How Do You Get a Philosopher Off Your Porch?: A Riddle

      I think one of the challenges all of us humans deal with is the challenge of listening to other people. Some people--teachers, counselors, pastors--gurus of one kind or another--are very convincing and charismatic. I would, at times, like to think there is someone in the world who has all the answers; the right answers for me.

      For me, I find that having wise counselors in my life is essential. I mean the kind of people who tell me the truth. Example: "You look as if you have gained weight. Are you overeating lately?" or "Have another child at fifty-two? Are you insane!!" Some of the people I consult to find answers are: my sister; my sons (depending on the situation); a couple of my dear friends; my therapist (and every therapist should have a therapist!); and my dreams (because they can be looked at as wake-up calls from the unconscious mind).

      Ultimately, as I tell people who seek my help as a therapist, you are the one who will experience the ramifications of your decisions. Thus, you will want to be sure to listen to your own "Inner Knowing." This kind of knowing is different than our "shoulds" or our rash impulses (addictions?). What I'm referring to is more like your instinct.

      Okay, I promised you a riddle and here it is:

     "How do you get a philosopher off your porch?"....(Wait for it.)
     "Pay for the pizza."

     No offense to worthy pizza-deliverers everywhere. But few of us, as children, or high school graduates said to ourselves: "I believe my calling in life is to deliver pizzas for Domino's." The philosopher riddle is another way of saying: "How's that working for him/her?" or "If he/she's so smart, how come he/she's not rich?"

    If someone isn't living an authentic, and relatively happy life--perhaps he/she isn't someone we want to consult about our lives. Actually, no one else should have total power over us. Advise? Yes. But, make our decisions for us? No. A wise man once told me that Buddha and Gandhi (though certainly I quote both frequently) were both "bad dads." They are reported to have abandoned their families to follow their respective callings. And, though their callings were important, in the area of parenthood, we might not want to quote either. Hey, who's perfect? Although, I sometimes wonder about how their children fared.

    In the end, like it or not, we are the ones who have to bear responsibility for our own decisions and our own mistakes--and we all make them. So, my rule of thumb is this: I consult my wise advisors. It's a kind of brainstorming technique I use to find my own answers. Other people's ideas (people I respect) ultimately stimulate my own creative problem-solving process. The end result is that I think about the situation in several different ways. Then, I make the best decision I can.

I find when I listen to my own "Inner-Knowing," I tend to come up with the best answer/s for me. (And waiting 24-72 hours, if possible, isn't a bad idea, either!) Ultimately, if I make a decision and my solution doesn't work, I really can't blame anyone else. After all, I was the one who chose to do it this way or that. However, if I don't make any decision at all: I let things be decided by default--or I let someone else make a decision for me--That is a decision, too. "When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice; to not choose." Jarod Kintz

    I know in some relationships, an ex-partner will consider him/herself a victim: "I am devastated--he/she left me." I am always curious about possible passive decision-making on the part of the ex. Was he/she present in the partnership? Was there, perhaps, a non-verbal message from the "identified victim" that might have--even without consciously realizing it--said: "This is not working for me." Certainly, this is not always the case, but it is worth considering.

   I think, most often, the hard part is that the person who may have unconsciously made his/her own passive-decision has little insight about his/her part in the outcome. Sadly, that person may continue to speak "victim" in other choices in his/her life---resulting in a pattern of repeating situations --from relationships to people we attract into our lives (or push out of our lives) to the work we find ourselves doing. See Bill Murray in the film "Groundhog Day" for a better idea of what I'm talking about here--living the life of an automaton--in which we play the crucial part, but we are entirely unaware of this--and we fail to own our own power. We aren't making the decisions in a conscious way.

    I know this sounds like a plug for my profession; but, therein lies the value of therapy. (Sorry, guys, but particularly hypnotherapy). Looking at the "Victim Trance," as Wellness' Diane Zimberoff has written about, and waking-up from it's seductive power may be the single most important realization in one's life.

The Saying that Says it All: "Life is....

      ...what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon, from "Beautiful Boy.")

     At times, I find I get nostalgic for another time in my life. It could be a time when my kids were small or a time when I was in college; when this or that was happening in my life. I am thinking of inventing a computer chip that could be attached to my wrist. Actually, a rubber band on my wrist that I could snap whenever I needed "snapping out of it" would do. In these fits of nostalgia, if I am realistic about them, I am selectively editing out certain segments of the times of my life that I'm currently missing. I'm just remembering the time in my life that allows me to think that another time of my life was better than the time I am in at that moment. Perhaps I am being too unclear, here--let me explain.

     What I mean is this. In fact. I didn't love every moment of the times I embellish in my mind. Example: I loved parts of the time when my kids were small. Why? Because they were cute and cuddly and lived in the room next to mine. What I am forgetting is that there was a lot  I didn't love about that time. Maybe it was that they had ear infections a lot and we were holed up in our rather isolated house in the 'burbs or I worried about their progress in school and I was living in the country-like suburbs without much of a support system nearby....Or forgetting that, in these same years, from about twenty-four to about forty-something I was still (as we used to hear a lot in those days): "trying to find myself." (As in: "What will I be when ((and if)) I grow up?")

     It's pretty much the same with college. Yes, it was a time when I could wear a two-piece bathing suit and a time when I had a lot of friends and family living nearby. But, it was also a time when I thought every decision I made (or was made for me) was the-end-of-the-world: from "What should I major in, in college?" to "Is this guy I'm dating going to be the father of my children?"; From "Should I stay in the Midwest or move to New York?" (I'm from the Midwest) to "Should I continue my education?"

    I forget about how I worried about boyfriends, whether I had one or not. If I had a boyfriend, I would worry: "Does he care for me enough?" or "Do I care for him enough?" or "How will I break up with him?" or "He's breaking up with me!" If I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd worry: "Maybe I will never have a boyfriend" or "Maybe everyone good is already taken."

    Frequently, when I was in school, I'd worry about school-work: "I don't think I can finish this paper--and I'm going to fail the class if I don't!" Or: "I'm not understanding this statistics class; how will I ever get through it?" Sometimes, I'd be studying way into the night in an effort to do well on a test or complete a paper. Following this kind of "cramming" I'd end up being too tired in the morning to concentrate well on the test or I might oversleep and miss the class altogether--thus, I wouldn't turn in my paper at all, even though I had finished it.

    I think of another quote, which is the result of the kind of thinking that we humans do--always concerning ourselves with the past or the future--and never really being present for our life as it is happening. Colette, the Turn-of-the-Century French novelist, is reported to have said, on her deathbed: "What a wonderful life I've had. I only wish I'd realized it sooner."

    Computer chip? Rubber band? How does one continue to remain present for the only thing there really is (outside of our imaginations, however we are editing at the moment): As Ekhart Tolle has reminded us in his writings: all we really ever have, is The Now. Whether it's a difficult time or a terrific one (and usually there are components of both in every time)....Do we want to miss it, while obsessing over the past or the future?

   Next (and my final post in this, my life-lessons series): a riddle.

Joke Number Four: Keep Your F***ing Jack!

     Here's the joke:

     This guy Jim's car had a flat about a mile from his home. He looked in his trunk and saw that he didn't have a jack. But, he remembered that his next-door neighbor, Joe, was a car-mechanic and he would certainly own a jack: "I'll borrow his jack," Jim thought.

     So, Jim left his car on the side of the road and started walking toward his neighbor's house. As he was walking, he said to himself: "If anybody has a jack, Joe does." 

    And, as he continued to walk, he began to think, "Hmm, Joe borrowed my lawn mower at the end of the summer--and I don't think he ever returned it." And walking on: "I'm almost positive it was Joe's dog who messed up my flower bed that time!"....And "That Joe never returned my lawn mower, I mean, that's pretty rude!"....Before long, Jim was mumbling under his breath as he walked toward's Joe's house. Finally he got to the door, rang the bell. In a moment Joe answered the door, with a big friendly smile. 

   Jim looked him in the eye and yelled: "And you can just keep your f***ing jack!"

   Well, of course, don't most of us do this, at times? We tell ourselves a story or interpret something that we experience without considering that there may be another explanation or way to look at it. One example, for me, is the time a friend of mine seemed to see me; and, then, she walked right past me in our local  coffeeshop. I began to think: "Have I offended her in some way?" "Is she not talking to me for some reason?" 

   A day or so later, I saw her at the local post office. So,  I stopped her and said, "You know, I saw you  at Starbucks a day or two go and you didn't even say hello." She explained, "I think I may have had my headset on and I was listening to a song I wanted to remember the words to. I'm sure I didn't see you or I would've said hello. Are you busy now? Let's grab a bite and have a chat."

   I realize that, at times I can--and maybe you can, too-- be like the guy who went to borrow the jack. At times, I can tell myself a story, not so much based on what is happening at the moment, but on fears or insecurities I may have from the past. Before long, I may believe my own story so much, it seems as if there could be no other explanation for what it was I was telling myself. 

   The reason I mention this is that I think a lot of people may unwittingly use their energy in this way: telling themselves a story that isn't even true, as Jim in my jack-joke did and as I did with my friend at Starbucks. To learn this and not repeat the mistake, it is important to see our own tendency to assume (I think Oscar Wilde said it, "When you ass-u-me, you make an ass out of u and me.")For myself, I would rather avoid getting upset for no good reason. It's a bad, even if only occasional, habit, that interferes with my enjoyment of life. Now, I find if I can widen the lens of my memory and see that I have almost always been incorrect, when I've done this negative self-story-telling. And, well, it's pretty humbling (and, maybe, just a tad embarrassing, too?) to realize that not everything is about us! 

    

Joke Three: Two Ties for Christmas.

     Since its holiday time, many of us struggle with challenging families. Here's a story that, perhaps, rings true for many of us with one family member or another.

