dan hopped on-line and looked it up; and it turns out I have to check my tire pressure. Really, I was picturing that as I drove home from the airport, a police officer would pull me over because my light was out. Turns out, it wasn't my light at all. Whew! What a relief!
I brought my computer, so we could continue speaking (except for you) on this blog. So, Dan took a look at my computer, and told me I hadn't updated my operating system. Truth is, I don't even know what an operating system is, and I find those update offers that pop-up all the time on my computer, well, irritating---so, I ignore them. Dan told me it only takes about a minute to update most things, though my operating system might take a little longer. And he proceeded to do it.
Then, he added a yoga program to my desktop. He's been doing yoga himself & I had asked him if he'd gone back to the gym to find a class. He said, he didn't really have time (He's doing a residency in Psychiatry--and they keep him pretty busy.)--so he found this program, I think it's kind of an APP, and he downloaded it and has been using it. Now, it looks like I'll be using it too.
I got, not only, those goodies when I visited Dan, but I got a potential job offer ("Maybe someday you can help me run my office"); and a little white lie--"Dan, your scale says I put on 5 lbs, do you think I did?" (He's usually pretty honest about these things) "No, Mom, that scale is off. If you even had coffee this morning, it'll put 5 pounds on you!"
Dan uses the TV and the computer in the background as white-noise. Meantime, he's really well-informed on sports, politics, Jungian psychotherapy, anthropology, mythology, art, Nobel Prize Winners, animal behaviors and interesting books and films, like the one he was reading: "Liespotting," which looks at body language in people.
He mentioned something to me to the effect that visiting him in Virginia can't be as exciting as visiting France (where his brother, my older son, Josh lives). And it isn't. Still, I came home inspired by all the ideas he shared, the things he showed me how to fix ("You can't be afraid of a tire-gauge mom, after all, fourteen-year-olds in shop-class can use them!")
Whenever I don't have somebody to fix things for me, I either have to find someone to do it and then pay him/her. Or, I have to learn to do things myself. I really hate having to take care of everything myself, but it does make me brave. I am forced to try new things, do things myself, brave driving in bad weather (Who said men had a handlehold on winter driving? But, I used to believe they did; always feeling safer if my husband took me places,than if I drove myself. Go figure.) I don't think I was safer. But being braver makes me feel pretty good about myself.
And I do like being brave. However, visiting Dan and being helped with a bunch of things did make me feel good in a different way--I felt very cared-for.
Remember Vinnie Barbarino, played by the young John Travolta on "The Welcome Back Kotter" television show back so long ago most of you won't remember...He used to say: "My mother was a saint."Well, maybe most sons don't go to those extremes to praise their mothers. Still, I highly recommend sons. Because, even if they don't live nearby, they are often there-for-you in ways nobody else can be. Daughters may share all kinds of personal matters with their moms. But, sons, they are dear in a very special care-taking way. And there is this Yiddish word that comes to mind: "Kvell": They are wonderful to kvell about, too.
*brag might be a fairly accurate translation
You see, this little symbol kept lighting up on my dashboard. To me, it looked like an old-fashioned gas lamp.And, not knowing what it meant, I thought it meant a light was out in my car. But, Dan hopped on-line and looked it up; and it turns out I have to check my tire pressure. Really, I was picturing that as I drove home from the airport, a police officer would pull me over because my light was out. Turns out, it wasn't my light at all. Whew! What a relief!
I brought my computer, so we could continue speaking (except for you) on this blog. So, Dan took a look at my computer, and told me I hadn't updated my operating system. Truth is, I don't even know what an operating system is, and I find those update offers that pop-up all the time on my computer, well, irritating---so, I ignore them. Dan told me it only takes about a minute to update most things, though my operating system might take a little longer. And he proceeded to do it.
Then, he added a yoga program to my desktop. He's been doing yoga himself & I had asked him if he'd gone back to the gym to find a class. He said, he didn't really have time (He's doing a residency in Psychiatry--and they keep him pretty busy.)--so he found this program, I think it's kind of an APP, and he downloaded it and has been using it. Now, it looks like I'll be using it too.
I got, not only, those goodies when I visited Dan, but I got a potential job offer ("Maybe someday you can help me run my office"); and a little white lie--"Dan, your scale says I put on 5 lbs, do you think I did?" (He's usually pretty honest about these things) "No, Mom, that scale is off. If you even had coffee this morning, it'll put 5 pounds on you!"
Dan uses the TV and the computer in the background as white-noise. Meantime, he's really well-informed on sports, politics, Jungian psychotherapy, anthropology, mythology, art, Nobel Prize Winners, animal behaviors and interesting books and films, like the one he was reading: "Liespotting," which looks at body language in people.
He mentioned something to me to the effect that visiting him in Virginia can't be as exciting as visiting France (where his brother, my older son, Josh lives). And it isn't. Still, I came home inspired by all the ideas he shared, the things he showed me how to fix ("You can't be afraid of a tire-gauge mom, after all, fourteen-year-olds in shop-class can use them!")
Whenever I don't have somebody to fix things for me, I either have to find someone to do it and then pay him/her. Or, I have to learn to do things myself. I really hate having to take care of everything myself, but it does make me brave. I am forced to try new things, do things myself, brave driving in bad weather (Who said men had a handlehold on winter driving? But, I used to believe they did; always feeling safer if my husband took me places,than if I drove myself. Go figure.) I don't think I was safer. But being braver makes me feel pretty good about myself.
And I do like being brave. However, visiting Dan and being helped with a bunch of things did make me feel good in a different way--I felt very cared-for.
Remember Vinnie Barbarino, played by the young John Travolta on "The Welcome Back Kotter" television show back so long ago most of you won't remember...He used to say: "My mother was a saint."Well, maybe most sons don't go to those extremes to praise their mothers. Still, I highly recommend sons. Because, even if they don't live nearby, they are often there-for-you in ways nobody else can be. Daughters may share all kinds of personal matters with their moms. But, sons, they are dear in a very special care-taking way. And there is this Yiddish word that comes to mind: "Kvell": They are wonderful to kvell about, too.
*brag might be a fairly accurate translation
Saturday, January 21, 2012
First the Pain....Then the Baby: Ennui Followed by A Life-Altering Intuition
Curiously, I find myself, feeling the feeling of boredom or restlessness.....That I can ever feel this way makes me curious, because I almost always have far too many things on my to-do list. I mean with a virtual laundry list of things to take care of; interests I'm pursuing; interests I'd like to be pursuing--how could I possibly have a moment of boredom? I think, then, about what has followed that feeling in my life in the past; what purpose could this ennui possibly serve in my life? I actually think that, for me, boredom leads to the birth of an idea, a project, an action that would never have happened without the painful boredom-feeling that kicked me in the back-side and forced me out of my comfort zone.
I can go through a period of time when I can identify a feeling of restlessness/boredom. But, it's tough to hang in there during a fallow period. I mean, we don't know that we're about to have a breakthrough: finally get into that "Practicing French"group; finally take that class we've been thinking of every time we get the mailer on Hypnotherapy; pull out those paints and brush and just start playing with them again; take some risks and meet some new people; learn how to do the Argentinian Tango; Do some volunteering on a cause that we find important.
I remember when I was a young mom, reading all the Isaac Bashevis Singer books I could get my hands on. One day, when I had this very feeling of ennui--kids off at school, then-husband at work-I had this inspiration: Why don't I write Isaac Bashevis Singer a letter? So, I sat down at my kitchen table and typed one out on my Sears Manual Typewriter (those antiquated machines where if you made a mistake you had to use "whiteout"to erase it, then backspace and type it over again.) In an impulse, I included my telephone number and that letter led to my meeting the Nobel Prize Winner and meeting him led to my being invited back and being invited back led to my writing a story about our meeting and writing a story led to it's being published in the New York Times and publishing that story led to many different opportunities for me.