Joke Three: Two Ties for Christmas

    A mother gave her son two ties for Christmas. He opened his gift on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Morning he came downstairs to breakfast proudly wearing one of the ties.

   "Whatsamatter,"
    his mother admonished him, "You didn't like the other tie?"

   I know. Aren't these the most confounding people? The ones where if you do it this way, it's wrong. And if you do it that way, it's also wrong. That's because it isn't really about the way we did this or that. It's about them. Some people are just plain unhappy and they project that unhappiness on those around them, instead of looking at themselves.

   But, as J.P. Morgan once said, "A man always has two reasons for doing anything: a very good reason and the real reason." It's difficult to look within, but that's almost always where the dissatisfaction lies--with life, other people and one's life situation in general. The curmugeony (is that a word?) nature of impossible-to-please people comes not from this or that on the outside. As the Great Bard (Shakespeare) has said: "The fault....lies not within our stars...but within our selves."

   Trying to please people never really works as a life strategy. We have to ask ourselves, "If I have to please my friends (read: family, partner) to have them accept me,  how different is that from buying their affection?" Actually, when we let go of people-pleasing and are authentic with others; (i.e. when we please ourselves) we tend to win others' respect. And, then, we know that the friendships that remain don't come with a cover-charge.

   Next time: Joke Four: "Keep Your F***ing Jack!" (Uh-oh, I may have ruined the punchline!)

Hard-Discovered Tools for Flipping A Mood-State

     I notice that on occasion I will get into a mood which feels paralyzing. Once I'm in it, I can't tell when it began and I seem to feel helpless to snap out of it.

     As I ask the people I know about their own struggles with Negative Thinking, I find I am not alone. For me, a situation and a thought may start it. And, most often, I find I go to that place when I am, as 12-step programs call it, in the H.A.L.T. state---You know, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

     So, what I've been trying to do to ward off that state is to have a Mood First Aid Kit--I like to call it "A Hope Chest"--in my car, for times I feel the prodromal syndrome that precedes going into a negative mood-state."

     Often, I can snap out of it when I connect with my larger life; the things that are in my life, but I am not connecting with them at the moment. In other words, if I'm feeling lonely or feeling down. (And, yes, therapists sometimes feel just the way their clients do!) I need to do some CPR on my mood before it's blueness runs into the next day or into the weekend.

     Instead of allowing myself to be trapped by my mood, I can reach for something that will soothe me--something without harmful side effects. Peering inside my "Hope Chest," I will find some of the reminders I need to snap out of it: a gratitude list; a positive book or favorite album or dvd that spins my mood; an affirmation or poem; pictures of my sons and my niece and nephew, my sister, my friends; pictures of items in my home or office that inspire me; sayings that I like; a list of accomplishments (We all have little accomplishments!)

     And then there's another way I turn a bum-mood around....Am I feeling lonely? Well, if I were more social, could I do my practice (which is my work)? If I were a social butterfly, would I have time to be creative--to be having this conversation with you? If I were more social, could I expose myself to things that have been tremendously enriching: hypnotherapy, learning french, travel.

     Also, you don't have to be a boy-scout to know that being prepared can be crucial. So in my mood-surfing kit, I would have: some music I love; something healthy to eat; something healthy to drink; and, possibly, some phone numbers to call for support.

      Recently, I was approaching my birthday with a feeling of dread. Was I appreciating being alive and healthy and having a wonderful profession that I love even 21 years since I went back to school for it? Not really.  I was thinking: "Do I really have the energy to drive to my sister's house? I'm feeling a little tired." The birthday plan I had was to drive to my sister's in a suburb of Chicago. We had planned to have dinner and go to a movie. Then on Sunday, I had planned to go to a spiritual center with some friends, followed by brunch and browsing in the Andersonville area of the city.

     I had a terrific weekend, actually--So, looking back, I consider that the time I spent feeling that dread-feeling a colossal waste of time!

     On my birthday, after I stretched my comfort zone (read: forced myself) to drive to my sister's, I found the following: 1. The weather was excellent 2. Dinner and the movie that we saw was great fun (It was in French) and 3. Chicago's Bodhi Center was inspiring, along with the joy of brunch and browsing with people I like.

     And, when I returned home, over twenty-five friends and relatives from all over the country contacted me. When I look at how I approached the weekend (with dread of disappointment and a fear of loneliness)--the outcome was actually the polar opposite. As one friend of mine said: "You were like the man who is dying of thirst, surrounded by a thousand lakes." Ever since my birthday, I've been trying to boil down what it was that started the positive spin, so that I can spin it again.

And I think the key was nudging myself out of my comfort zone. I think if I hadn't forced myself to just get in the car and drive and fought "I-don't-feel-like-its" (Note: this must be said with a whine.) I would have had the dread-day I was self-predicting. Now, I'm intrigued by how people, myself included, can moodspin. All in all, it is not doing what I feel like doing or am habituated to, which allows others in,  pulls me out of my darker places, and ultimately has a domino effect on every aspect of my life.

Joke Two: The Kreplach Story

     First, for those who don't know what kreplach are, let me explain. Kreplach are little meatpies, similar to Chinese wontons, that, like matzoballs, often appear in chicken soup, when it's made by a Jewish mother.

     Joke Two:  "The Kreplach Story"

     There was a little boy who was terrified of kreplach and his mother made them every Friday night.
Every time he saw them he would scream: "Ahhhhh, kreplach!!!!" and run out of the room.

     His mother thought about how she could help him overcome his irrational fear of the harmless little meat pies. So, she brought him into the kitchen one Friday afternoon and she took out her baking ingredients. Together she and little Sammy put the flour and egg and oil and water together and rolled it into a ball.

     His mother said, pointing to the dough-ball: "Sammy, are you afraid of this?" Sammy replied, "No."

     Then mother and Sammy together took a big rolling pin and rolled out the dough. "Sammy," said his mother, "are you afraid of this?" Sammy replied calmly, "No."

     She then enlisted Sammy to help her cut the dough and place a tablespoon of meat on top. As they pinched each individual pie shut, mother said: "So, Sammy? Are you afraid of this?" Sammy said confidently, "No."

     Then, together, they dropped the pies in a big pot of boiling water and put on the cover.
Twenty minutes later, mother called Sammy back into the room, opened the cover....and brought a chair for Sammy to stand on, showing him the results of their labors.

    "Ahhh, kreplach!!!" the boy screamed, running out of the room.

    How many times do we find ourselves in a life pattern and say, "But I thought this guy/gal was different!" or "I thought this job/friend/place to live would be different!" What may very well have needed to be different was us. Unless we can do the work of seeing our part in our lives, our choices, our mistakes, we are like small children, blaming everybody else for whatever mess we find ourselves in. The growth is in seeing our part, then acting on that awareness. Once we become cognizant of what we do, to sow the seeds we sow, we have a choice. We can't control other people. But, we can use our mistakes to make healthier choices for ourselves. The one thing that's always the same in a pattern we begin to recognize in our lives is not so much the pattern (there may be different patterns with familiar themes), but us. And, by the way, I don't mean to say it's always us. Sometimes we do need to find a new job, a different place to live, another boy/girlfriend!

Next Joke (for the Holidays): Two Ties For Christmas.

Four Jokes, A Riddle, and A Saying: Metaphors for Living

There are ways I notice I can make myself miserable. Other people make themselves miserable in these ways, too. I find the best way to explain how I do this is with four jokes, a riddle and a saying.

Joke One:

A grandmother takes her little grandson to the beach. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining, as they stand in the shallow water and throw the beach ball back and forth. The little boy is giggling and running and having so much fun. And then, all of a sudden, the sky grows dark, there's a thunderclap, and a wave comes and sweeps the boy away. The grandmother is beside herself! She raises her hands to the sky and says: "He was only two years old!" "Why did you have to do that!" "My daughter-in-law is going to kill me!" She's carrying on like this for quite a while. And then there is a thunderclap and a big wave comes and deposits the boy at her feet, not a hair on his head harmed. Whereupon she raises her hands to the sky and says: "He had a hat!"

Yup. I can get a miracle and still be dissatisfied! I'm worried about something that has not happened. My son hasn't called in a couple of weeks. I hope he's okay. But, what if he isn't.....I didn't finish that thing from work, and, even though I have an extension, I am certain I will be shamed for being so slow to finish....And then my son calls. He's fine; just busy. My work gets done; and no shaming. And so it goes. Next thing you know I'm worrying about a health issue or a relational issue. Even when the situation I was so focused on resolves itself, there is always another situation to focus on. What is that? Neurotic behavior I'm sure, but also, it's not seeing the miracles all around and looking for the hat, so to speak. And more: it's not seeing the history of my worrying and it's outcomes...And just continuing to complain. I hate to admit it, but maybe there ought to be a 12-step program for negative thinkers. Although I work on my own negative thinking patterns, sometimes the support of others puts things in perspective. And the spiritual connection, whatever a person's connection is, allows us to be grateful for the miracles that we receive.

Next time: Joke Two.

The Victim Mentality: Smack Me If I'm Doing It!!!

     I find I meet a lot of men on dating websites. Some of them have become good friends or dance or film-buddies. But, one thing I notice in some of the men I have met is that there are men out there who are so into their victim-selves--(And I'm sure there are women too; but I haven't met any women-partner people--not that there's anything wrong with that!--because I am looking for a man-partner). I believe, in a victim-trance, as I think of this kind of Charlie-Brown thinking (Remember the song? One of the lyrics is, "Why is everybody always picking on me?")--In this mind-set it would be difficult for anyone to attract much that's more positive. Or at least that has been what I've noticed.

    Recently I met a man on don'tbedesperate.com, my preferred match-site for dating. This man and I then e-mailed for a time. Next, we spoke to on the telephone. However, in talking with him for a relatively short time, he began to sound terribly victimized by his life. Since I have had my own challenges with victim-mentality from time to time, that's an energy that I find it particularly difficult to be around.

    He told me he had health problems (as many of us do by the time we get to sixtyish, but we can let them define us or not) and relational problems (We can see ourselves as "cursed" or "unlucky" or we may take a look at how play a part in repeatedly attracting what we don't want into our lives). Now, I don't mean to judge this man---because I know it is painful to be in this negative mind-state. I have been there myself. I can, at times, get into what I consider to be a negative trance for whatever reason. And if I spoke to someone I didn't know very well around that time, I might sound very pessimistic; maybe even sound just the way he did. After all, who's happy all the time?

Anyway, being a therapist doesn't give me any right to "be helpful" to somebody who is is not asking for help or not at all aware of how he might help himself--or that he could benefit from getting someone objective to help him see that. So, I listened to his: "I'm glad my daughter is a gerontologist. That way, she can care for me in my old age." Or, his: "I am a recovering alcoholic, but I haven't been to an AA meeting in years." Or, even, "My wife had an affair and left me."(Too much information and--not to "blame the victim," but too little concern shown about any part he could possibly have played in his wife's detachment); or, "I have diabetes and I had a stroke last year" (Without any acknowledgement that he could have died, but was minimally handicapped by this event).

Do I want to meet this person, just hearing how much he is caught in his own negative energy? Would you? All of these things may be true in his life, but focusing on them is a way to, as Gandhi said: "Be the thing you want to see in the world." We want to attract someone healthy and giving and positive and loving to come into our lives. But, then, are we healthy and giving and positive and loving ourselves? What happened to "When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come"? Are we ready, ourselves, to meet a partner or a teacher? (And all partners are teachers, even if they teach us painful lessons.)

The thing is, it's not the stroke or the unfaithful wife or the recovering alcoholic stuff that would keep me far far away from such a person. It's the living in victim-mentality and having no understanding that one is not so much a victim of fate as a victim of our own perceptions; our own stuckness in our lives. The paradox is that I have seen people with life's most difficult challenges create a more positive energy for themselves; one more likely to attract a like-minded partner; a healthy community; and, even, improved health and a sense of well-being into our lives.

When I get into the "Poor mes," as I think of them, here are a few of the things I do I that help me: If I can, I connect with people who remind me that I am more than the "me" of that negative moment. I go to meetings (OA is my 12-step program & I am always reminded there of how much our negative messages keep us paralyzed!). I meditate.  I read or listen to a book on tape or see a film that puts me in touch with people who are role-models of courage--the Dan Gottleib story (quadripalegic psychologist and columnist and radio talk-show host); or read my cousin Judy's blog. (She is struggling with oral cancer, but a brave survivor.)

Dr. Marsha Linehan, who, throughout her childhood, suffered from serious mental illness; vowed to help others if she could experience the miracle of getting well. She then developed her DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) treatment model that helps millions. She might advise us to : "Live a life worth living."

It's not my favorite part of myself, The Victim Trap (as Diane Zimberoff, Director of The Wellness Institute, has called it in her book of the same name). Still, if I can see the energy I am attaching myself to; then,  I can do the things that help me de-tach from it.

Not to be an un-nice person; but, one of those things I do to keep myself in a more positive mind-state is "stick with the winners" (the people who are in more positive energy, no matter what the cards life has dealt them) and stay away from people who are stuck in a place who's energy pulls me into a more negative place; a place I don't want to be. If I can recognize it, in others and in myself, I can make better choices. As Shakespeare said in his play, Julius Caesar: "The fault....is not within our stars, but in ourselves."

My Dating "Inner Knowing" Makes an Appearance (And Not a Cameo!)

Earlier this week, I found myself on another in a series of coffee-dates, attempting to make new friends--even, perhaps, find a special person to connect to. This fellow and I had corresponded on my favorite dating site for folks in my age-range: don'tbedesperate.com.

He was a fascinating man; there was a draw to him that is difficult to explain. You just know it when you feel it. But, as we talked on, I had "an ah-hah moment." I felt, a strong feeling, deep within myself, that this man was simply not available. I felt a sense that either he could not connect to another in an intimate relationship or he was still unfinished about a relationship that he thought was over. Another thing, I found interesting: I had the feeling he and I were talking in some strange kind of code. I've never had this sense before with anyone, so I found it pretty odd. And it wasn't only that he was speaking in this code; I was speaking it too.

So, then, instead of doing what I most often do--which is to dismiss my "inner knowing" and just forge ahead, telling myself that "once we really get to know one another--this will all change"--I stopped. I breathed. I listened. And, instead of brushing off the quiet, calm sense I had about this, the sense I felt deep within; I told him what I was thinking. He listened, but didn't really listen. Instead, he asked if we could continue the afternoon, by taking a walk; then, perhaps going dancing. I told him: "I am looking for a person who is available for a relationship, though even if you were available, I can't know that this person is you....But, I'm getting a strong feeling you're really not available."

He then assured me that he was. And instead of believing his words, above my intuition (which is something I most often did as a younger woman), I stayed with my intuition. I had seen a subtle look come across his face, when talking about someone he had recently dated. We talked about our childhoods and his was one with unavailable parents. I told him about mine too--and about my father who was always working, but when he was there was charming and loving.

I said: I am looking for a friend, and possibly a partner. And I told him that I had an experience about a year or more ago, with a man who I saw for a couple of months--He told me he was "addicted to romance"; but he said he thought he had that beat now. I should have taken his words for the warning they were, and ended things; but I didn't. Ultimately, this man was not available. He had actually warned me he wasn't. But, I thought: "Oh, I can fix that! He just hasn't really met the right woman yet!" (Of course, I was thinking that I was the right woman.)

In a short while my coffee-date said: "I have been a player." And I knew that his playing was not a temporary condition, like a cold. It was who he was. I couldn't do much about that. My job was not to fix him, but rather to look at myself: What in me has been attracted to such a person? More than once? Why have I silenced my own "inner voice" in the past, to do the dance that always disappoints?

It's nice to know though, that after something difficult happens--a pain, a disappointment--that I really can do things differently. It is the surprise gift inside every painful lesson, I think---That within every painful moment is a lesson to help us grow. Will it help me find the right mate? Beats me! But, even if it doesn't find me a mate, this gift inside the pain comes with an undeniable joy--the feeling that my pain is not meaningless. It has a purpose. On my coffee-date with this unavailable man, I made a choice: to go with my "inner knowing," above this man's assurances that he was cured--(or that I was cured!) I wasn't putting a man's assurances above my own "inner knowing." And, goshdarnit, I really like myself this way!

The Best: Always Yet to Come!

This summer, I took a vacation to Normandy for three weeks. I have set myself on a mission: To take the longest vacation I have ever taken (three weeks); To get better at speaking French; and to do some writing while I am in France. 

I have other goals as well. I want to enjoy the moment and all of my surroundings here. I want to spend some quality time with my son and his fiance who live here. And I want to see how I do in a different culture--one without the comforts I have grown used to.

Before I left, I got this card from my friend that said: "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin.

It's terrifying to try new things, isn't it? Things we aren't sure we'll be good at? Things that test us in new ways. Things whose outcome we don't know. But the truth is, we don't know anything. We only think we do. 

Don't you find that sometimes in the middle of your life, where you feel as if you could predict exactly how that day and that week and the next will go, something unexpected or shocking happens--it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It might be that you are going through your day-to-day life and suddenly you decide to quit your job or decide you absolutely must go somewhere you don't ordinarily go---and because of this seemingly sudden decision, you meet someone who is now your best friend or partner or someone who gives you just the tip you need to take the next step in your life.

You take a class, hoping to learn something that will advance you in your career. Instead you meet your 

best friend there. You stop for a bagel--and you don't even know why--and you meet someone who will become a part of your life, even change your destiny, altogether.

I believe that like the Marsha Linehan "Behavior Chain Analysis," tool of her Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Often known as DBT), one seemingly unrelated thing may oddly lead to something important that happens to us down the road. 

An example of this, for me, was that because I was a stay-at-home mom for a bit, I was reading a lot of Isaac Bashevis Singer, the Nobel Laureate for Literature in that year. On an impulse, I took out my little Sears Manual typewriter and typed him a letter. On another impulse, I scribbled my phone number at the end. At the time, I lived in the suburbs of New York. But, I didn't know where to send my letter, so I sent it to his publisher.

And because I was filled with creative ennui and doing a lot of reading when my children were small, I wrote the letter. And because I wrote the letter, Mr. Singer called me and invited me over. And because I went to meet him, I was invited to a Chanukah party at his home. And because I went to the party and wrote down some notes about what had happened there, I wrote about my meeting, seven years after it had happened. And because I sent it to The New York Times' "Speaking Personally" Section, it got published there. And because it got published in the New York Times, I thought of myself, more officially, as a writer. 

So you see what I mean? It's the Butterfly Effect or The Chaos Theory, that one tiny shift in the world, causes something else to shift ever so slightly, so that over time, big changes can happen. 

That's why we have to stretch and grow and try new things, even if we don't (and we never really do) know the outcome. And we certainly can't know the ramifications of some small thing we do over time.

But, there is a kind of domino effect. We topple over one domino--and the whole domino world reconfigures. 

I have to keep telling myself: It doesn't matter how old I am or what has happened before. I am--we all are recreating ourselves every moment throughout our lives, a teeny-tiny bit at a time. So, that is why we must, we absolutely must, follow our instincts and try something new. It's especially important to us Sixties kids. We need to keep the aliveness in our lives. And nobody else can do it for us!

I'll Have Some Cheese With my Whine!

I'm almost too embarrassed to tell you this! I had met somebody on-line and we were talking--well  texting and e-mailing and even talking on the phone pretty often. Now, you need to know this, if you somehow thought otherwise: being a psychotherapist in no way makes me immune from the same sorts of problems my clients deal with. As we therapists say: "A fish doesn't know that it's wet."