It's like when I told my friend, "God opens one door and closes the other." And she replied: "Yeah, well what do you do while you're waiting in the hall?" That's the feeling I think I have when I am feeling like something is lacking in my life, but I don't yet know what it is. It's not something that's got a direction yet; it's just a vague feeling. Yet, if I look back, within hours, days, or even weeks, that feeling is followed by an action that relieves that feeling.
Almost everything I've accomplished: going back to school in my forties; doing a radio show; working at public television; writing some essays and articles; and accomplishing the things that I had to accomplish to have things to write about--all of these things came out of just that kind of feeling: A kind of an itchy, vague feeling of "something's missing---what could it be?"
For me, this feeling, which I absolutely despise while I'm having it, is almost always followed by a burst of energy and ideas. While I'm in it, of course, I have no idea (despite past experiences) that it will result in an action that may very well change the rest of my life. It's a lot like a birthing process: first the pain, then (oh, right, this is why I was having the pain!)---the baby.
I can go through a period of time when I can identify a feeling of restlessness/boredom. But, it's tough to hang in there during a fallow period. I mean, we don't know that we're about to have a breakthrough: finally get into that "Practicing French"group; finally take that class we've been thinking of every time we get the mailer on Hypnotherapy; pull out those paints and brush and just start playing with them again; take some risks and meet some new people; learn how to do the Argentinian Tango; Do some volunteering on a cause that we find important.
I remember when I was a young mom, reading all the Isaac Bashevis Singer books I could get my hands on. One day, when I had this very feeling of ennui--kids off at school, then-husband at work-I had this inspiration: Why don't I write Isaac Bashevis Singer a letter? So, I sat down at my kitchen table and typed one out on my Sears Manual Typewriter (those antiquated machines where if you made a mistake you had to use "whiteout"to erase it, then backspace and type it over again.) In an impulse, I included my telephone number and that letter led to my meeting the Nobel Prize Winner and meeting him led to my being invited back and being invited back led to my writing a story about our meeting and writing a story led to it's being published in the New York Times and publishing that story led to many different opportunities for me.
It's like when I told my friend, "God opens one door and closes the other." And she replied: "Yeah, well what do you do while you're waiting in the hall?" That's the feeling I think I have when I am feeling like something is lacking in my life, but I don't yet know what it is. It's not something that's got a direction yet; it's just a vague feeling. Yet, if I look back, within hours, days, or even weeks, that feeling is followed by an action that relieves that feeling.
Almost everything I've accomplished: going back to school in my forties; doing a radio show; working at public television; writing some essays and articles; and accomplishing the things that I had to accomplish to have things to write about--all of these things came out of just that kind of feeling: A kind of an itchy, vague feeling of "something's missing---what could it be?"
For me, this feeling, which I absolutely despise while I'm having it, is almost always followed by a burst of energy and ideas. While I'm in it, of course, I have no idea (despite past experiences) that it will result in an action that may very well change the rest of my life. It's a lot like a birthing process: first the pain, then (oh, right, this is why I was having the pain!)---the baby.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Dating in My Sixties, There Are No Words...(Well, Maybe A Few)
Of all things I expected in my life, I never expected to be single in my sixties. However, it's given me lots to think about, in terms of relationships. The basic way a person meets another person in this internet-world, is by putting your profile on-line on one of those dating websites.
I have had some interesting experiences on dating websites. I haven't had many periods where nobody was interested. In fact, some guys I have gotten a "hit" (I think that's the lingo) from, are surprisingly young. I didn't really take those "hits" seriously, because what could they have wanted with me? Practice? Now, perhaps there are some women "of a certain age" who don't mind being Practice for a guy. I, however, am not one of those women.Then, there are the guys who either post a picture taken ten-twenty years ago or one that makes him look unwashed and overfed. (I mean, none of us is perfect, but don't you, at least, want to take the time to provide a pleasant-enough-looking/well-groomed photo of yourself---After all, what might the get-it-over-with picture & profile imply about your lovemaking technique?)
I have learned from therapist-friends (I am a therapist too, which doesn't make me immune from having my own "stuff" as people call their "issues" these days!) that some people are just good writers or they take a good photograph or they put a photo on-line which is really their daughter ("But, we look exactly alike!") and then they are amazed that you feel "tricked." My one therapist-friend says she finds many of the people who say they are available for a relationship--are not-at-all--available. They will engage a person; maybe meet her/him or exchange a series of fascinating e-mails or both--and, then, mysteriously disappear. Go, figure. I mean, we're not even talking sex, here.
I have had a number of mysterious episodes myself. There was one guy who was movie-star good-looking, but he was not very giving (well, not to me, anyway). After any number of homecooked meals at my place, complete with leftovers to take home for him and his dog; he asked me to repay him the $10.00 it cost him for a headlight he replaced for me. (At least he didn't add a service charge!) Another guy (and I really liked this guy!) made a lot of promises--so many, that my head was spinning. Next thing I knew, I got an e-mail from him telling me it-was-over & he was already dating somebody else. "What just happened? Who was that masked man?" I said to myself. How did I end up dancing this dance with him?
Then there were people where we didn't have the "click." You know what I mean? Either you have the "click" or you don't. Although, the longest relationship I've had with anybody I met on-line was six months and I didn't get "the click" when we first met, at all. It developed later. But, over time, that didn't work out because he had the C.O.M.-syndrome. Cranky Old Man, I call it, where somebody takes their stomach indigestion or plain old bad moods out on you with constant complaining and general crankiness.
And then there are people who advertise that they are "generous," "kind," "faithful" and "patient." I met a
guy like this recently. Advertising himself as "a patient man," after a series of back and forth e-mails and a couple of telephone conversations, he drove all the way from Michigan in this winter weather to meet. However, when I did not want to pick him (Surprise! He was a total stranger! Hell-oooo?) up at his motel (I didn't ask him to, but he stayed overnight, not wanting to make the long drive home); he thought I was being "bitchy." Maybe he was thinking we had some kind of unwritten contract, one I never agreed to, that I would be joining him at his motel?
One guy-friend of mine said, "Watch out for don'tbedesperate.com; they attract a lot of people who are just looking for sex." He also cautioned, "And never answer anybody who doesn't provide a photograph. He's just a married guy who doesn't want his wife's friends to see him fishing for "girls" on a dating site.
If I look at my own father, who I adored, he was a wonderful person and a brilliant businessman, but he quit school in his junior year of high school. Thus, he could never spell. But, he was a sweetheart! Would I have answered somebody like that, on-line? And my therapist-friend who is in a long-time happy marriage told me: "Alan (her husband) and I never would have met if we had to meet on a website. He's a quiet, intellectual, trueblue kind of guy (lucky her!), not formally educated and not one of those big-bucks, braggadocio kind of guys."
So, there it is, girls and guys "of a certain age": my brief experiences with dating on-line. The hardest part is that it probably works out one of three ways: 1. You don't like him, but he likes you. You hurt his feelings by sending him a cowardly e-mail that it's "not a good fit for you." 2. You like him, but he doesn't like you. He hurts your feelings by never calling you, though he said he would, and you cleared your whole weekend. Or 3. It's a "click" that keeps on "clicking": You both like each other. Hey, I think it was Einstein--or maybe it was Woody Allen (okay, again, Woody Allen!)--who said, "99% of succeeding at anything is in just showing up." There may be great rewards in on-line dating; but, like life in general, you've got to get through the tough parts. Don't you just hate that about dating? Don't you hate that about life? Nobody properly warned us.
I have had some interesting experiences on dating websites. I haven't had many periods where nobody was interested. In fact, some guys I have gotten a "hit" (I think that's the lingo) from, are surprisingly young. I didn't really take those "hits" seriously, because what could they have wanted with me? Practice? Now, perhaps there are some women "of a certain age" who don't mind being Practice for a guy. I, however, am not one of those women.Then, there are the guys who either post a picture taken ten-twenty years ago or one that makes him look unwashed and overfed. (I mean, none of us is perfect, but don't you, at least, want to take the time to provide a pleasant-enough-looking/well-groomed photo of yourself---After all, what might the get-it-over-with picture & profile imply about your lovemaking technique?)
I have learned from therapist-friends (I am a therapist too, which doesn't make me immune from having my own "stuff" as people call their "issues" these days!) that some people are just good writers or they take a good photograph or they put a photo on-line which is really their daughter ("But, we look exactly alike!") and then they are amazed that you feel "tricked." My one therapist-friend says she finds many of the people who say they are available for a relationship--are not-at-all--available. They will engage a person; maybe meet her/him or exchange a series of fascinating e-mails or both--and, then, mysteriously disappear. Go, figure. I mean, we're not even talking sex, here.
I have had a number of mysterious episodes myself. There was one guy who was movie-star good-looking, but he was not very giving (well, not to me, anyway). After any number of homecooked meals at my place, complete with leftovers to take home for him and his dog; he asked me to repay him the $10.00 it cost him for a headlight he replaced for me. (At least he didn't add a service charge!) Another guy (and I really liked this guy!) made a lot of promises--so many, that my head was spinning. Next thing I knew, I got an e-mail from him telling me it-was-over & he was already dating somebody else. "What just happened? Who was that masked man?" I said to myself. How did I end up dancing this dance with him?
Then there were people where we didn't have the "click." You know what I mean? Either you have the "click" or you don't. Although, the longest relationship I've had with anybody I met on-line was six months and I didn't get "the click" when we first met, at all. It developed later. But, over time, that didn't work out because he had the C.O.M.-syndrome. Cranky Old Man, I call it, where somebody takes their stomach indigestion or plain old bad moods out on you with constant complaining and general crankiness.
And then there are people who advertise that they are "generous," "kind," "faithful" and "patient." I met a
guy like this recently. Advertising himself as "a patient man," after a series of back and forth e-mails and a couple of telephone conversations, he drove all the way from Michigan in this winter weather to meet. However, when I did not want to pick him (Surprise! He was a total stranger! Hell-oooo?) up at his motel (I didn't ask him to, but he stayed overnight, not wanting to make the long drive home); he thought I was being "bitchy." Maybe he was thinking we had some kind of unwritten contract, one I never agreed to, that I would be joining him at his motel?
One guy-friend of mine said, "Watch out for don'tbedesperate.com; they attract a lot of people who are just looking for sex." He also cautioned, "And never answer anybody who doesn't provide a photograph. He's just a married guy who doesn't want his wife's friends to see him fishing for "girls" on a dating site.
If I look at my own father, who I adored, he was a wonderful person and a brilliant businessman, but he quit school in his junior year of high school. Thus, he could never spell. But, he was a sweetheart! Would I have answered somebody like that, on-line? And my therapist-friend who is in a long-time happy marriage told me: "Alan (her husband) and I never would have met if we had to meet on a website. He's a quiet, intellectual, trueblue kind of guy (lucky her!), not formally educated and not one of those big-bucks, braggadocio kind of guys."
So, there it is, girls and guys "of a certain age": my brief experiences with dating on-line. The hardest part is that it probably works out one of three ways: 1. You don't like him, but he likes you. You hurt his feelings by sending him a cowardly e-mail that it's "not a good fit for you." 2. You like him, but he doesn't like you. He hurts your feelings by never calling you, though he said he would, and you cleared your whole weekend. Or 3. It's a "click" that keeps on "clicking": You both like each other. Hey, I think it was Einstein--or maybe it was Woody Allen (okay, again, Woody Allen!)--who said, "99% of succeeding at anything is in just showing up." There may be great rewards in on-line dating; but, like life in general, you've got to get through the tough parts. Don't you just hate that about dating? Don't you hate that about life? Nobody properly warned us.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
You Are Getting Sleepy? Hardly.
I do Wellness Hypnotherapy both in my Hypnotherapy Internship training, as a subject, and I do it with my clients as a Wellness Hypnotherapist. So, I've learned a thing or two about my own "trances." Actually, the way I see it, Hypnotherapy helps us to "snap out of" the trances we chose to put ourselves in long ago. Trances like "I'm-Not-Good-Enough" or "I-Am-Nothing-Without-A-Partner" or "I'm-Too-Dumb/Unattractive"or, probably the most frequent trances: "I-Can't-Take-Feeling-This" and "I-Am-A-Victim."
Now, it's not that these "trances" were set in place for nothing. There was a reason in our pasts we developed these defenses. We made decisions that these were the ways we could survive some of our more
vulnerable feelings and life-moments. And those might have been the very decisions that brought us through some very difficult times. The question is, as Dr. Phil might say, "How's that workin' for ya'?" I would only add: "How's that workin' for ya, now?"
Truth be told, it may be that very trance that saved our life back-when, is the trance that, today, is keeping us from moving ahead in relationships, in our work, in our dreams-not-yet realized. Often the trances we are in may have to do with not feeling, staying numb. And, of course, if we don't feel; are we really in our lives at all? And, if we're not in our lives, aren't the people in our lives: our partners, our children, our friends, lonely? Ever been with someone who comes home, but isn't really there? I'm told it's worse than being alone.
It isn't just alcohol, marijuana, over or under-eating, relationships, gambling, debting, cocaine, heroin, money, overwork or pills that put us into a state of apathy (and atrophy--use it or lose it. If we don't learn to cope by practicing; doing it again and again--we may just stay frozen in apathy) and if we do that we are not living courageously. It might be said we are in a state of suspended animation: not feeling, so that we won't be hurt. But, if we can't feel pain; we are numbing life's pleasures, too.
Is there a block in our lives? I believe for most of us, there is one or another block. Why not move it aside and then see if our lives improve? Hypnotherapy isn't the thing you see in shows: "You will act like a chicken." or "You think you're five years old." No, Hypnotherapy is a healing method that opens up the subconscious to re-make decisions we made long ago. Picture 40 bites/regular therapy vs. 40 billion bites/Hypnotherapy. It may not be instant, but it doesn't take a long time to make useful realizations about what therapist call our "projections."
Like a blank movie screen and a movie projector. There is nothing on the screen but what's being projected by that film machine you see at the back of the theatre. Just like the projector and the screen, perhaps the person who annoys you is really simply triggering a significant experience you had long ago--or maybe even not-so-long-ago.
I do, in my work as a therapist, Hypnotherapy. I find, however, that many people are afraid of Hypnotherapy because they misunderstand it. It's simply focused attention that allows us to concentrate and remember more accurately our past experiences. And in doing so, we can understand where our old decisions (the ones that aren't serving us now) came from. And, then, we can consciously choose to change those decisions: Am I still a victim? Don't I want to attract people into my life who are not reactive, but proactive? How will I do that if I believe I am a Victim-- a Victim is reactive.
How? By waking up from the Victim trance and seeing ourselves differently, behaving differently---and finding we get different results. Are you getting sleepy? Maybe for an hour, but then, there' s waking up to the rest of your life. Not a life that's happening to you; but, one in which you have chosen to be an active participant, attracting more of what you want in your life. We've been asleep is the thing. And now we can choose to live more consciously--Be more alive. Hardly, like listening to someone else control us. In fact, just the opposite. Instead of being asleep throughout our lives, we can choose to be awake.
Now, it's not that these "trances" were set in place for nothing. There was a reason in our pasts we developed these defenses. We made decisions that these were the ways we could survive some of our more
vulnerable feelings and life-moments. And those might have been the very decisions that brought us through some very difficult times. The question is, as Dr. Phil might say, "How's that workin' for ya'?" I would only add: "How's that workin' for ya, now?"