I have told other people (and need other people to tell me, at times) that, often our best quality is also our worst quality, as well. My imagination is essential to me in so many ways. It helps me to find out how to help people, which is my profession. It gives me things to write about for this blog and for the essays of mine that occasionally get aired on the radio. And, it's so much a part of my very personality....And, yet, it gets me in trouble, as it did with this total stranger who might very well be a unibomber or a sexual predator. Let me explain.

Sight unseen, this rather attractive (I had only seen the photo he posted on his profile--and his profile made him sound so adorable) man, told me that he would be in Milwaukee in a few weeks for a family wedding and would I like to be his date. I answered back that this was an interesting proposition, but hadn't we best meet one another first. He agreed, but since he was in another state; he probably would not be here for the wedding for several weeks.

We exchanged e-mail addresses and telephone numbers and started to have a virtual relationship, that is, talk to one another by one or another of these methods of comnunication quite often. It almost seemed as if we had a running conversation going throughout the day. He'd text, then call. I'd e-mail him back, then we'd text one another photos of what we were doing that day. It almost felt as if I had a h**band! I mean, I would tell him what I was doing throughout the day & he would tell me. It reminded me of what I really liked about having a h**band.

Then, it got a tad flirty, almost intimate. At times, he felt to me like he "went over the top." I pulled back, but then he'd write or call and say something sweet and charming. And there I was again, making up the "us" story....We can live here part of the year and there part of the year...and He's a writer, I'm a writer: We'll write together...and we both liked to travel: He has relatives in Paris, I have relatives in Normandy...We can spend time in both places visiting our families and traveling in Europe.


So, there I was, concocting a story about a person I didn't even know I liked. A person who I might meet and have no chemistry with in any way! But, on-line, on-the-phone, by text it was fun to dream. And so I did. For a week---maybe it was two, this went on. At one point, he invited me to fly out to meet him halfway. And, though I knew how crazy this would be, I was actually tempted to do it.

And then, just as he had appeared on the don'tbedesperate.com dating site, the one where a lot of really nice guys appear; he totally disappeared. He didn't write; he didn't call. I texted him and got the he's- really-not-that-into-you response: "I've just been busy."

Now, I have a friend who has lost the love of her life to cancer; a friend whose husband is so depressed he's been living in their bedroom. I have another friend who's fiance has been on a fishing trip and has "gone missing"! So, I really have got some nerve whining about this guy who is not even a real person. He could be married. He could be afflicted with a terrible drug problem. He could be a group of precocious teen boys who made up an identity. Yet, as if he were real; as if he were a h**band, my husband.....it feels as if a real person came into my life and he's left me. I know, I have nothing to feel whiny about....but, I feel whiny. So, hey, please pass the cheese. I do so like cheese with my whine.

Attention Deficit, Could it be The Out-of-the-Box-Creative-Thinker's Gift?

I have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. What this means is that I have difficulty in concentrating on things I am not interested in. Sometimes this makes me wonder---Do I really have a deficit because I'm not good at organizing paperwork or returning to tasks that are intellectually unstimulating for me? Or is it just that I am somehow in a space where the organizer has more value than the creative-person, unless that creative person is a Spielberg or an Einstein or a J.K. Rowlings.

I go back and forth on this. I have a feeling that none of these original thinkers do or did their own taxes, organized their filing cabinets or kept up with their bills all-by-themselves. I think they hired people who were good at those tasks to do them. Even people who are good with math or law or science can be creative-thinkers (possibly diagnosed with A.D.D.). But, they are good in a way that interests them. Not necessarily the research--but more the original concepts.

Dr Iain McGilchrist has a little animated feature on u-tube called "The Divided Brain." In it he looks at how the different parts of the brain communicate--and how rational thinking (which is basically being good at whatever already exists) gets more appreciation than the creative thinking (which is inventing new and better things that the creative brain brings into existence).

Well, of course we have to pay our taxes and our bills and put our clothes away and locate our phone numbers. But, instead of understanding that different people have a different skill-set, generally, in the world I inhabit, anyway; we believe that rational-thinkers have cornered the market on what-is-needed--and creative-thinkers are dreamers-who-don't-really-accomplish much.

I think of a story I heard about an alien that came to a planet where all its inhabitants had four-fingers.
The alien had five fingers and, so, was a freak of nature---well, on this planet. So the planets' inhabitants thought about how to remedy the problem. And what they came up with was to remove one of his fingers---so he could be just like them! Instead of looking at the possible advantages of having a hand that could pick up more, these rational thinkers found a way to have their hands be the only kind of hands there were.

I wonder about the value of creative-thinkers in a rational-thinkers world. Perhaps we should all be
considering the value of individual differences; understanding that creative-thinkers are necessary to invent and inspire and make new things happen. Rational-thinkers are important too; to see that the inventions and inspirations and new things that creative-thinkers create, continue to function efficiently and to keep replicating the inventions and teaching the concepts to others, so that the rest of us can pay our taxes and our bills, keep our filing cabinets organized and get the services that would not be there in the first place without the creative-thinkers.

I know my Attention Deficit seems like a deficit when I am trying to do a task like deal with insurance companies to see that they do what I am paying for them to do--or straighten out a banking or a billing error. But this kind of thinking sure comes in handy when I am feeling inspired in a therapy session to see what is blocking my client from achieving his goals or when I am writing to you in this blog or when I am combining a lot of what I know from all the places my mind is attracted to to come up with an-alternative-to-what-is.

Surviving the If-Onlys

I sometimes have a story I tell myself that goes like this: "I would be happy, if only..." This is an old story for me. You may have, at times, told yourself this story too. It deals with seeing one aspect of somebody else's life---and then thinking that if I had that aspect of their life, myself, I would be happy.

What I forget, when I am telling myself this story and believing it, is that along with that aspect of somebody else's life, come all the other aspects of their life. Their challenges. Their relationships. The whole shebang!

When I was an adolescent, I thought to myself: "If only I had her figure and her great smile and her cheekbones, I'd be perfect!" What I did not look at when I was if-only-ing, is that along with her figure, her smile, and her cheekbones, come all the other aspects of her life: her family (I like my own family); her talents (I'll keep my own, thank you); and her troubles (and who wants anybody else's troubles?)

In Buddhism, I believe they call this human quality, grasping; where we long for what we do not have. The corollary to it is that we have aversion, or we reject, anything we do have--but don't want-- in our own lives. Like, "If only I had more money" or "If only my mate was more loving" or "If only my kids would be different." The thing is, if we had so-and-so's money or mate or kids, we'd have to have the other aspects of her life that we might not want; maybe her dependency issues, her health, or her kids.

In life, it generally follows that the good comes with the bad. If you marry the football hero or the movie star that you so longed for as a young person, you will also get all the other aspects of his character: his ability to be a good father, a good husband, a co-provider. (To de-feminize this example, use the hotgirl-on-campus, instead of the football hero...See what I mean?)

Here is the circular nature of the if only's. A common if-only is: "If only I had a relationship, I would be happy." Then, you find a relationship; and it's: "If only I could change this relationship, I would be happy";  or, "If only I had a different relationship, I would be happy." Then, it's "If only I were out of this relationship or on-my-own, I would be happy." And when we are on-our-own, it's often, again, "If only I were in a relationship."

It seems that happiness never happens where we live in this paradigm; it alway lies out there somewhere. But, once we get to that somewhere, we find that this isn't the answer either. Or, not for long. Or, it comes with a whole slew of other if onlys. Thus, happiness always eludes us. It's never, "in the now, " as Ekhardt Tolle has written in his wonderful book, A New Earth: Finding Your Life's Purpose.

Is happiness a thing we can win? A thing that is out-there? Or is it a quality of mystery and wonder that lies in our own Inner Knowing? I've noticed that when I am in "A Blue Period," sometimes I find I can  shift what seems to be a dark cloud over my psyche, if I simply think a different thought or take a break from the negative voices in my head, by talking to a positive friend or by reading a book about "The Law of Attraction" or by just watching a DVD I like.

I have a friend who has contracted a painful disorder that may even shorten her life. But, she says that, unexpectedly, she finds herself happier than she has ever been in her life. The radio show host and columnist, quadriplegic psychologist Dr. Dan Gottlieb says that after his accident, he found more purpose in his life than ever before. He reports that he became happier than he had ever been in his life, despite--and, possibly because of--his disability.

It's like that quote by Canadian Buddhist songwriter/poet, Leonard Cohen: "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." I like that. If I can remember it when I am in my if-onlys, I
would be very pleased...But, I suppose that is an if only, too? Drat! Maybe, then,  you will remind me that I actually wrote this blog.

Friday Night at the Movies: Good Therapy for Tough Times

In between husbands or boyfriends, I used to find myself feeling pretty "blue" on the way home from work especially on a Friday night. Where many people look forward to the weekend as heralding the beginning of time-off from work and time to do the things they love, I used to dread weekends, especially weekends where my friends were all busy and I hadn't found you (blog-readers), yet. But I found a wonderful way to get out of my head and into somebody else's life: films. What I do is take out one of my favorite films (Either from an on-line service or the video store or my own personal collection).The one thing every one of these films has in-common is that each is what I call a Strong-Woman-Film. Each has a main character who is a courageous women, whether by choice or by chance.

Some of my favorite films are not on the best-seller list. Although, some are. Or were. When I was going through my divorce, I would get out the ironing board, the iron and whatever clothes needed ironing (usually most of my clothes)--and pop in my pick of the day. And that day was usually Friday.

What is it about coming home from work Friday night and knowing that your honey is not going to meet you at the door? I find, even if I have weekend plans, and I almost always do, these days; just knowing that I will not have that sometimes overrated, often longed for, honey waiting home for me or coming home to me can be somewhat upsetting.

In the past, I comforted myself with a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but later decided that I didn't want to become a chubby and a lonely woman. That could only make me feel worse!

So, I stock up on films, ones that show strong women living brave lives. Some of my favorites are (and be
prepared for many chick-flicks, here): "The African Queen" with Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart;
"The Goodbye Girl," with Marsha Mason and Richard Dreyfus; "Out of Africa," with Meryl Streep and Robert Redford; "Married to the Mob," with Michelle Pfeiffer and Alec Baldwin; "It's Complicated," with Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin; "Unconditional Love," with Kathy Bates, Rupert Everett and Dan Aykroyd; "The Painted Veil," with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton; "Something's Gotta Give," with Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson; "All About My Mother," with Cecilia Roth and Penelope Cruz; "Straight Talk," with Dolly Parton and James Woods; "Heartburn," with Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson; and Jane Fonda and Robert DiNiro in "Stanley and Iris."

Of course, there are many, many more, but I haven't memory enough or space enough to list them all. Right now, I'll be taking a hot bath and then curling up with Allie McBeal. I love her independent spirit!And the series was made in the 90s, I think--maybe before. That's right, it's Friday night! Hey, it's better than being with someone you wish you weren't with, right?

Alcoholism: It's a Disease, Not a Moral Failing

In my day job, I am a social worker and an alcohol and drug counselor. What astounds me about living in this day and age is that some folks still see alcoholism and drug addiction as a moral failing. Even some doctors are judgmental, treating the afflicted-person in ways they would never treat someone with cancer, kidney-failure, or heart disease.

It's a disease of the brain. Here are some reasons that we know it is a disease: 1. It is chronic, progressive, and deadly. 2. We have SPEC-scans that prove that the brains of the afflicted are damaged. 3. Tolerance (or needing more and more to get the same effect) for the person who is dealing with this disease shows that something has changed in the brain. 4. Withdrawal, or taking a drug or alcohol addicted person off the drugs or alcohol, will create strong physical symptoms such as the tremors  (shaking) often seen in the alcoholic or the symptoms of the opioid-addicted person: vomiting, shaking, diarrhea, insomnia. If drug addiction/alcoholism was not a disease, would we be seeing these unpleasant, sometimes dangerous physical symptoms, once people stopped using?

Actually, even a study of identical twins, sons of an alcoholic father, separated at birth, found that both boys, one raised in an alcoholic home and one raised in a non-alcoholic home became addicted to alcohol. Studies have shown that the children of substance-abusers had a strong tendency, once introduced to the drug-of-choice, to become addicted. Theory has it that this disease is partly genetic; one may have inherited tendencies.

Perhaps, some folks don't know that setting limits is not the same as shaming people for what they have been unfortunate enough to have. Imagine stopping someone who is physically-challenged, saying, "You slacker! Get up and walk!" Being wheelchair-bound is not a person's fault, but some people take the challenge it presents and do something with it.  Some people might stand on the street corner asking for handouts, while one friend of mine got her Master's Degree in social work and is attempting to help others.

Now, wait a minute! I'm not saying that people should not be responsible for themselves. I'm saying that "It's not the fault of an alcoholic or substance abusing person (and there are a lot of behavior-addictions  too--like compulsive gambling, eating, sex-addiction, on line pornography, debting) that they have this disease; but (and here's the part that the alcoholic/addicted person has to do the work on) what is that person choosing do do about it?"

And, these days, there are groups and doctors and craving-medications and therapy that help the afflicted.
But, like the old saying, "You can bring a horse to water; but you can't make him drink."; the best the rest of us, if we are people who care about the addicted, can do---is to set limits with concern and stick to them: the husband or wife who says: "I'm not going to stay with you to watch you killing yourself" and then sticks to it; the employer who says, "Unless you get treatment and stay in remission with your alcohol/drug addiction, I'm going to need to let you go."

And, don't even get me started about 12-step meetings! What a group of good potential supports, a real "functional family," can be had, along with a drug/alcohol-free social life---for free, just by going to meetings. And the spiritual side of AA/NA/OA is profound and life-altering (not religious, but believing that alcohol/drugs are not your God, and you are not your God either....One can be an agnostic and being able to have what has been called, "Radical Acceptance," is a true life-gift, alcoholic, substance-abuser or not!)

Some of the dearest hearts I've met go to 12-step meetings to maintain their abstinence (being free of the chemical) and grow into sobriety (a way of thinking that helps maintain functional thinking and improves the quality of one's life, generally achieved by the taking of the 12-steps and a healthy amount of therapy.)

So, sorry for the lecture, but it seems so ridiculous to me that in this day and with all the information we have about addiction--that more people would "get" that this is a disease. Of course it makes us angry! Of course it frustrates us because, like the addicted person, we cannot control someone's behaviors--even if we love that person with all of our hearts--We can only control our own. It's a disease that may, at first need the limit-setting of significant people (the husband/wife, the "boss"). I'm not talking about enabling the person by ignoring their behaviors--but rather by being a loving friend, parent, child, employer in saying to the addicted person in our lives: "You go take care of yourself or I need to stop/limit my contact with you...I cannot stand by and watch you kill yourself!"

And those of us who work with the addicted and their families feel this way: "Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself." Addiction is a strong foe, but many, many people have put their disease in remission and lived to help others. Now, that's what I'm talking about! Any questions?

The Game Ain't Over Till It's Over

I think it was Yogi Berra who said, "The game ain't over till it's over." For me, these are defining words that I want to share with all of you. As young as my early-thirties, I began worrying about aging. Would I age like this Aunt or like this friend's mother? I happened across a book written by a beautiful "older" (Well, she was older, at 55, than I was, at 32!) gray-haired model, Kaylin Pickford. Kaylin had written a book, called "Always A Woman," and in it she put her musings and beautiful photographs of her dancing and traveling and reading and enjoying life.

I found her book so inspiring that whenever a woman-friend was having a birthday, I bought her a copy of Kaylin's book as a gift. The comments I got back were in the nature of: "Oh, sure, it's easy to be 'older' if you're thin and rich and beautiful!" So, I set out to collect a book of interviews with women who were not the typical model types.

I needed to know myself that I need not fear growing older; that I would have some years of joyous living to look forward to. I saw that, in our culture, being a woman "of age" was going to be a challenging proposition. I needed some role models so that I didn't have to believe that I would become less desirable, less interesting, less to-be-listened-to as I got older. I mean, I wanted to grow older and not just wither away.

I had occasion to interview Maggie Kuhn, the founder of the Gray Panthers, when she was 70-something.
I still have the pictures. She was nobody's "little old lady"; she was a force to be reckoned with. I met an 80 year old actress in New York who had started her career, taking classes in her 60s; got some parts in her 70s; and made some films in her 80s. I interviewed women who were going back to school; women who were finding new love in their lives; women who had survived widowhood and breast cancer and were, despite thinking that their lives were over, were now flourishing.

I even interviewed Olympia Dukakis, who won the Academy-Award for Best Supporting Actress in the film, "Moonstruck." She was smart and quite the well-read feminist. (She gave me a reading list!) Actually, she was doing a film in Montreal and I interviewed her at brunch in her hotel. She had just finished her daily yoga routine and in person was a rather glamorous willowy blonde, not-at-all the boxy gray-headed lady (not that there's anything wrong with that) that she looks to be in films.

I guess I secretly felt that growing older would mean being less empowered; less interesting; less attractive.
Actually, I have found that it's just the opposite. I don't feel disempowered, uninteresting, unattractive--at all. And I've come to care less that others might see me in that way. I mean, I hate when somebody says, "at your age"--as much as a Jew might hate the stereotype of being cheap or a Polish person might hate the stereotype of being dumb. (And, by the way, I am both Jewish and Polish-American and am neither cheap or dumb!) What, exactly, does that mean: "at your age"?

For myself, in my sixties, I've moved across the country; traveled to several foreign countries; learned a bit of French; started a psychotherapy practice; am doing my internship in Hypnotherapy; made some wonderful friends; had some interesting relationships; my sons are launched and independent, living lives of their own; I've become a "Frequent Contributor" on Milwaukee Public Radio's Lake Effects Program, where I write and tape my pieces for airing  on the radio---and I get to talk to you on this blog. Who says life is over for women "of a certain age"? For me, much of the time (and--hey, I have my days, just like anybody else), it feels (Okay, I said I wasn't always feeling on-top-of-the-world, didn't I?)--well, some days, anyway-- like it's just beginning.

Whenever You Feel Afraid...

Like most things in life, the immediate gratification or most immediately satisfying way of dealing with my fears is to avoid whatever I am afraid of. I find that the problem with this way of dealing with fear is that the more I avoid something I am afraid of, the more my fear grows. And it not only grows in terms of the specific thing I was afraid of, it grows in terms of becoming more fearful about different things. It may start with driving in the snow, but it may grow to not driving when it's gray outside, for fear of snow.

Now, I am not saying that some things are not to be feared. Surely, parachute-jumping in one's sixties can cause a host of problems and going into a known-to-be dangerous neighborhood after midnight may be just plain asking-for-trouble. But, there are some common fears that some people rationalize with "I'm just a homebody" or "I can't drive on the highway, because it's just too crowded" or "I don't fly because it's such a drag."

These kind of leaving-home, trying something new and exciting experiences are necessary so as not to limit our lives. I know, I told you about flying to France; but what you may not know is that years ago I had a flying phobia so bad that if I even saw a plane in the sky, it would occur to me that someday I'd have to take one and I'd be paralyzed with fear for at least the rest of the day!

The way I got over that fear was this. I flew and I flew and I flew again, until I forgot that I was afraid to fly. I came to just look forward to getting to where I was going and then I also looked forward to coming back home to my work and my friends and my routine again. And the thing that made me do this thing that I was afraid of was this thought: Will I be happier stuck in one place or visiting different places; having different experiences? Clearly the answer was the second choice.