Truth be told, it may be that very trance that saved our life back-when, is the trance that, today, is keeping us from moving ahead in relationships, in our work, in our dreams-not-yet realized. Often the trances we are in may have to do with not feeling, staying numb. And, of course, if we don't feel; are we really in our lives at all? And, if we're not in our lives, aren't the people in our lives: our partners, our children, our friends, lonely? Ever been with someone who comes home, but isn't really there? I'm told it's worse than being alone.
It isn't just alcohol, marijuana, over or under-eating, relationships, gambling, debting, cocaine, heroin, money, overwork or pills that put us into a state of apathy (and atrophy--use it or lose it. If we don't learn to cope by practicing; doing it again and again--we may just stay frozen in apathy) and if we do that we are not living courageously. It might be said we are in a state of suspended animation: not feeling, so that we won't be hurt. But, if we can't feel pain; we are numbing life's pleasures, too.
Is there a block in our lives? I believe for most of us, there is one or another block. Why not move it aside and then see if our lives improve? Hypnotherapy isn't the thing you see in shows: "You will act like a chicken." or "You think you're five years old." No, Hypnotherapy is a healing method that opens up the subconscious to re-make decisions we made long ago. Picture 40 bites/regular therapy vs. 40 billion bites/Hypnotherapy. It may not be instant, but it doesn't take a long time to make useful realizations about what therapist call our "projections."
Like a blank movie screen and a movie projector. There is nothing on the screen but what's being projected by that film machine you see at the back of the theatre. Just like the projector and the screen, perhaps the person who annoys you is really simply triggering a significant experience you had long ago--or maybe even not-so-long-ago.
I do, in my work as a therapist, Hypnotherapy. I find, however, that many people are afraid of Hypnotherapy because they misunderstand it. It's simply focused attention that allows us to concentrate and remember more accurately our past experiences. And in doing so, we can understand where our old decisions (the ones that aren't serving us now) came from. And, then, we can consciously choose to change those decisions: Am I still a victim? Don't I want to attract people into my life who are not reactive, but proactive? How will I do that if I believe I am a Victim-- a Victim is reactive.
How? By waking up from the Victim trance and seeing ourselves differently, behaving differently---and finding we get different results. Are you getting sleepy? Maybe for an hour, but then, there' s waking up to the rest of your life. Not a life that's happening to you; but, one in which you have chosen to be an active participant, attracting more of what you want in your life. We've been asleep is the thing. And now we can choose to live more consciously--Be more alive. Hardly, like listening to someone else control us. In fact, just the opposite. Instead of being asleep throughout our lives, we can choose to be awake.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Ode to Practically Perfect and The Guest House
I had a meltdown last weekend,
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.
This life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom;
where another guest (who got up earlier) has clogged up the toilet
and the shower is already cold.
It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you get there--
(You should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed
for you.
And, here, you were almost beginning to get the hang of things,
And you wish you could just stay awhile longer, even if you had
to weather another good ol' meltdown.
Just last weekend, to me, my finest hours seemed
over; I just knew that anything good for me in this life was finished.
that I would never again hear love's sweet call,
never create anything at all,
never see the fruits of my lifelong labors.
How can it be that I am in my sixties,
and sometimes feeling Invisible if no Other exists,
for me.
And, then, of course it happened.
Just when I was ready to say: "Oh, take me, already: There is nothing
more here, for me, on this planet."
Just when I knew my life was over, my friend called:
She-knows-this-guy-she-thinks-is-Perfect-For-Me.
And I looked him up on a website: don'tgiveup.com.
Sure enough, he might be perfect. Or Perfect Enough.
So, we were supposed to meet at a coffee shop (where else?),
but the coffee shop was closed, so we met at the sportsbar next door.
I got there first and I ordered a glass of wine,
And then I looked up at the clock--11 in the morning!!
These meetings make me nervous, even if I don't really know if I'll like the guy.
I wondered if he thought I was a boozer, just because I forgot the time
and ordered a big glass of wine.
He didn't seem to notice though. "Coffee," he told the waitress with authority.
So we talked for a while and then took a walk and said we'd meet again.
And he writes. We've been writing e-mails ever since.
And I'd like to tell you that meeting Practically Perfect doesn't make any difference.
But, I'd be lying.Though, maybe it's the "rush" of new-love I'm looking for.
Somehow, a part of me believes I've been born to find the
Other Half of my soul (whether or not Pretty-Perfect is that).
That, in doing that, I will have fulfilled my earthly mission.
So, even the possibility that he (the guy my friend thinks will be Perfect) is Him,
is all I really need.
That, and that my sons are good.
You can take me then, Spirit.
Of course, that's just when I won't want to go anyplace.
Just stay right here, taking it all in.
Just give me this one-more-time, oh Spirit!
One more try at being and finding The Right One.
No more pretending that those ones who are wrong are right.
I think, if I could find that, I might never have a meltdown again.
Oh wait! If I were sick or couldn't write or lost somebody dear,
I would be in Meltdown again, would I not?
Even with Practically Perfect at my side, stroking my hair or holding my hand.
I had a meltdown last weekend,
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.
Yes, this life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom,
where another guest has clogged up the toilet and the shower is cold.
It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you arrive.
(You knew you should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed for you.
And, here, you were just beginning to get the hang of it all.
And you wish you could stay awhile longer, believing Mr.Perfect could unpack your
bags and put your things away, giving you a longer and so very much more enjoyable stay.
Or, maybe, you'd unpack your own bags and see in the mirror, that Mr.Perfect was actually
a part of you all the time.
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.
This life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom;
where another guest (who got up earlier) has clogged up the toilet
and the shower is already cold.
It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you get there--
(You should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed
for you.
And, here, you were almost beginning to get the hang of things,
And you wish you could just stay awhile longer, even if you had
to weather another good ol' meltdown.
Just last weekend, to me, my finest hours seemed
over; I just knew that anything good for me in this life was finished.
that I would never again hear love's sweet call,
never create anything at all,
never see the fruits of my lifelong labors.
How can it be that I am in my sixties,
and sometimes feeling Invisible if no Other exists,
for me.
And, then, of course it happened.
Just when I was ready to say: "Oh, take me, already: There is nothing
more here, for me, on this planet."
Just when I knew my life was over, my friend called:
She-knows-this-guy-she-thinks-is-Perfect-For-Me.
And I looked him up on a website: don'tgiveup.com.
Sure enough, he might be perfect. Or Perfect Enough.
So, we were supposed to meet at a coffee shop (where else?),
but the coffee shop was closed, so we met at the sportsbar next door.
I got there first and I ordered a glass of wine,
And then I looked up at the clock--11 in the morning!!
These meetings make me nervous, even if I don't really know if I'll like the guy.
I wondered if he thought I was a boozer, just because I forgot the time
and ordered a big glass of wine.
He didn't seem to notice though. "Coffee," he told the waitress with authority.
So we talked for a while and then took a walk and said we'd meet again.
And he writes. We've been writing e-mails ever since.
And I'd like to tell you that meeting Practically Perfect doesn't make any difference.
But, I'd be lying.Though, maybe it's the "rush" of new-love I'm looking for.
Somehow, a part of me believes I've been born to find the
Other Half of my soul (whether or not Pretty-Perfect is that).
That, in doing that, I will have fulfilled my earthly mission.
So, even the possibility that he (the guy my friend thinks will be Perfect) is Him,
is all I really need.
That, and that my sons are good.
You can take me then, Spirit.
Of course, that's just when I won't want to go anyplace.
Just stay right here, taking it all in.
Just give me this one-more-time, oh Spirit!
One more try at being and finding The Right One.
No more pretending that those ones who are wrong are right.
I think, if I could find that, I might never have a meltdown again.