Once, I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail with some friends. Little did I know that hiking can bring you to some pretty steep places. One thing I don't like is steep places. When I got to a place that was high-up and pretty steep, I said: "I can't do this. I have to go back." But my friends said: "If you go back, you could get lost & it could really be dangerous, whereas if you climb with us--and we'll help you up--you have a far greater chance of having a good time and being safe. I took the second alternative, because knowing my sense of direction, I surely would have gotten lost in the woods and been waiting till well after dark for someone to find me--if they ever did.

When I did a radio show in New York, I was scared to death! "Oh no, this is the Bigtime; I'm not half good enough," I thought. What I found is that I did just fine. In fact my fear served to keep me focused and excited about doing the show. Not only was it on the air in New York City; it was "live"!

As I think about it, most of the things I was most afraid of turned out to be the most gratifying things I've done in my life: getting married, having children, even getting divorced (I mean, who isn't afraid to get divorced--but if a marriage isn't working, isn't that the better choice?), traveling, moving to a new place, learning something I didn't think I could possibly be good at (Like French!), meeting new people, dating again after so many years of being married. These examples can be fraught with anticipatory anxiety--yet, fear, once conquered, can bring the most growth-producing, most natural rush of pride and spur us on to take even more risks.

Try something new; something you have to push yourself a little to do; see if it doesn't feel wonderful to have accomplished this new thing, to get out of your comfort zone---especially now, at this
point in life. Perhaps our lives need to get larger and larger, now, rather than smaller and smaller as we get to be women or men "of a certain age."

It's So Nice To Have A Man Around the House

The neatest thing about my son, Dan, is that he's a guy. And like a lot of guys (and quite a few women too, but my sons are guys) he knows a lot about a lot of things. And he particularly knows a lot about the things I have a great deal of trouble with: fixing stuff, computers, cars. I went for a short visit to see him this weekend and love him as I do & enjoy seeing him as I do, my ticket to fly to Roanoke more than paid for itself!

You see, this little symbol kept lighting up on my dashboard. To me, it looked like an old-fashioned gas lamp.And, not knowing what it meant, I thought it meant a light was out in my car. But, Dan hopped on-line and looked it up; and it turns out I have to check my tire pressure. Really, I was picturing that as I drove home from the airport, a police officer would pull me over because my light was out. Turns out, it wasn't my light at all. Whew! What a relief!

I brought my computer, so we could continue speaking (except for you) on this blog. So, Dan took a look at my computer, and told me I hadn't updated my operating system. Truth is, I don't even know what an operating system is, and I find those update offers that pop-up all the time on my computer, well, irritating---so, I ignore them. Dan told me it only takes about a minute to update most things, though my operating system might take a little longer. And he proceeded to do it.

Then, he added a yoga program to my desktop. He's been doing yoga himself & I had asked him if he'd gone back to the gym to find a class. He said, he didn't really have time (He's doing a residency in Psychiatry--and they keep him pretty busy.)--so he found this program, I think it's kind of an APP, and he downloaded it and has been using it. Now, it looks like I'll be using it too.

I got, not only, those goodies when I visited Dan, but I got a potential job offer ("Maybe someday you can help me run my office"); and a little white lie--"Dan, your scale says I put on 5 lbs, do you think I did?" (He's usually pretty honest about these things) "No, Mom, that scale is off. If you even had coffee this morning, it'll put 5 pounds on you!"

Dan uses the TV and the computer in the background as white-noise. Meantime, he's really well-informed on sports, politics, Jungian psychotherapy, anthropology, mythology, art, Nobel Prize Winners, animal behaviors and interesting books and films, like the one he was reading: "Liespotting," which looks at body language in people.

He mentioned something to me to the effect that visiting him in Virginia can't be as exciting as visiting France (where his brother, my older son, Josh lives). And it isn't. Still, I came home inspired by all the ideas he shared, the things he showed me how to fix ("You can't be afraid of a tire-gauge mom, after all, fourteen-year-olds in shop-class can use them!")

Whenever I don't have somebody to fix things for me, I either have to find someone to do it and then pay him/her. Or, I have to learn to do things myself. I really hate having to take care of everything myself, but it does make me brave. I am forced to try new things, do things myself, brave driving in bad weather (Who said men had a handlehold on winter driving? But, I used to believe they did; always feeling safer if my husband took me places,than if I drove myself. Go figure.) I don't think I was safer. But being braver makes me feel pretty good about myself.

And I do like being brave. However, visiting Dan and being helped with a bunch of things did make me feel good in a different way--I felt very cared-for.

Remember Vinnie Barbarino, played by the young John Travolta on "The Welcome Back Kotter" television show back so long ago most of you won't remember...He used to say: "My mother was a saint."Well, maybe most sons don't go to those extremes to praise their mothers. Still, I highly recommend sons. Because, even if they don't live nearby, they are often there-for-you in ways nobody else can be. Daughters may share all kinds of personal matters with their moms. But, sons, they are dear in a very special care-taking way. And there is this Yiddish word that comes to mind: "Kvell": They are wonderful to kvell about, too.

*brag might be a fairly accurate translation

First the Pain....Then the Baby: Ennui Followed by A Life-Altering Intuition

Curiously, I find myself, feeling the feeling of boredom or restlessness.....That I can ever feel this way makes me curious, because I almost always have far too many things on my to-do list. I mean with a virtual laundry list of things to take care of; interests I'm pursuing; interests I'd like to be pursuing--how could I possibly have a moment of boredom? I think, then, about what has followed that feeling in my life in the past; what purpose could this ennui possibly serve in my life? I actually think that, for me, boredom leads to the birth of an idea, a project, an action that would never have happened without the painful boredom-feeling that kicked me in the back-side and forced me out of my comfort zone.

I can go through a period of time when I can identify a feeling of restlessness/boredom. But, it's tough to hang in there during a fallow period. I mean, we don't know that we're about to have a breakthrough: finally get into that "Practicing French"group; finally take that class we've been thinking of every time we get the mailer on Hypnotherapy; pull out those paints and brush and just start playing with them again; take some risks and meet some new people; learn how to do the Argentinian Tango; Do some volunteering on a cause that we find important.

I remember when I was a young mom, reading all the Isaac Bashevis Singer books I could get my hands on. One day, when I had this very feeling of ennui--kids off at school, then-husband at work-I had this inspiration: Why don't I write Isaac Bashevis Singer a letter? So, I sat down at my kitchen table and typed one out on my Sears Manual Typewriter (those antiquated machines where if you made a mistake you had to use "whiteout"to erase it, then backspace and type it over again.) In an impulse, I included my telephone number and that letter led to my meeting the Nobel Prize Winner and meeting him led to my being invited back and being invited back led to my writing a story about our meeting and writing a story led to it's being published in the New York Times and publishing that story led to many different opportunities for me.

It's like when I told my friend, "God opens one door and closes the other." And she replied: "Yeah, well what do you do while you're waiting in the hall?" That's the feeling I think I have when I am feeling like something is lacking in my life, but I don't yet know what it is. It's not something that's got a direction yet; it's just a vague feeling. Yet, if I look back, within hours, days, or even weeks, that feeling is followed by an action that relieves that feeling.

Almost everything I've accomplished: going back to school in my forties; doing a radio show; working at public television; writing some essays and articles; and accomplishing the things that I had to accomplish to have things to write about--all of these things came out of just that kind of feeling: A kind of an itchy, vague feeling of "something's missing---what could it be?"

For me, this feeling, which I absolutely despise while I'm having it, is almost always followed by a burst of energy and ideas. While I'm in it, of course, I have no idea (despite past experiences) that it will result in an action that may very well change the rest of my life. It's a lot like a birthing process: first the pain, then (oh, right, this is why I was having the pain!)---the baby.

Dating in My Sixties, There Are No Words...(Well, Maybe A Few)

Of all things I expected in my life, I never expected to be single in my sixties. However, it's given me lots to think about, in terms of relationships. The basic way a person meets another person in this internet-world, is by putting your profile on-line on one of those dating websites.

I have had some interesting experiences on dating websites. I haven't had many periods where nobody was interested. In fact, some guys I have gotten a "hit" (I think that's the lingo) from, are surprisingly young. I didn't really take those "hits" seriously, because what could they have wanted with me? Practice? Now, perhaps there are some women "of a certain age" who don't mind being Practice for a guy. I, however, am not one of those women.Then, there are the guys who either post a picture taken ten-twenty years ago or one that makes him look unwashed and overfed. (I mean, none of us is perfect, but don't you, at least, want to take the time to provide a pleasant-enough-looking/well-groomed photo of yourself---After all, what might the get-it-over-with picture & profile imply about your lovemaking technique?)

I have learned from therapist-friends (I am a therapist too, which doesn't make me immune from having my own "stuff" as people call their "issues" these days!) that some people are just good writers or they take a good photograph or they put a photo on-line which is really their daughter ("But, we look exactly alike!") and then they are amazed that you feel "tricked." My one therapist-friend says she finds many of the people who say they are available for a relationship--are not-at-all--available. They will engage a person; maybe meet her/him or exchange a series of fascinating e-mails or both--and, then, mysteriously disappear. Go, figure. I mean, we're not even talking sex, here.

I have had a number of mysterious episodes myself. There was one guy who was movie-star good-looking, but he was not very giving (well, not to me, anyway). After any number of homecooked meals at my place, complete with leftovers to take home for him and his dog; he asked me to repay him the $10.00 it cost him for a headlight he replaced for me. (At least he didn't add a service charge!) Another guy (and I really liked this guy!) made a lot of promises--so many, that my head was spinning. Next thing I knew, I got an e-mail from him telling me it-was-over & he was already dating somebody else. "What just happened? Who was that masked man?" I said to myself. How did I end up dancing this dance with him?

Then there were people where we didn't have the "click." You know what I mean? Either you have the "click" or you don't. Although, the longest relationship I've had with anybody I met on-line was six months and I didn't get "the click" when we first met, at all. It developed later. But, over time, that didn't work out because he had the C.O.M.-syndrome. Cranky Old Man, I call it, where somebody takes their stomach indigestion or plain old bad moods out on you with constant complaining and general crankiness.

And then there are people who advertise that they are "generous," "kind," "faithful" and "patient." I met a
guy like this recently. Advertising himself as "a patient man," after a series of back and forth e-mails and a couple of telephone conversations, he drove all the way from Michigan in this winter weather to meet. However, when I did not want to pick him (Surprise! He was a total stranger! Hell-oooo?) up at his motel (I didn't ask him to, but he stayed overnight, not wanting to make the long drive home); he thought I was being "bitchy." Maybe he was thinking we had some kind of unwritten contract, one I never agreed to, that I would be joining him at his motel?

One guy-friend of mine said, "Watch out for don'tbedesperate.com; they attract a lot of people who are just looking for sex." He also cautioned, "And never answer anybody who doesn't provide a photograph. He's just a married guy who doesn't want his wife's friends to see him fishing for "girls" on a dating site.

If I look at my own father, who I adored, he was a wonderful person and a brilliant businessman, but he quit school in his junior year of high school. Thus, he could never spell. But, he was a sweetheart! Would I have answered somebody like that, on-line? And my therapist-friend who is in a long-time happy marriage told me: "Alan (her husband) and I never would have met if we had to meet on a website. He's a quiet, intellectual, trueblue kind of guy (lucky her!), not formally educated and not one of those big-bucks, braggadocio kind of guys."

So, there it is, girls and guys "of a certain age": my brief experiences with dating on-line. The hardest part is that it probably works out one of three ways: 1. You don't like him, but he likes you. You hurt his feelings by sending him a cowardly e-mail that it's "not a good fit for you." 2. You like him, but he doesn't like you. He hurts your feelings by never calling you, though he said he would, and you cleared your whole weekend. Or 3. It's a "click" that keeps on "clicking": You both like each other. Hey, I think it was Einstein--or maybe it was Woody Allen (okay, again, Woody Allen!)--who said, "99% of succeeding at anything is in just showing up." There may be great rewards in on-line dating; but, like life in general, you've got to get through the tough parts. Don't you just hate that about dating? Don't you hate that about life? Nobody properly warned us.

You Are Getting Sleepy? Hardly.

I do Wellness Hypnotherapy both in my Hypnotherapy Internship training, as a subject, and I do it with my clients as a Wellness Hypnotherapist. So, I've learned a thing or two about my own "trances." Actually, the way I see it, Hypnotherapy helps us to "snap out of" the trances we chose to put ourselves in long ago. Trances like "I'm-Not-Good-Enough" or "I-Am-Nothing-Without-A-Partner" or "I'm-Too-Dumb/Unattractive"or, probably the most frequent trances: "I-Can't-Take-Feeling-This" and "I-Am-A-Victim."

Now, it's not that these "trances" were set in place for nothing. There was a reason in our pasts we developed these defenses. We made decisions that these were the ways we could survive some of our more
vulnerable feelings and life-moments. And those might have been the very decisions that brought us through some very difficult times. The question is, as Dr. Phil might say, "How's that workin' for ya'?" I would only add: "How's that workin' for ya, now?"

Truth be told, it may be that very trance that saved our life back-when, is the trance that, today, is keeping us from moving ahead in relationships, in our work, in our dreams-not-yet realized. Often the trances we are in may have to do with not feeling, staying numb. And, of course, if we don't feel; are we really in our lives at all? And, if we're not in our lives, aren't the people in our lives: our partners, our children, our friends, lonely? Ever been with someone who comes home, but isn't really there? I'm told it's worse than being alone.

It isn't just alcohol, marijuana, over or under-eating, relationships, gambling, debting, cocaine, heroin, money, overwork or pills that put us into a state of apathy (and atrophy--use it or lose it. If we don't learn to cope by practicing; doing it again and again--we may just stay frozen in apathy) and if we do that we are not living courageously. It might be said we are in a state of suspended animation: not feeling, so that we won't be hurt. But, if we can't feel pain; we are numbing life's pleasures, too.

Is there a block in our lives? I believe for most of us, there is one or another block. Why not move it aside and then see if our lives improve? Hypnotherapy isn't the thing you see in shows: "You will act like a chicken." or "You think you're five years old." No, Hypnotherapy is a healing method that opens up the subconscious to re-make decisions we made long ago. Picture 40 bites/regular therapy vs. 40 billion bites/Hypnotherapy. It may not be instant, but it doesn't take a long time to make useful realizations about what therapist call our "projections."

Like a blank movie screen and a movie projector. There is nothing on the screen but what's being projected by that film machine you see at the back of the theatre. Just like the projector and the screen, perhaps the person who annoys you is really simply triggering a significant experience you had long ago--or maybe even not-so-long-ago.

I do, in my work as a therapist, Hypnotherapy. I find, however, that many people are afraid of Hypnotherapy because they misunderstand it. It's simply focused attention that allows us to concentrate and remember more accurately our past experiences. And in doing so, we can understand where our old decisions (the ones that aren't serving us now) came from. And, then, we can consciously choose to change those decisions: Am I still a victim? Don't I want to attract people into my life who are not reactive, but proactive? How will I do that if I believe I am a Victim-- a Victim is reactive.

How? By waking up from the Victim trance and seeing ourselves differently, behaving differently---and finding we get different results. Are you getting sleepy? Maybe for an hour, but then, there' s waking up to the rest of your life. Not a life that's happening to you; but, one in which you have chosen to be an active participant, attracting more of what you want in your life. We've been asleep is the thing. And now we can choose to live more consciously--Be more alive. Hardly, like listening to someone else control us. In fact, just the opposite. Instead of being asleep throughout our lives, we can choose to be awake.

Ode to Practically Perfect and The Guest House

I had a meltdown last weekend,
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.

This life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom;
where another guest (who got up earlier) has clogged up the toilet
and the shower is already cold.

It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you get there--
(You should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed
for you.

And, here, you were almost beginning to get the hang of things,
And you wish you could just stay awhile longer, even if you had
to weather another good ol' meltdown.

Just last weekend, to me, my finest hours seemed
over; I just knew that anything good for me in this life was finished.
that I would never again hear love's sweet call,
never create anything at all,
never see the fruits of my lifelong labors.

How can it be that I am in my sixties,
and sometimes feeling Invisible if no Other exists,
for me.
And, then, of course it happened.
Just when I was ready to say: "Oh, take me, already: There is nothing
more here, for me, on this planet."

Just when I knew my life was over, my friend called:
She-knows-this-guy-she-thinks-is-Perfect-For-Me.
And I looked him up on a website: don'tgiveup.com.
Sure enough, he might be perfect. Or Perfect Enough.

So, we were supposed to meet at a coffee shop (where else?),
but the coffee shop was closed, so we met at the sportsbar next door.
I got there first and I ordered a glass of wine,
And then I looked up at the clock--11 in the morning!!

These meetings make me nervous, even if I don't really know if I'll like the guy.
I wondered if he thought I was a boozer, just because I forgot the time
and ordered a big glass of wine.
He didn't seem to notice though. "Coffee," he told the waitress with authority.

So we talked for a while and then took a walk and said we'd meet again.
And he writes. We've been writing e-mails ever since.
And I'd like to tell you that meeting Practically Perfect doesn't make any difference.
But, I'd be lying.Though, maybe it's the "rush" of new-love I'm looking for.

Somehow, a part of me believes I've been born to find the
Other Half of my soul (whether or not Pretty-Perfect is that).
That, in doing that, I will have fulfilled my earthly mission.
So, even the possibility that he (the guy my friend thinks will be Perfect) is Him,
is all I really need.

That, and that my sons are good.
You can take me then, Spirit.
Of course, that's just when I won't want to go anyplace.
Just stay right here, taking it all in.

Just give me this one-more-time, oh Spirit!
One more try at being and finding The Right One.
No more pretending that those ones who are wrong are right.
I think, if I could find that, I might never have a meltdown again.

Oh wait! If I were sick or couldn't write or lost somebody dear,
I would be in Meltdown again, would I not?
Even with Practically Perfect at my side, stroking my hair or holding my hand.

I had a meltdown last weekend,
and, during that time, I totally
believed that nothing good would
ever come to me again.

Yes, this life may be, as Rumi says, A Guest House,
but it's a guest house with lots of guests and only one bathroom,
where another guest has clogged up the toilet and the shower is cold.
It's a guest house with no clean towels left by the time you arrive.
(You knew you should have gotten up earlier!)
And you come back to your room to find your bags have been packed for you.

And, here, you were just beginning to get the hang of it all.
And you wish you could stay awhile longer, believing Mr.Perfect could unpack your
bags and put your things away, giving you a longer and so very much more enjoyable stay.
Or, maybe, you'd unpack your own bags and see in the mirror, that Mr.Perfect was actually
a part of you all the time.

Stuck in The Snow: Or, Do You Know Any New Soup Recipes?

All I can say is, thank God I'm not suicidal, this being another snowy Wisconsin inside-by-choice-and-will-to-live day.* Serial days of isolation can make a person, who might otherwise be cuddling with a partner or cooking with a buddy, pretty blue. As usual, when it snows, I take to my comfort food-making. And, just at that time, I was making a new recipe for split pea soup.

But, then, how many soup recipes do I know? I mean I actually own the bible---the Soup Recipe Bible, that is. Will I need to stay in isolation forever? Although,  I wasn't completely cut off from communication. I did get a hilarious e-mail from a favorite cousin likening her job interview to the dreaded "blind date," only, she said, you don't have to wear your silk stockings or Miss America outfit.