Oh wait! If I were sick or couldn't write or lost somebody dear,
I would be in Meltdown again, would I not?
Even with Practically Perfect at my side, stroking my hair or holding my hand.
I had a meltdown last weekend,
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.
Yes, this life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom,
where another guest has clogged up the toilet and the shower is cold.
It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you arrive.
(You knew you should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed for you.
And, here, you were just beginning to get the hang of it all.
And you wish you could stay awhile longer, believing Mr.Perfect could unpack your
bags and put your things away, giving you a longer and so very much more enjoyable stay.
Or, maybe, you'd unpack your own bags and see in the mirror, that Mr.Perfect was actually
a part of you all the time.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Stuck in The Snow: Or, Do You Know Any New Soup Recipes?
All I can say is, thank God I'm not suicidal, this being another snowy Wisconsin inside-by-choice-and-will-to-live day.* Serial days of isolation can make a person, who might otherwise be cuddling with a partner or cooking with a buddy, pretty blue. As usual, when it snows, I take to my comfort food-making. And, just at that time, I was making a new recipe for split pea soup.
But, then, how many soup recipes do I know? I mean I actually own the bible---the Soup Recipe Bible, that is. Will I need to stay in isolation forever? Although, I wasn't completely cut off from communication. I did get a hilarious e-mail from a favorite cousin likening her job interview to the dreaded "blind date," only, she said, you don't have to wear your silk stockings or Miss America outfit.
Not only did Judy's e-mail give me a giggle; it reminded me of a man I had recently been dating. A nice man. A handsome man. But, for undisclosed reasons this coupling would not have worked for me.
Okay, I'll disclose them.....And, sure enough, just as I was thinking about Dick (no, really, his name was Dick), he texted me. His text said that he felt misunderstood and thought we should talk (I had broken up with him after a series of "Drink and Dials," that solidified my feeling he drank too much for me. Every one of our six months of dates was in one or another of his favorite bars.)
Well, hating to hurt a person's feelings (and, believe me, I've had mine hurt before!) I wrote a long-winded and emotional-sounding apologetic text to him in response. Something about-- it was no reflection on him. Actually, it was a reflection on him, but hadn't I retired from the business of changing a potential mate? This would be like a busman's holiday for me, since in my day job, though I like to think of it as a "calling," I am a psychotherapist and alcohol/drug counselor.
The fun part came a moment or two later, when he texted me again: "Elaine, I think you are a really lovely woman and, if the relationship with you and Bob doesn't work out, I'd like to see you again."
Well! Elaine? So, he has a list of potential women companions! I blushed at my serious No-Reflection-On-You text that he and the guys at whatever bar he was at were probably now howling over. I lowered the heat on my soup and sent his text back to him, with a note: "I think you meant this for someone else."
In no time, I got a defensive text response from him; "Elaine is just a friend of mine! I was having a drink with my buddy George in her neighborhood, and I thought I'd ask her to join us!" I shot back, "Well, if she joins you, what's she gonna do with Bob?"
I could just see D. on a barstool, having shots with his buddies and watching the Packers, as Wisconsinites do. At least, now, they could chuckle, not at my unsuspecting nature, but at him: "Busted! ***hole! You're buying!" I just, as the texters say---and I find it rather annoying (don't you?)--could Laugh Out Loud thinking about all of it.
And so, I just poured myself a glass of Sparkling Organic Pear and started my marathon viewing of Netfliks' Allie MacBeal, the old TV show. I find that sometimes being alone can be being in pretty good company, especially when I treat myself well. I mean, I love Chickflicks, but what guy is going to put up with a full afternoon (and possible evening) of them? And my split pea soup with chicken sausage made a delightful dinner.
*Wisconsinites say: "The Four Seasons of winter are: 1.Almost Winter ; 2. Winter ; 3. Still Winter ; and 4. Road Construction.
But, then, how many soup recipes do I know? I mean I actually own the bible---the Soup Recipe Bible, that is. Will I need to stay in isolation forever? Although, I wasn't completely cut off from communication. I did get a hilarious e-mail from a favorite cousin likening her job interview to the dreaded "blind date," only, she said, you don't have to wear your silk stockings or Miss America outfit.
Not only did Judy's e-mail give me a giggle; it reminded me of a man I had recently been dating. A nice man. A handsome man. But, for undisclosed reasons this coupling would not have worked for me.
Okay, I'll disclose them.....And, sure enough, just as I was thinking about Dick (no, really, his name was Dick), he texted me. His text said that he felt misunderstood and thought we should talk (I had broken up with him after a series of "Drink and Dials," that solidified my feeling he drank too much for me. Every one of our six months of dates was in one or another of his favorite bars.)
Well, hating to hurt a person's feelings (and, believe me, I've had mine hurt before!) I wrote a long-winded and emotional-sounding apologetic text to him in response. Something about-- it was no reflection on him. Actually, it was a reflection on him, but hadn't I retired from the business of changing a potential mate? This would be like a busman's holiday for me, since in my day job, though I like to think of it as a "calling," I am a psychotherapist and alcohol/drug counselor.
The fun part came a moment or two later, when he texted me again: "Elaine, I think you are a really lovely woman and, if the relationship with you and Bob doesn't work out, I'd like to see you again."
Well! Elaine? So, he has a list of potential women companions! I blushed at my serious No-Reflection-On-You text that he and the guys at whatever bar he was at were probably now howling over. I lowered the heat on my soup and sent his text back to him, with a note: "I think you meant this for someone else."
In no time, I got a defensive text response from him; "Elaine is just a friend of mine! I was having a drink with my buddy George in her neighborhood, and I thought I'd ask her to join us!" I shot back, "Well, if she joins you, what's she gonna do with Bob?"
I could just see D. on a barstool, having shots with his buddies and watching the Packers, as Wisconsinites do. At least, now, they could chuckle, not at my unsuspecting nature, but at him: "Busted! ***hole! You're buying!" I just, as the texters say---and I find it rather annoying (don't you?)--could Laugh Out Loud thinking about all of it.
And so, I just poured myself a glass of Sparkling Organic Pear and started my marathon viewing of Netfliks' Allie MacBeal, the old TV show. I find that sometimes being alone can be being in pretty good company, especially when I treat myself well. I mean, I love Chickflicks, but what guy is going to put up with a full afternoon (and possible evening) of them? And my split pea soup with chicken sausage made a delightful dinner.
*Wisconsinites say: "The Four Seasons of winter are: 1.Almost Winter ; 2. Winter ; 3. Still Winter ; and 4. Road Construction.
Monday, January 16, 2012
What? A Pattern In What I Attract to Myself?
How often we say to ourselves: "What bum luck!" or "Look at that, I attracted another unavailable guy/girl--Another wacky boss: Could this be my fate in life?" It seems that (and I could be looking in the mirror, here, myself, as I talk to you!) like attracts like. No, really! I actually think that physics has a theory about this---though I don't claim to understand the physics part.
If I perceive myself as a victim, it is no coincidence that I will attract either fellow victims or victimizers. Perhaps we send off a "vibe" that says "kick me" and someone with the same vibe or with the "kick her" vibe picks up the vibration and proceeds either join the whine-fest or to give us something to whine about.
Gandhi said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world" ; and, lately, we keep hearing a lot about "The Law of Attraction." Remember that guy in the Student Center at school who thought he was pretty special? The one who got a lot of female attention? You may have said to yourself : "What does he have? He isn't particularly funny or clever or, even, attractive--yet, he seems to have constant female companionship.
I guess they call it Confidence. Not the bragging, annoying, full-of-you-know-what kind of confidence, just a healthy sense of self-esteem. It's the opposite of neediness. It's more like: "I-like-myself-so-why-wouldn't you like me-too?" And "I don't need to prove anything. And, "I'm-wanting-this-job/girl-guy-but-I'll-have-other-opportunities-if-this-one-doesn't-turn-out-for-me." In short, "I'm-not-desperate."