Not only did Judy's e-mail give me a giggle; it reminded me of a man I had recently been dating. A nice man. A handsome man. But, for undisclosed reasons this coupling would not have worked for me.

Okay, I'll disclose them.....And, sure enough, just as I was thinking about Dick (no, really, his name was Dick), he texted me. His text said that he felt misunderstood and thought we should talk (I had broken up with him after a series of "Drink and Dials," that solidified my feeling he drank too much for me. Every one of our six months of dates was in one or another of his favorite bars.)

Well, hating to hurt a person's feelings (and, believe me, I've had mine hurt before!) I wrote a long-winded and emotional-sounding apologetic text to him in response. Something about-- it was no reflection on him. Actually, it was a reflection on him, but hadn't I retired from the business of changing a potential mate? This would be like a busman's holiday for me, since in my day job, though I like to think of it as a "calling," I am a psychotherapist and alcohol/drug counselor.

The fun part came a moment or two later, when he texted me again: "Elaine, I think you are a really lovely woman and, if the relationship with you and Bob doesn't work out,  I'd like to see you again."

Well! Elaine? So, he has a list of potential women companions! I blushed at my serious No-Reflection-On-You text that he and the guys at whatever bar he was at were probably now howling over. I lowered the heat on my soup and sent his text back to him, with a note: "I think you meant this for someone else."

In no time, I got a defensive text response from him; "Elaine is just a friend of mine! I was having a drink with my buddy George in her neighborhood, and I thought I'd ask her to join us!" I shot back, "Well, if she joins you, what's she gonna do with Bob?"

I could just see D. on a barstool, having shots with his buddies and watching the Packers, as Wisconsinites do. At least, now, they could chuckle, not at my unsuspecting nature, but at him: "Busted! ***hole! You're buying!" I just, as the texters say---and I find it rather annoying (don't you?)--could Laugh Out Loud thinking about all of it.

And so, I just poured myself a glass of Sparkling Organic Pear and started my marathon viewing of Netfliks' Allie MacBeal, the old TV show. I find that sometimes being alone can be being in pretty good company, especially when I treat myself well. I mean, I love Chickflicks, but what guy is going to put up with a full afternoon (and possible evening) of them? And my split pea soup with chicken sausage made a delightful dinner.

*Wisconsinites say: "The Four Seasons of winter are: 1.Almost Winter ; 2. Winter ; 3. Still Winter ; and 4. Road Construction.

What? A Pattern In What I Attract to Myself?

How often we say to ourselves: "What bum luck!" or "Look at that, I attracted another unavailable guy/girl--Another wacky boss: Could this be my fate in life?" It seems that  (and I could be looking in the mirror, here, myself, as I talk to you!) like attracts like. No, really! I actually think that physics has a theory about this---though I don't claim to understand the physics part.

If I perceive myself as a victim, it is no coincidence that I will attract either fellow victims or victimizers. Perhaps we send off a "vibe" that says "kick me" and someone with the same vibe or with the "kick her" vibe picks up the vibration and proceeds either join the whine-fest or to give us something to whine about.

Gandhi said: "Be the change you wish to see in the world" ; and, lately, we keep hearing a lot about "The Law of Attraction." Remember that guy in the Student Center at school who thought he was pretty special? The one who got a lot of female attention? You may have said to yourself : "What does he have? He isn't particularly funny or clever or, even, attractive--yet, he seems to have constant female companionship.

I guess they call it Confidence. Not the bragging, annoying, full-of-you-know-what kind of confidence, just a healthy sense of self-esteem. It's the opposite of neediness. It's more like: "I-like-myself-so-why-wouldn't you like me-too?" And "I don't need to prove anything. And, "I'm-wanting-this-job/girl-guy-but-I'll-have-other-opportunities-if-this-one-doesn't-turn-out-for-me." In short, "I'm-not-desperate."

There's an advantage to having good-enough parenting. But, there is also something we Hypnotherapists call "A Trance State." What this really means, is that at some time earlier in our lives,  we made some decisions about who we were and how we needed to behave. These decisions may have been crucial to our childhoods, but they may not be working for us now.

So, how do we get out of this state of attracting the negative and start attracting the positive? I know, it's easier said than done. One way is to actually subconsciously go back to those good ol' days, that may not have been so good--and to remember them accurately. To remember how we came to think of ourselves the way we did, or how we developed the habits that are not serving us now, in our present lives.

Why do this? It's to help us look at the past, see its reasons, and then make conscious decisions about how to deal with the present. Are we behaving in healthy ways? Are we treating ourselves well? Are we taking the time we need to prepare healthy meals? Do some fun things in our lives? Try something new; something we've always been interested in? Trust our own instincts? (Not the impulse/habit driven messages inside, but the inner-voice/"higher self" kind of messages.)

This is why most healthy people come to therapy/hypnotherapy. They want to find out what's blocking them from achieving their goals. As Pogo, the political cartoon character, once said: "We has seen the enemy and he is us." Yes, we can be our own worst enemies; but, we can also be our own best friends. For me, it takes some substantial support from the outside: a sponsor; a nutritionist; a therapist; a mastermind group. I don't think it's so easy to change on one's own. I mean who's the worst person to develop a realistic food plan for a compulsive overeater (like myself, though I keep it in check with OA a day at a time)--certainly not me!

It takes a little courage to admit that, yes, we had problems in our childhoods; but who's causing/or at least not finding solutions to our problems now? My boss and the boss before him/her? My boy/girlfriend and the boy/girlfriend before him/her? It's those old messages that need some tweaking! If we keep looking at the outside world and saying: "Poor me! I get the short end of the stick all the time!"--that'll get us nowhere fast.

So, what's it gonna be: being reactive in my own life--or being proactive ? I know it's not easy and I've certainly been the "kick me" person at times in my life. But, I do feel like at least I'm working at more conscious, honest living--and, at least for me--that takes a lot of support. My support team consists of: my very Zen therapy-supervisor; my A.D.D. therapist (Yes, I have A.D.D. but that's another entry); my Hypnotherapy group (We snap one another out of our life-trances all the time!);my Mastermind group; my Twelve-Step (OA) sponsor; my A.D.D. psychiatrist (I believe in pharmacology and I take medication for my A.D.D. & don't know how I'd function without it!); my many wise friends, colleagues and family members.

Between this extensive support team and myself, I can usually figure out ways to handle-at least as best I can--life's challenges. That way I don't have to blame whatever's happening to me on you or on another innocent or not so innocent--but that's their problem--I can only work on mine--"victimizer." No, I'm not perfect & I sure slip up sometimes, but, at least, I'm working on it.....I guess that's about the best I can do right now. I do aspire to "Be the change (I) want to see in the world." And it takes a lot of outsiders to help, but it's really an inside job.

"Keep Busy, Dolly," Daddy Always Told Me

You know that old Woody Allen (Yes, him again!) quote that goes something like, "All the things our parents told us were good for us were really bad---red meat, sunshine, college." Well, our parents may have been wrong about some things, but they weren't wrong about everything! I remember my father's old adage: "Keep busy, Dolly" (He used to call me and my sister "Dolly.")

Whenever I heard him say this, I would think to myself: "Poor Dad. He thinks busy-ness is the most important thing in life. Maybe he needs something more meaningful in his life." Actually, my dad was a genius at business and busy-ness too. And as I get older, I think about what he meant when he said those words.

I do find, when my time isn't structured and/or I'm not as productive, I have a tendency to take my emotional temperature more often: How am I feeling now? And now? How about now? This is not a good thing for me; I tend to accentuate the negative when I do this and underestimate the positive.

Too much time on my hands, for me, generally means there are things I am avoiding that, like them or not, must be done. And I find when I can accomplish something that makes my work a little easier, my desk a little cleaner, my bills a little paid-er--I feel pretty good about that. These tasks are not going to win me the Nobel Prize or put me on the cover of Time Magazine; but, when I clean the clutter of my life, I have more room for the fun and the creative.

Without the messy stuff that seems to take up so much time, I have more time to be in the now of my life. Ekhardt Tolle proposes that this is all we really have in life: The Now. Too often, I know, I can get caught up in re-living or regretting the past or I can focus on worrying about a future that may never turn out that way at all. After not living the moment that has now passed, I might, again, now in another Present Moment, be focused on the moment I was just not in--thus, never really living in my life at all.

Those of us, like me, who aren't naturally inclined to the organizational, need tools-- and here are some of mine. A dirty little secret? I don't think so....I have an organizer. Yup, an actual person, who has developed that part of her brain that I, somehow, have not. She comes over, maybe once or twice a month and helps me file the files; gather the little receipts that will become my tax deductions; makes sure my bills are paid and I haven't missed any checks made out to me in the mail. All my bills, my junk mail, and my gazillion Veronica's Secret Catalogs are often dumped in a large laundry basket of papers I've accumulated by the time my organizer gets here.

Another tool I have used lately is called the "Mastermind Group." It's one or more people that chat or get together on a regular basis to focus only on their goals and on the steps we are each taking to achieve those goals. This really works! It helps me to realize and refine goals I have in my life, see where I am taking small steps in my life, and when I do not take steps towards the goals I say I want--to look at: 1. What might be standing in the way? 2. How I can make that step more do-able? or 3. Do I really want to manifest that goal?

I find that, yes, there are losses in life, as one grows older. But one thing I find I do gain is wisdom. No, I don't know everything; but experience can sometimes be a pretty reliable teacher. These days when some young people (and older people can do this too!) come across as if they know everything, I think of the saying that goes: "I'm too old to know everything." I guess when I didn't "get" my father's advice I was one of those young people. Now, I get it, Dad. Now, I get it.