There's an advantage to having good-enough parenting. But, there is also something we Hypnotherapists call "A Trance State." What this really means, is that at some time earlier in our lives, we made some decisions about who we were and how we needed to behave. These decisions may have been crucial to our childhoods, but they may not be working for us now.
So, how do we get out of this state of attracting the negative and start attracting the positive? I know, it's easier said than done. One way is to actually subconsciously go back to those good ol' days, that may not have been so good--and to remember them accurately. To remember how we came to think of ourselves the way we did, or how we developed the habits that are not serving us now, in our present lives.
Why do this? It's to help us look at the past, see its reasons, and then make conscious decisions about how to deal with the present. Are we behaving in healthy ways? Are we treating ourselves well? Are we taking the time we need to prepare healthy meals? Do some fun things in our lives? Try something new; something we've always been interested in? Trust our own instincts? (Not the impulse/habit driven messages inside, but the inner-voice/"higher self" kind of messages.)
This is why most healthy people come to therapy/hypnotherapy. They want to find out what's blocking them from achieving their goals. As Pogo, the political cartoon character, once said: "We has seen the enemy and he is us." Yes, we can be our own worst enemies; but, we can also be our own best friends. For me, it takes some substantial support from the outside: a sponsor; a nutritionist; a therapist; a mastermind group. I don't think it's so easy to change on one's own. I mean who's the worst person to develop a realistic food plan for a compulsive overeater (like myself, though I keep it in check with OA a day at a time)--certainly not me!
It takes a little courage to admit that, yes, we had problems in our childhoods; but who's causing/or at least not finding solutions to our problems now? My boss and the boss before him/her? My boy/girlfriend and the boy/girlfriend before him/her? It's those old messages that need some tweaking! If we keep looking at the outside world and saying: "Poor me! I get the short end of the stick all the time!"--that'll get us nowhere fast.
So, what's it gonna be: being reactive in my own life--or being proactive ? I know it's not easy and I've certainly been the "kick me" person at times in my life. But, I do feel like at least I'm working at more conscious, honest living--and, at least for me--that takes a lot of support. My support team consists of: my very Zen therapy-supervisor; my A.D.D. therapist (Yes, I have A.D.D. but that's another entry); my Hypnotherapy group (We snap one another out of our life-trances all the time!);my Mastermind group; my Twelve-Step (OA) sponsor; my A.D.D. psychiatrist (I believe in pharmacology and I take medication for my A.D.D. & don't know how I'd function without it!); my many wise friends, colleagues and family members.
Between this extensive support team and myself, I can usually figure out ways to handle-at least as best I can--life's challenges. That way I don't have to blame whatever's happening to me on you or on another innocent or not so innocent--but that's their problem--I can only work on mine--"victimizer." No, I'm not perfect & I sure slip up sometimes, but, at least, I'm working on it.....I guess that's about the best I can do right now. I do aspire to "Be the change (I) want to see in the world." And it takes a lot of outsiders to help, but it's really an inside job.
If I perceive myself as a victim, it is no coincidence that I will attract either fellow victims or victimizers. Perhaps we send off a "vibe" that says "kick me" and someone with the same vibe or with the "kick her" vibe picks up the vibration and proceeds either join the whine-fest or to give us something to whine about.
Gandhi said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world" ; and, lately, we keep hearing a lot about "The Law of Attraction." Remember that guy in the Student Center at school who thought he was pretty special? The one who got a lot of female attention? You may have said to yourself : "What does he have? He isn't particularly funny or clever or, even, attractive--yet, he seems to have constant female companionship.
I guess they call it Confidence. Not the bragging, annoying, full-of-you-know-what kind of confidence, just a healthy sense of self-esteem. It's the opposite of neediness. It's more like: "I-like-myself-so-why-wouldn't you like me-too?" And "I don't need to prove anything. And, "I'm-wanting-this-job/girl-guy-but-I'll-have-other-opportunities-if-this-one-doesn't-turn-out-for-me." In short, "I'm-not-desperate."
There's an advantage to having good-enough parenting. But, there is also something we Hypnotherapists call "A Trance State." What this really means, is that at some time earlier in our lives, we made some decisions about who we were and how we needed to behave. These decisions may have been crucial to our childhoods, but they may not be working for us now.
So, how do we get out of this state of attracting the negative and start attracting the positive? I know, it's easier said than done. One way is to actually subconsciously go back to those good ol' days, that may not have been so good--and to remember them accurately. To remember how we came to think of ourselves the way we did, or how we developed the habits that are not serving us now, in our present lives.
Why do this? It's to help us look at the past, see its reasons, and then make conscious decisions about how to deal with the present. Are we behaving in healthy ways? Are we treating ourselves well? Are we taking the time we need to prepare healthy meals? Do some fun things in our lives? Try something new; something we've always been interested in? Trust our own instincts? (Not the impulse/habit driven messages inside, but the inner-voice/"higher self" kind of messages.)
This is why most healthy people come to therapy/hypnotherapy. They want to find out what's blocking them from achieving their goals. As Pogo, the political cartoon character, once said: "We has seen the enemy and he is us." Yes, we can be our own worst enemies; but, we can also be our own best friends. For me, it takes some substantial support from the outside: a sponsor; a nutritionist; a therapist; a mastermind group. I don't think it's so easy to change on one's own. I mean who's the worst person to develop a realistic food plan for a compulsive overeater (like myself, though I keep it in check with OA a day at a time)--certainly not me!
It takes a little courage to admit that, yes, we had problems in our childhoods; but who's causing/or at least not finding solutions to our problems now? My boss and the boss before him/her? My boy/girlfriend and the boy/girlfriend before him/her? It's those old messages that need some tweaking! If we keep looking at the outside world and saying: "Poor me! I get the short end of the stick all the time!"--that'll get us nowhere fast.
So, what's it gonna be: being reactive in my own life--or being proactive ? I know it's not easy and I've certainly been the "kick me" person at times in my life. But, I do feel like at least I'm working at more conscious, honest living--and, at least for me--that takes a lot of support. My support team consists of: my very Zen therapy-supervisor; my A.D.D. therapist (Yes, I have A.D.D. but that's another entry); my Hypnotherapy group (We snap one another out of our life-trances all the time!);my Mastermind group; my Twelve-Step (OA) sponsor; my A.D.D. psychiatrist (I believe in pharmacology and I take medication for my A.D.D. & don't know how I'd function without it!); my many wise friends, colleagues and family members.
Between this extensive support team and myself, I can usually figure out ways to handle-at least as best I can--life's challenges. That way I don't have to blame whatever's happening to me on you or on another innocent or not so innocent--but that's their problem--I can only work on mine--"victimizer." No, I'm not perfect & I sure slip up sometimes, but, at least, I'm working on it.....I guess that's about the best I can do right now. I do aspire to "Be the change (I) want to see in the world." And it takes a lot of outsiders to help, but it's really an inside job.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
"Keep Busy, Dolly," Daddy Always Told Me
You know that old Woody Allen (Yes, him again!) quote that goes something like, "All the things our parents told us were good for us were really bad---red meat, sunshine, college." Well, our parents may have been wrong about some things, but they weren't wrong about everything! I remember my father's old adage: "Keep busy, Dolly" (He used to call me and my sister "Dolly.")
Whenever I heard him say this, I would think to myself: "Poor Dad. He thinks busy-ness is the most important thing in life. Maybe he needs something more meaningful in his life." Actually, my dad was a genius at business and busy-ness too. And as I get older, I think about what he meant when he said those words.
I do find, when my time isn't structured and/or I'm not as productive, I have a tendency to take my emotional temperature more often: How am I feeling now? And now? How about now? This is not a good thing for me; I tend to accentuate the negative when I do this and underestimate the positive.
Too much time on my hands, for me, generally means there are things I am avoiding that, like them or not, must be done. And I find when I can accomplish something that makes my work a little easier, my desk a little cleaner, my bills a little paid-er--I feel pretty good about that. These tasks are not going to win me the Nobel Prize or put me on the cover of Time Magazine; but, when I clean the clutter of my life, I have more room for the fun and the creative.
Without the messy stuff that seems to take up so much time, I have more time to be in the now of my life. Ekhardt Tolle proposes that this is all we really have in life: The Now. Too often, I know, I can get caught up in re-living or regretting the past or I can focus on worrying about a future that may never turn out that way at all. After not living the moment that has now passed, I might, again, now in another Present Moment, be focused on the moment I was just not in--thus, never really living in my life at all.
Those of us, like me, who aren't naturally inclined to the organizational, need tools-- and here are some of mine. A dirty little secret? I don't think so....I have an organizer. Yup, an actual person, who has developed that part of her brain that I, somehow, have not. She comes over, maybe once or twice a month and helps me file the files; gather the little receipts that will become my tax deductions; makes sure my bills are paid and I haven't missed any checks made out to me in the mail. All my bills, my junk mail, and my gazillion Veronica's Secret Catalogs are often dumped in a large laundry basket of papers I've accumulated by the time my organizer gets here.
Another tool I have used lately is called the "Mastermind Group." It's one or more people that chat or get together on a regular basis to focus only on their goals and on the steps we are each taking to achieve those goals. This really works! It helps me to realize and refine goals I have in my life, see where I am taking small steps in my life, and when I do not take steps towards the goals I say I want--to look at: 1. What might be standing in the way? 2. How I can make that step more do-able? or 3. Do I really want to manifest that goal?
I find that, yes, there are losses in life, as one grows older. But one thing I find I do gain is wisdom. No, I don't know everything; but experience can sometimes be a pretty reliable teacher. These days when some young people (and older people can do this too!) come across as if they know everything, I think of the saying that goes: "I'm too old to know everything." I guess when I didn't "get" my father's advice I was one of those young people. Now, I get it, Dad. Now, I get it.
Whenever I heard him say this, I would think to myself: "Poor Dad. He thinks busy-ness is the most important thing in life. Maybe he needs something more meaningful in his life." Actually, my dad was a genius at business and busy-ness too. And as I get older, I think about what he meant when he said those words.
I do find, when my time isn't structured and/or I'm not as productive, I have a tendency to take my emotional temperature more often: How am I feeling now? And now? How about now? This is not a good thing for me; I tend to accentuate the negative when I do this and underestimate the positive.
Too much time on my hands, for me, generally means there are things I am avoiding that, like them or not, must be done. And I find when I can accomplish something that makes my work a little easier, my desk a little cleaner, my bills a little paid-er--I feel pretty good about that. These tasks are not going to win me the Nobel Prize or put me on the cover of Time Magazine; but, when I clean the clutter of my life, I have more room for the fun and the creative.
Without the messy stuff that seems to take up so much time, I have more time to be in the now of my life. Ekhardt Tolle proposes that this is all we really have in life: The Now. Too often, I know, I can get caught up in re-living or regretting the past or I can focus on worrying about a future that may never turn out that way at all. After not living the moment that has now passed, I might, again, now in another Present Moment, be focused on the moment I was just not in--thus, never really living in my life at all.
Those of us, like me, who aren't naturally inclined to the organizational, need tools-- and here are some of mine. A dirty little secret? I don't think so....I have an organizer. Yup, an actual person, who has developed that part of her brain that I, somehow, have not. She comes over, maybe once or twice a month and helps me file the files; gather the little receipts that will become my tax deductions; makes sure my bills are paid and I haven't missed any checks made out to me in the mail. All my bills, my junk mail, and my gazillion Veronica's Secret Catalogs are often dumped in a large laundry basket of papers I've accumulated by the time my organizer gets here.
Another tool I have used lately is called the "Mastermind Group." It's one or more people that chat or get together on a regular basis to focus only on their goals and on the steps we are each taking to achieve those goals. This really works! It helps me to realize and refine goals I have in my life, see where I am taking small steps in my life, and when I do not take steps towards the goals I say I want--to look at: 1. What might be standing in the way? 2. How I can make that step more do-able? or 3. Do I really want to manifest that goal?
I find that, yes, there are losses in life, as one grows older. But one thing I find I do gain is wisdom. No, I don't know everything; but experience can sometimes be a pretty reliable teacher. These days when some young people (and older people can do this too!) come across as if they know everything, I think of the saying that goes: "I'm too old to know everything." I guess when I didn't "get" my father's advice I was one of those young people. Now, I get it, Dad. Now, I get it.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Making An Honest Woman of Me
Because in my "other" life, my life as a therapist, it is essential to my clients that I keep my private life private,
I cannot say to them: "I've been lonely before." I heard those words in a song by Madeleine Peyroux and I said to myself: "Yes." I said that, not because I wanted the beautiful and talented singer/songwriter, Madeleine Peyroux, to be lonely; but, because her words speak of a universal feeling--a feeling that we all have, at times, married or single, with or without children; whether we are movie stars or just plain quiet folk.
And for me, loneliness is an inside job. I've been lonely in the middle of a family party and home alone on a night I'd rather be with a "significant other." I've also been lonely with a significant other. I asked my friends or they've told me that they are lonely sometimes, too. One of them lives on a large property with all of her children and grandchildren living there, too. Another lives with a troubled husband, who's had a series of emotional breakdowns. Still another lives at the epicenter of her community, yet she's living "a life of quiet desperation," as T.S.Eliot might say.
Loneliness is not so much a fact; it's more of a state of mind. How do we comfort ourselves in our moments of loneliness? For some of us, it's as easy as picking up the phone to call a friend; some of us go to twelve-step-meetings, to connect with other like-minded people; some of us write a gratitude list; others do volunteer work or paint or exercise or do something that brings them into a state we call "flow." It's a state of mindfully being in the moment, not looking back at the past with regret or looking forward and worrying about a future that may never happen.
If you see me, with my therapist's hat on; or at one of my twelve-step-meetings (OA) you may think I haven't a care in the world. And, probably, compared to what some people are coping with, I don't. But,
to tell the truth, like Madeleine Peyroux, I get lonely sometimes, too.
It's not that I don't enjoy my solitude at times. How else would I be writing to you? Sometimes I need the solitude, once I settle in and stop resisting it. I need it to re-focus or meditate or organize myself and reflect on what needs doing in my life.
But, let's be clear on this: in every life--if we're not escaping through drugs or alcohol or food or compulsive relationships or gambling or shopping--we are going to feel the tough feelings too. All of us, we humans, have those feelings. And I do too. And, you, you who have been reading this blog, you are my companions on this journey. When I feel those tough feelings, I turn to you. Did you know you were making an honest woman of me? Did you know that, just by taking the time to read these scribblings of mine, you were making a difference for me? Well, you are; and, I thank you for that. I talk to you when I think I have no one to talk to.
I cannot say to them: "I've been lonely before." I heard those words in a song by Madeleine Peyroux and I said to myself: "Yes." I said that, not because I wanted the beautiful and talented singer/songwriter, Madeleine Peyroux, to be lonely; but, because her words speak of a universal feeling--a feeling that we all have, at times, married or single, with or without children; whether we are movie stars or just plain quiet folk.
And for me, loneliness is an inside job. I've been lonely in the middle of a family party and home alone on a night I'd rather be with a "significant other." I've also been lonely with a significant other. I asked my friends or they've told me that they are lonely sometimes, too. One of them lives on a large property with all of her children and grandchildren living there, too. Another lives with a troubled husband, who's had a series of emotional breakdowns. Still another lives at the epicenter of her community, yet she's living "a life of quiet desperation," as T.S.Eliot might say.
Loneliness is not so much a fact; it's more of a state of mind. How do we comfort ourselves in our moments of loneliness? For some of us, it's as easy as picking up the phone to call a friend; some of us go to twelve-step-meetings, to connect with other like-minded people; some of us write a gratitude list; others do volunteer work or paint or exercise or do something that brings them into a state we call "flow." It's a state of mindfully being in the moment, not looking back at the past with regret or looking forward and worrying about a future that may never happen.
If you see me, with my therapist's hat on; or at one of my twelve-step-meetings (OA) you may think I haven't a care in the world. And, probably, compared to what some people are coping with, I don't. But,
to tell the truth, like Madeleine Peyroux, I get lonely sometimes, too.
It's not that I don't enjoy my solitude at times. How else would I be writing to you? Sometimes I need the solitude, once I settle in and stop resisting it. I need it to re-focus or meditate or organize myself and reflect on what needs doing in my life.
But, let's be clear on this: in every life--if we're not escaping through drugs or alcohol or food or compulsive relationships or gambling or shopping--we are going to feel the tough feelings too. All of us, we humans, have those feelings. And I do too. And, you, you who have been reading this blog, you are my companions on this journey. When I feel those tough feelings, I turn to you. Did you know you were making an honest woman of me? Did you know that, just by taking the time to read these scribblings of mine, you were making a difference for me? Well, you are; and, I thank you for that. I talk to you when I think I have no one to talk to.
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Simple Secret of Being Attractive
I have spent several years now living alone. At first, I railed at the thought of it: How unfair! Who could have predicted this. Me, a former Miss Skokie contender (well, okay, but I placed fourth or fifth or somesuch), with no husband or boyfriend to exchange the midnight kiss with on New Year's Eve or the candy and flowers on Valentine's Day.
My kids are grown up and off on their own, as they should be. My family is either living somewhere else or has gone to the big kosher deli in the sky. My former husband, as so many men do once they become successful (though who would have expected it of such a seeming "true blue"), decided he would feel younger with a younger woman, now that the hard years we shared were over.
I probably get a lot of offers to go to dinner or coffees or out for a glass of wine; as many as most "Women of a Certain Age" who do not live in Boca Raton can be expected to get. But here's the problem: either I don't "click" with them or they don't "click" with me. (Have things really changed very much since our early dating years?)
For me, this is an ineffable quality: "The Click". It's not looks, really. It's who a person is--and it's a certain kind of confidence, not the narcissistic kind. Rather, it's more like this: "I like you. But I'll be fine if you don't like me."
Here is the secret I learned very recently at a Twelve-Step Meeting I've been going to for the past 35 years.
My friend's husband, hearing about my latest disappointing relationship, said: "Businessmen all know this rule
about Bankers. If you want to borrow money, the one thing is..." And I (as I have a tendency to do) finished his sentence: "You have to look like you don't need it." "No," said my friend's husband, "You have to not need it."
So, here's the thing. One way or the other you can't lose. If you don't need someone else to give you a life, you have a good life, whether that someone is in it or not. And if you attract someone because you are whole within yourself, then you have a good life and a good partner; the kind of a partner who isn't threatened by, but attracted to, a woman with a life of her own. I think it works for men this way, as well. Try it and keep me posted.
And, perhaps, the end of my marriage wasn't just my former husband's quest for the young and the beautiful.
It may have been that somewhere within those hard years, his wife got so focused on his success, his trials and tribulations, she may have lost her own good life and, thus, become someone without a life of her own.
Married or single, 25 or 65; I don't recommend it.
My kids are grown up and off on their own, as they should be. My family is either living somewhere else or has gone to the big kosher deli in the sky. My former husband, as so many men do once they become successful (though who would have expected it of such a seeming "true blue"), decided he would feel younger with a younger woman, now that the hard years we shared were over.
I probably get a lot of offers to go to dinner or coffees or out for a glass of wine; as many as most "Women of a Certain Age" who do not live in Boca Raton can be expected to get. But here's the problem: either I don't "click" with them or they don't "click" with me. (Have things really changed very much since our early dating years?)
For me, this is an ineffable quality: "The Click". It's not looks, really. It's who a person is--and it's a certain kind of confidence, not the narcissistic kind. Rather, it's more like this: "I like you. But I'll be fine if you don't like me."
Here is the secret I learned very recently at a Twelve-Step Meeting I've been going to for the past 35 years.
My friend's husband, hearing about my latest disappointing relationship, said: "Businessmen all know this rule
about Bankers. If you want to borrow money, the one thing is..." And I (as I have a tendency to do) finished his sentence: "You have to look like you don't need it." "No," said my friend's husband, "You have to not need it."
So, here's the thing. One way or the other you can't lose. If you don't need someone else to give you a life, you have a good life, whether that someone is in it or not. And if you attract someone because you are whole within yourself, then you have a good life and a good partner; the kind of a partner who isn't threatened by, but attracted to, a woman with a life of her own. I think it works for men this way, as well. Try it and keep me posted.
And, perhaps, the end of my marriage wasn't just my former husband's quest for the young and the beautiful.
It may have been that somewhere within those hard years, his wife got so focused on his success, his trials and tribulations, she may have lost her own good life and, thus, become someone without a life of her own.
Married or single, 25 or 65; I don't recommend it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I'll Always Have Paris
I was staying at a hotel where all the guests and most of the staff were gone for the holidays, but, clever me, I thought I'd bring along my computer and my i-phone and that way, if I got lonely, I could always text, call or e-mail my friends.I had one problem: None of my techno-communications worked in France. Probably there was a way to activate one or the other of them, but I couldn't ask or understand in French how to go about it.
Thus, whenever Josh and Flore would bring me back to the hotel, I was totally alone. As a "Woman of a Certain Age" who is divorced and has grown sons, I am often alone. But when I am alone at home, I have these technological ways of communicating with my friends. In France, with a bad case of jet-lag, I was truly alone with no one but me in that lovely quaint room. I had no recourse. All I could do was study my French, expecting it wouldn't make much of a difference in the brief eight days of my stay.
And the jet-lag was pretty tough to adjust to. When Josh and Flore woke me up at 11AM or 12PM, a perfectly reasonable, if not luxurious time to arise; it was 4 in the morning to my Milwaukee body I didn't want to see the countryside; I wanted to go back to sleep.
One morning, maybe seven days in, I got up and felt peppy; finally awake. I fixed my beret on my head and walked down to the cafe and sat right at the bar-part, where the owner was. I began to speak French to the owner and his wife and soon the entire small cafe was talking and laughing (in French!). When my son walked in he said it looked like a scene from a French version of "Cheers." And, as we left for our day in Paris, I straightened my beret and told them: "Aujourd'hui, nous allons, seulement Francais!" which means something pretty close to "Today, we speak only French!" And what a day it was! First the friendly people in the cafe who actually understood my French and then the rest of the day in Paris and with Flore's lovely family.
So all day I spoke French. And then I had this epiphany. "I survive life's tough moments--and every life has them--I just need to really be present for the good moments. It's a little like that Woody Allen quote: "I'm not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens." That day, I realized, that, in my case, "I'm not afraid of life. But oftentimes, I haven't really been there when it's been happening."
More than the twinkle lights in the Eiffel Tower or the Gertrude and Leo Stein exhibition or even the beautiful classic French Christmas I was a part of at Flore's Famille Bisous (affectionate-family); I had this amazing revelation (which I'm sure you'll have to remind me of when I'm lonely--which I am from time to time.) I can be alone, be fully myself in the moment and have a wonderful time of it! No sparkling diamond ring or new computer gizmo can even come close to the gift I got this Christmas!
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